Back when High School Musical was the most popular thing that ever happened, I loved Zac Efron.  I mean, that “Get Your Head in the Game” bullshit made me a little dead inside, and if I had to read the High School Musical yearbook aloud one more time I would have just snapped, but my nieces outnumbered me and I had to find some sunshine somewhere.  And that’s what Zac Efron was, he was that sunshine.  Fortunately, my nieces have moved on (have you guys ever heard of Twilight?), but now I’m finding that I love Zac just the same.

In a recent interview with Details, Zac Efron spoke on the topics of poison oak, Shia LaBeouf, Tom Cruise, and more. Here are some of the more charming excerpts:

On his current situation with poison oak: “I went backpacking over Memorial Day weekend and I just got the worst poison oak, bro,” he says. “It was my first time getting it. Dude, it’s, like, everywhere. Everywhere. I can’t even begin to show you, ’cause you’ll get so grossed out. I look like a zombie from Dawn of the Dead.”

On being told not to smile so much for his role in Hairspray: “It’s not how I am,” Efron says. “Even in my audition I was smiling and happy. Not cool.”

On Shia LaBeouf’s “I don’t give a fuck” personality:  ”I’m so jealous of that,” Efron says of LaBeouf, whom he doesn’t know personally. “Yeah, that’s awesome to not give a shit. And Shia still pulls it off. That’s so cool. It’s just awesome. It just comes easy to some people.”

On Tom Cruise, who invited him over to his house for motorcycle lessons: “I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn’t come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that’s him! He’s really doing that.” I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t even want to know. It’s just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that.”

On running water over his poison oak wounds: “Oh…my…God,” Efron says with a gasp. “It’s like the best…orgasm…ever! And I just keep coming!”

When asked why he’s dating Vanessa Hudgens instead of taking advantage of his fame and “bathing in pussy”: “Bathe in pussy?” he repeats. “Yeah, everyone tells me that. I think a lot of guys would enjoy that. But I’m not really like that.” I point out that he does not know if he would enjoy this or not, since he has never been famous and single. “Believe me,” he says. “I rack my brain thinking, ‘Why am I not out there playing the field?’ One of my buddies was like, ‘You have no idea what’s going on right now. You’re peaking on Ecstasy and you’re watching TV.’ But it’s not in my heart.”

How adorable does he sound?  The interviewer refers to him as “the nicest guy in town,” and that’s pretty much what he sounds like. I think I’m going to have to ask my nieces for a J-14 poster or something.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was walking around NYC with blood dripping down her face, and the lesion wasn’t from reality smacking her upside the head, unfortunately. Nope, my girl JLH is filming a guest spot on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and from the look of these photos, she’s playing the victim. Ah-mazing.

There’s really nothing better about TV these days than celebrities (washed up or relevant) guest starring on SVU. Perhaps it’s the writing or direction or the amazing cast, but for some reason celebs always manage to tear those roles up. Remember Rosie Perez last season? Or Lily Tomlin? Hey, even Mischa wasn’t half bad. All I’m saying is, Love has a chance to redeem herself for after what she put us through with The Client List (P.S. Check out Chelsea Handler’s review of the Lifetime Original movie. Brutal.)

Who was your favorite SVU guest star?

“Frances is so beautiful, but she doesn’t want to be famous. She was offered the part of Bella in the Twilight movies, and Tim Burton wanted her for Alice in Wonderland. But she wants to go to college: she’s very good at graphic novels. Frances will be fine, it’ll be fine.”

I’m guessing James Cameron also wanted her for the part of Rose in Titanic, too, right? Or hell, maybe even the part of Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?

It debuted at Cannes a few months back, and supposedly at the most recent Toronto Independent Film Festival, it’s kicking some more ass. So, uh, the question remains: when is it going to be available to the public? I’m sure you all remember my long-winded diatribe of how I “met” Ryan Gosling while he was filming this movie in a town where I used to live, so this movie — already — holds unseen value to me at this point.

I’ve gotta see it. Any of you lucky enough to be at either of these film festivals, or maybe somehow snagged a bootleg of the production? I mean, I know that kind of thing is sort of frowned upon by the law and whatever, but it’s not as if I’m going to tell anyone or anything.

Goddamn, this kid is backwards. If he wanted to run for mayor, he should have listened quietly, observed mercilessly, and remained in the designer-paid-for-by-contributions back pocket of Sarah Palin’s outdated Calvin Klein jeans. (Sarah’s never heard of 7 For All Mankind or Diesel donchaknow.)

But alas, Johnston allows the Palin family to alienate him alienates himself, and now expects a valid run for Wasilla, Alaska, mayor. Just great.

And it gets worse: sources close to Johnston state that he’s currently pitching a reality show for TLC to document his journey to winning the title of Wasilla mayor called Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor’s Office. [Dies. Just ... dies.]

Oh, wait. This is a Sarah Palin breed we’re talking about, and it’s apparent one can wear many hats — beauty queen, governor, vice-presidential nominee, president? OK. I get it, then. Playgirl playmate, reality star (?), music video inspiration …

Got it. It’s all falling into place for me now.

Oh, and the chicks in the photo? Are all like, “Squee!! We have a photo with that dreamy dreamboat Levi Johnston! You know, the baby daddy of the teenaged mom? Isn’t it just everyone’s dream to get knocked up by a stodgy, famewhoring, tool before they graduate high school? Oh, let him be mine, let it be me!”

Or maybe they’re just laughing at him. That’s what I’m really hoping it is. Squee.

I’m really big into crafting. I like cutting up my clothes and sewing beads on things and refurbishing furniture I find on the street, so please know that I have no problem with expressing oneself creatively. But Ryan Gosling takes it too far. We all know this dude has inked himself, but homeboy showed up to the airport today with at least one or two more designs permanently drawn on his arm. Does Ryan long to do prison time and are these tats are just his way of trying to fit in? Is this a more advanced, artistic way of self-mutilating? I mean, think of all the things that could go wrong while inking yourself and then think about the fact that this dude’s taken that risk more than once.

I’d rather jump out of a plane.