You know, I rag on Tila Tequila as much as the next person. I think she’s a conniving, vindictive, lying little famewhore that deserves zero iotas of fame, because not only is she talentless, but she’s also vapid and insipid, and tries to hide that with her big fake tits.  And that’s just bad.

But lets put aside my personal opinions on Tila Tequila’s inadequacies. These photos were taken of Tila Tequila in the aftermath of the ‘Juggalo Gathering,’ where she was attacked. Many said that Tila was making the incident up, but after Method Man’s admission that he, too, had problems with the crowd, many people changed their stories and said, ‘Hell, if Meth was attacked, Tila must have been, too, ’cause she’s so much more obnoxious.’

My opinion? While her ass shouldn’t have been there anyway — because really, who wants Tila Tequila at any public event that they have to pay money for; I’d be pissed, too — it was totally wrong and reprehensible for the crowd to react in the way they did. It was said that she ‘insulted’ the crowd. Funny thing.  Method Man was attacked because he supposedly ‘insulted’ them, too. My thoughts? These assholes in the audience were looking to be ‘insulted,’ and jumped at the chance to intentionally injure an onstage performer, no matter who it was, or what straws they had to grasp at in order to justify it.

So, yes. Tila Tequila is a pain in the ass, and she definitely does have some evident personality disorders and a plethora of emotional issues to match, but she is a person. And anyone who says that she ‘deserved’ this or ‘should have gotten worse’ is as bad as the people in the audience who were bombing people — OTHER LIVING, BREATHING HUMAN BEINGS — with broken glass, shit and beer cans.

Aw, that’s funny. I thought that show died.

At any rate, the show is not dead, and LeAnn Rimes actually performed as a guest star this past week, debuting her latest single, Swingin’. So, ah, appropriate, LeAnn! Did Eddie co-write this for you? Produce it? Inspire it? No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what this song is actually about. It could be about, you know, swangin’ from rope swings into the local crick. It could be about swangin’ on the swangs at the muni park — the one that three counties share.

Who knows. Who cares.

The video? I care about. So much. And you should, too, because it’s LeAnn clumsily stumping around the stage with her flat feet and boyshorts bikini, sounding not too awful.  Really.

The offspring of Courtney Love and the deceased Kurt Cobain turned eighteen Wednesday morning (and Happy Birthday, to you girl) and special mommy Courtney had a lot to say about her only child’s birthday via — what else (OK, aside from her ‘blog’) — Twitter! There’s a whole slew of amazing gems on there, but I’m going to handpick the best of the bunch:

beyond the obviopus heartache why are you trying to desperatly to ruin my life and reputation? what is it did you decide to be linda?

youve done a dammed good job frances of destroying anything i could build that is positive, and i want to know why now that your of age.

i ahve this palaver has cost youy my dear over 4 million in legal bills. and none of it wa snecessary, demand not just wylldes butt eState

just come home,. it took a year but i got the sickest townhouse in the village, theres 4 floors, just come home, i pray to god snap out ofit

so how could she do it to me, ? dont answer fiddle you need to answer use the family wizard, i took the high road, i rasised you well and im so sorry i couldnt protect you from lairds greed and need to f-ck with you daqrlingyou oinbly get 37% Of in utero

NO LAWYERS!I LOVE YOU@!

im sure her dog., everyone else has a f-cking agenda , that chantel if i see her shes a goner thats for dammed sure. grosspig?poisonkids

i shouldve hooked up in some loveless marriage to a powerful hedgefund guy then youd be safe, im sorry i didnt. for your sake.i love you.

So, yeah. If you understood any of this really, you deserve an honorary degree from the University of your choice, complete with fancy tassled mortarboard and robes. Or a lifetime supply of Lithium. I’m going with the latter.

And cripes, Frances is eighteen? Meaning daddy Kurt’s been dead for sixteen years? I am getting old. I mean, I remember this shit. Vividly. I didn’t care too much, but I remember the world — and my classmates — in mourning.

Sheesh on all of it.

Here’s a hint:  the correct answer is “fuck no.”  If you have any doubts about that, check out the job requirements listed in September’s issue of Life and Style:

“The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things,” an insider tells the Scene Queens. “You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city.”

As expected, working for a celebrity like J. Lo isn’t a 9-5 job. “You can’t have a personal life — no baggage, significant others or pets allowed. The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks,” says the insider. “You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point.”

And while hanging out with A-Listers may be glamorous – the insider notes the candidate must be comfortable around “very high profile people” – there are more mundane duties as well.

“You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away,” the insider continues. And: “You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.” But don’t worry, there will be some glamorous moments too; our source says qualified candidates get to help J. Lo dress for red carpet events and photo shoots.

The salary for this gig? $55,000 to $65,000. Tickets to the Oscars may or may not be included!

Yeah, there’s a specification that you can’t have a personal life, and yes, you have to be telepathically in tune with Jennifer Lopez at all times, but OMG, you might get to go to the Oscars!

But really, the only way I would ever sign up for this job with those demands is if I knew that Jennifer would recount behind-the-scene stories of Anaconda at least once a week.  I would gladly give up my personal life and my freedom to hear J. Lo talk about wrestling a snake with Ice Cube or getting creeped on by Jon Voight.  Gladly.

I called them out yesterday for denying their couple status, and now I gotta do it again. According to celebrity-gossip.net, the hideous mansion pictured above is where Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are killing time while waiting for filming on the newest Twilight movie to start. Yup. Just two c0-stars who have a totally platonic relationship and spend every waking moment together renting a house in Bel Air. As friends, guys. They’re just friends. Like Beyonce and Jay-Z. Friends.

My homie Chuck dropped a bomb on me last year, ready? When a dude has a small ponytail like that, you can refer to it as a “Colonitail”, as in, “Colonial ponytail.” I know. Changed my life, too.

Anyway, so I saw these pictures of the extremely relevant Jeff Goldblum out in London, doing him and rocking the baby pony and I thought to myself, “What a bold and interesting move. Surely I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t share this.”

So I’m sharing it. Five photos of Jeff Goldblum and his lil Coloni. Sophisticated style for a sophisticated older gentleman.