So! The first teaser trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides emerges, and it first debuted at Comic-Con, believe it or not.

I’m really stoked about this movie. Yeah, Orlando Bloom won’t be in it as he’ll be raising a baby Bloom on a solar-powered farm somewhere, and Keira Knightley is probably off shagging Rupert Friend in black satin sheets somewhere in the most uber-chic districts of London, but I’m alright with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. That’ll definitely sate my appetite for more Pirates.

I’ve been crazy about Pirates since the first time I ever rode the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disney World, like twenty years ago or something. Fecking awesome, it was, and I never forgot about it. So when I heard that they were going to build an entire franchise around my most favorite ride ever, I was equally stoked. So stoked, in fact, and so hardcore about Pirates, that I spent an entire day locked away in a cabana in the Dominican Republic with a man who loved Pirates as much as I did to watch a three-movie Pirates marathon, complete with three rounds of room service.

Sunning yourself on the beaches of the Caribbean is definitely not greater than watching a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon in the Caribbean.

May 2011 can’t come fast enough.

Or are you the “friend” behind this recording? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

TMZ has learned that Michael Lohan penned a heartwarming love song for his very own lawbreaker junior, Lindsay. As far as I can tell from the refrain, the title of the song is “A Father’s Love Will Never Die.” But it could also be “I Love You So Much,” or “My Love For You is Alive,” or maybe even “Always Daddy’s Little Girl.” Oh, or “I Miss You So Much.” Any one of them would work, really — they’re all so classically beautiful and … poignant.

You can listen to it here, and weigh in on the masterpiece that is clearly this song.

… Oh God. How horribly cheesy, embarrassing, and self-righteous. Precisely what you’d expect from Michael Lohan himself. Great job on staying true to yourself, guy. Do what you do best.

Now, I’ll be honest with you — I don’t know why Rumer Willis gets so much flak for looking the way she does. I actually think she’s quite attractive, albeit in an unconventional way. Yeah, she’s got a big chin, but so does Jay Leno (and Lordy, his is much, much bigger). He’s still got fans and probably admirers, too, right?

Exactly.

But whatever — what do you think of the outfit? Is it flattering her figure, or should it have stayed in the closet? I hate the shoes (gladiator sandals should just be killed until they die from it), but the rest of the outfit? Looking good, Rumer.

We don’t learn our lessons, and we don’t internally reflect on what’s important in life and what can be cast aside — we make sure we emerge looking “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” and we make sure that’s what everyone around us is focusing on, too. Remorse? No. Recovery? Fuck no! It’s all about the looks, baby, and that’s precisely what Lindsay Lohan’s asshole lawyer is saying now, more or less.

Shawn Chapman Holley, the first lawyer to bail on Lindsay and her sad (read: pathetic) situation, says:

“She looks gorgeous. … She’s writing a lot. She’s creating art,” says Holley. “She’s a beautiful, talented, creative woman, and she’s going to come out and surprise you all!”

You know, that’s great and all that you have the support (for now) of your lawyer, Linds, but maybe you should talk some sense into her. Maybe you should tell her that the whole point of this entire jail thing was not to emerge looking “beautiful” or to “make art,” but it was to make some serious decisions about avoiding behavior that’s going to make you dead, kid. There’s nothing flowery and butterfly-y about that shit. I don’t give a flaming crap what you look like once you get out of the hoosegow, as long as you’ve learned your lesson and are willing to change your ways, girl.

How excited are we, people???

I was at a fancy schmancy tech event last night with a bunch of fancy schmancy IP lawyers in suits, and one of them looks at his watch and is like, “Oh, crap, I’ve gotta get home for Jersey Shore!” and I’m like “Uhhh, that’s not until tomorrow,” and he’s like, “Oh, phew.”

This shit is unstoppable.

Season two trailer is above. Can’t. Freakin’. Wait.

So Selena Gomez was on George Lopez’s talkshow on Monday night, and since no one really watches that show, this clip kinda went under the radar. For some reason, despite having a throat so sore that she was unable to talk, Selena appeared on the show anyway and usedd a Speak N’ Spell type device to answer questions. Trust me, it’s even more awkward than it sounds. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone lost their job over this.