The image above is a just-released promotional photo for Katie Holmes and Josh Duhamel’s new movie The Romantics. I saw it and thought, “How cute. I bet that movie will be adorable.”

And then I read its IMDB page. Ready? Here’s the plot description:

Seven close friends reunite for the wedding of two of their friends. Problems arise because the bride and the maid of honor have had a long rivalry over the groom.

Oh, cool. So they’re basically making a movie out of the last situation I would ever want to witness/be a part of ever. Two grown women fighting digging up old beef over some hot dude that they both had a crush on. And it’s Katie Holmes and Anna Paquin (not pictured above)? Fabulous.

Call me a feminist spoil sport, but if I ever have to see another movie about women fighting at a wedding, I’ll kill myself. My Best Friend’s Wedding, Bride Wars. I’ve been there. Why don’t they make a movie about a woman who realizes she harbors insanely inappropriate feelings for a man who isn’t interested in her and instead of attending his wedding to ruin it with her own agenda, she decides to take the high road and stay home. Or, I don’t know, do something with her life that doesn’t involve chasing after someone who doesn’t love her.

I can love RomComs, guys. I can. But can we back off of this cliche for like, a decade maybe? Just enough time to get everyone’s heads straight?

I’m not talking about the cute hat or the incredibly sparkling coat or the inexplicable blue feathers.  I’m not even talking about all of those things together.  I’m talking about the gold tooth.

On one hand, it’s a little silly.  A gold tooth, Ke$ha, really, that’s the look you’re going for?  But on the other hand, I get it.  It sort of fits together nicely with the whole gold Trans Am, whiskey-loving, “I don’t take myself very seriously. I don’t think I should or could” thing she has going on, and you just have to turn on a radio to see that it’s working for her.

For me, I would leave the gold tooth in a Public Enemy music video where it belongs.  For Ke$ha, I think it’s just right.  What about you guys?

“The truth is, we do love each other. I pray to God she’s always in my life. We were friends before this, and at the heart of what we are and will be is friends. Two good, really dear friends, and that trumps anything else. We’ve been through everything – the whole gamut of the heights of love to the depth of heartbreak. I mean, we’ve been on quite a journey. And the idea that a person that you’re in a relationship with can change you so drastically and have that deep of an effect on your life, just that idea, I mean, what a gift to be able to use that, to be able to create something from it that we can see again.”

Oh, Justin. The saddest little Justin of all time. Can’t you see that Drew-baby’s leading you around by the penis strings*? I think you’re super sweet, and you sound like a really intelligent, well-tuned-in guy. Drew’s awesome, too, and I love her just as much as I do you, just in a different way. But I can just imagine that you’re probably sick of hearing that same phrase every three months, too.

*Really fucking frightening imagery

I know there’s a lot of people out there who feel strongly — uh, very strongly — about True Blood. I? Am not one of them. It’s not that I hate the show; it’s just that I’ve never seen it. I’m not a big vampire fan (I’ll take Freddy Krueger or ghosts any day), and televised drama series don’t really appeal to me on the whole (with the exception of 24, and we all know how that one panned out). But with the world’s current obsession with all-things-vampire, I can see how the show itself would be a bit hit.

With that in mind …

The stars of True Blood – Anna Paquin, Alexander Skarsgaard, and Stephen Moyer, namely, were photographed for cover of the notable magazine’s September issue naked, covered in blood and pushing their pale, undead genitals upon one another.  I talked to a friend of mine who’s super obsessed with the show (and with Anna Paquin) about the magazine cover, and she’s probably rubbing one out as we speak, based on how excited she was when we discussed it.

Are you like my friend?  Do you love it? Hate it? Do you even watch the show?

According to TMZ, when Simon Monjack died just a few short months ago, Brittany Murphy’s mom, Sharon, was sleeping in bed with him:

Brittany Murphy’s mother told investigators that she shared a bed with her daughter’s husband Simon Monjack after Brittany passed away … this according to sources close to the investigation.

The L.A. Coroner’s Office just released their report on Simon Monjack’s death.

In the report, the investigator documents an exchange with a person whose name has been withheld — but whom law enforcement sources have identified as Brittany’s mother, Sharon Murphy.

According to the report, the investigator and the unnamed person (Sharon) were going through the master bedroom in the Hollywood Hills home that Simon shared with Brittany … when (Sharon) pointed to one side of Simon’s bed and identified it as “her side of the bed.”

Sharon also told the investigator that certain prescriptions in the nightstand — bearing the names Sharon Murphy and Sharon Monjack — were also hers.

The report doesn’t suggest sexual contact between the two.

The autopsy report also claims that Monjack was much, much sicker than anyone thought – not only was he suffering from pneumonia at his time of death, he also suffered multiple heart problems and grand mal seizures. The report also verifies that Monjack had three types of anti-depressants in his system, along with pain medications, anti-anxiety drugs, heart medications and anti-hypertensive drugs, though the coroner’s office ruled out any kind of overdose, as the drugs were at ‘safe’ levels.

Previous suggestions that toxic mold had anything to do with both Brittany Murphy’s or Simon Monjack’s deaths were refuted early on after Simon’s death by Sharon Monjack, who is the last-remaining survivor in the family home.

How scary. How awful. How … bizarre that Sharon was sleeping with Simon. And by ‘sleeping,’ I genuinely mean ‘sleeping,’ not ‘fucking.’ Was there something going on between the two people, or were they both just so sad and wrecked over the loss of Brittany – a loving daughter and doting wife – that the two joined together in an effort to comfort one another in the only way they knew how?

If you are excited, good, I’m glad we can share that.  If not, go ahead and watch this trailer so you can listen to someone compare life to water on a mountain or something and watch Joaquin fight some dude on a bed and show off his belly, among several other things.

The movie comes out on September 10, and there’s still confusion over whether the documentary is supposed to be for real or not.  If it is for real, then I hope he can work out whatever caused his plethora of issues.  If it’s not for real, then that would make Joaquin a better actor than anyone ever gave fim credit for (and people gave him a lot of credit). Regardless, it’s going to be crazy:  cocaine, call girls, and those classic rapping skills.  I’m going to get ahead of myself and say that someone  already deserves an Oscar for this work.

Also, Joaquin Phoenix needs to stop looking like Zach Galifianakis. Whenever I get excited because Zach Galifianakis is rapping or jumping off the stage to fight a heckler, it turns out to be crazy ol’ Joaquin Phoenix, and I just get so upset.  Find a new look, Joaquin, this one’s taken.