“It’s unfortunate that we live in such a panicked, dysmorphic society where women don’t even give themselves a chance to see what they’ll look like as older persons. I want to have some idea of what I’ll look like before I start cleaning the slates. I want my kids to know when I’m pissed, when I’m happy, and when I’m confounded. Your face tells a story… and it shouldn’t be a story about your drive to the doctor’s office.”

- Julia Roberts on the subject of plastic surgery and Botox in the September issue of Elle.

You tell ‘em, Julia.  But while you’re at it, could you possibly clip that quote out of the magazine and glitter glue it to some colorful construction paper and send that to Nicole Kidman? Because she could really use that tip.  And come on, glitter glue makes everybody smile, or, you know, try to, I guess.

Yup, if you have eyes, you guessed it: Lily Allen! (And, uh, if you don’t have eyes, what the hell are you doing, trying to read this website? You have no eyes.)

Allen announced today that she’s carrying a child, conceived with her boyfriend, Sam Cooper. This will be the first child for both parties.

Damn, and to think: it wasn’t all that long ago that Lily was flashing her multi-nipples, getting publicly inebriated, and picking fights with Sir Elton John. You’ve come a long way, girl. It gives people like Lindsay Lohan hope to hear about these things. Just, uh, don’t get any ideas, Linds. I’d hope that procreation is far, far at the bottom of your list — if even on it.

Congratulations!

It was announced by RadarOnline that Tila Tequila is launching her own porn career. My first reaction? I thought she already was a porn star. Sorry, T. My bad.

Sources state:

Tila Tequila can officially add porn star to her resume.

RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that the Internet entrepreneur is starring in an XXX-rated film that will have a major distributor.

“Tila inked this deal hoping that she’ll make millions off the sale of it,” several sources with knowledge of the film tell RadarOnline.com.

While Tequila has posed nude for several men’s magazines and has been in some raunchy home videos, this is her first stint in a pornographic film.

Welll, hells bells. Our little girl’s growing up. But don’t try to pre-order anytime soon — Tila took to her website and refuted the claims:

IS WHAT true??? So this started to worry me so I finally got online and saw that there are FALSE RUMORS that I made a deal for a “SEX TAPE!” Which is BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a feeling I know who is behind spreading these rumors. He used to work for the OMG staff, got fired for inappropriate behavior and now he’s pissed! He’s also a paparazzi and knows people from Radaronline and TMZ and all of the other mainstream media people! SO, I know that he is the one spreading those “SEX TAPE” rumor’s out of spite!!

So if you wanna play hardball ex-OMG employer, lets play. My pit bull Lawyer, Alan Gutman, is already on getting ready to file a restraining order from you!!! Do you want to play hardball????? Do you want me to tell the WORLD what you did to me????? Well since I have more class than you, I’m not going to tell them. Time will tell itself once the news comes out of the VIOLENT things you did to me, that scared the shit out of me until I kept my mouth shut about it………. Remember the “SCARS” anyone? Hmmmmmmmmmm…… I was so afraid to tell people what REALLY HAPPENED! You will all know soon enough!! and for once and for all, I DID NOT, and I repeat, I DID NOT MAKE A DEAL TO MAKE A SEXTAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And whomever spreads rumors about that, or tries to “LEAK” things from when I was only 17 years old… FUCK YOU! DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!

Too right, Tila. No one wants to fuck with you. They just want to see the trainwreck embarrassment that is you fucking with yourself. And others.

Oh, Adrien Brody, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Apparently, my boyfriend has so much all-encompassing ambition that he’s got a back-up plan in case Hollywood ever gives him the big steel boot: performing as a magician, The Amazing Adrien, at children’s birthday parties.

According to a recent interview, Brody states:

“I was the Amazing Adrien. I would do younger children’s birthday parties. The one trick I could do almost anywhere was to break a pencil with a dollar. It was destructive, and also cool. Magic was my first foray into acting. There’s improvisation and you have to reel people in — it’s a good stepping stone and handy to have as a back-up!”

What’s amazing and magical is the way this total stranger has me so besotted. I hope your acting career heads south, Adrien, and then you can head south and do magic tricks at my party. I promise there’ll be a lot of ego-stroking by way of referring to you as the “Amazing Adrien,” and we’ll see if there’s any tricks that involve things disappearing into a box. That one’s my favorite.

In case you couldn’t tell, Jennifer gave us her best Barbra Streisand impression for her Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot.  If you’re like me, you might be wondering “Why, Jennifer?  Why did you take so many pictures that Babs already took?”  Don’t worry, because Jen talked about her similarities to Streisand, among other things, in the accompanying interview.

On the first time she met Streisand: “I’ve loved her since I was a kid, and all of a sudden there she is, and she’s just like someone you’ve always known,” Jennifer says. “You know when you meet people you idolize and then you walk away from the conversation thinking, ‘Well, that was a disappointment; they were kinder and more fabulous in my mind’? Well, she was wonderful, and you could talk to her about anything.” She starts to laugh. “So, I happened to be talking to her and Jim [Streisand's husband, James Brolin] when it struck midnight. They said, ‘Excuse us,’ kissed each other, and then, very politely, kissed me.”

On doing an homage to Streisand: “I have no idea what people are going to think about it. Everybody has an opinion; it’s just what people love to have. But that’s okay. Art is so subjective, and people can react however they want.”

On her similarities to Streisand: “We are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and you just keep riding, and you keep overcoming, and you just stay true to what you love to do.”

On being a Funny Girl: “People laugh at me. Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don’t. But I can pretty much find humor in anything. That is a necessary part of life. I don’t want to say laughter is healing, because it sounds corny, but it’s a release.”

While I think a lot of these photos are amazing and that physically, Jennifer Aniston can pull off looking like Babs, I also think she needs to calm it down with this massive comparison. When I think of people on Barbra Streisand’s level of legendary, I definitely do not think of Jennifer Aniston.  But maybe that’s just me.

What about you guys?  Is this shoot a hit or a miss for you? You’ve heard Barbra’s version of “Jingle Bells,” right?

Katie Couric thinks Sarah Palin’s just as bad at naming her kids as the rest of us, apparently. Check out the clip above in which Katie does a run through of the day’s news, specifically a story talking about Sarah and her husband Todd’s wedding anniversary, when she blurts out “Where the hell did they get these names?!” (right at the 1:14 mark.) While she retrains herself from saying much more, it’s kind of hilarious to see Katie Couric break from the news just to be all like, “WTF???”

I mean, she’s right, Track? Trig? Bristol? I was unaware that Alaska had that good herb.