After watching, what have you learned, boys and girls?
1. Your computer is spying on you. The government is probably at your back door right now, installing fiber-optic cameras that will track your every move. Beware.
2. Anyone with fashion — and grooming sense — should, you know, take this very seriously. Because it’s coming from Janeane Garofalo, and she appears to be the pinnacle of proper grooming. That, and you’re a child molester if you like well-groomed, non-bushy, non-invasive nether regions.
3. Liberal government politics liberal politics you aren’t listening to me politics I’m liberal don’t you know a very staunch staunch liberal with a lot of government liberal political activism look at me politics blah blah blah.
I think Jess would make a good mom. Really, I do. She’d be super-awesome at bedtime stories, throwing crazy voices for all of the characters in the book and making things up as she went. She’d wear vintage aprons, do a lot of baking, and plan scavenger hunts for her kids. She’d mop and wax the floor while simultaneously balancing a teething baby on her ample hip, and after a long day’s work, she’d put the kids to bed and curl up on the sofa with a box of Ghirardelli.
Just more things that make me love this girl like she was my own, and these are some reasons as to why I’d be so stoked if she were pregnant. I wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t ask any questions, wouldn’t pry into finding out who the father was (unless it were, uh, John Mayer) — I’d just be like, “Yeah, Jess. Yeah. Do your mom thing. Own it, girl.”
Bellamy speaks to Britain’s The Sun (which is a real, live newspaper, as pointed out by one of our readers) and claims that he’s not only seeing the serial dater, but it’s getting serious, too. He’s set up to meet the actress’s legendary mother, Goldie Hawn, sometime this week:
“I’m meeting her (Hawn) next week… I’m already nervous. I don’t want to make the whole experience even more embarrassing.”
Bellamy also moons over Kate, which she’s probably loving. She hasn’t has this much romantic press since, uh, ever:
“She’s (Hudson) great. Everything is going very well. We are really happy and enjoying spending time with each other. She had a great time at Glastonbury.”
He also is obviously way more clingy and desperate than we pegged him to be completely smitten with the blonde actress, because he’s talking about marriage already:
“Ask me again about marriage in a couple of months.”
Her name is Eilat Anschel, and she’s a former member of the Israeli Defense Force. Oh, and she’s kinda hot. Did you happen to notice? Of course you did.
According to sources, Lohan and Anschel have gotten quite cozy over the past few weeks, after they met in LA a few months back when Anschel finished up some of her IDF duties. Friends of the new couple state that Anschel has been really great at wiping away Lindsay’s most recent barrage of self-induced tears, and Lindsay is, in turn — naturally — becoming quite obsessed with and possessive of the Israeli beauty.
But no, there’s been no word if the coked-out screaming matches have begun. That’s usually reserved for the six-week mark of the relationship. You’ve got time to get the fuck out, Eilat, and get the fuck out you should — before it’s too late, baby.
Oh, and am I the only one who thinks that Anschel kind of resembles Samantha Ronson, just in a more effeminate way? Two thumbs up, Linds. Though all of your relationships seem doomed to fail, I’m giving you the go-ahead on this one — you’ve got my full blessing, so make me proud, girl.
As a dirty Jew, I don’t celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I respect the dude and believe him to be a great spiritual leader, I just don’t throw a birthday party for him any more than I throw a birthday party for Eckhart Tolle. Heh. I might do that next year, though. The invite:
What: My Eckhartmas Party!
Where: Now
When: Now
What should I bring?: Your pain body. Also, wine and any appetizers you think you’ll want.
The point of all this?
4th of July is my Christmas! I celebrate the birth of my very favorite country in the whole wide world, as fundamentally driven by a mass insanity as it is. It may be an ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, but, goddamn it, it’s my ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, and it’s got a bald eagle’s talon-grip on my heart. (Fortunately, bald eagles will be extinct soon.)
America, thank you for killing people in the name of my gas prices, for keeping those horrid gay people from ruining my life by marrying each other, and also for Furbies. (Furbies are awesome 95% of the time.)
I love you America. I would say we should get married but I’m pretty sure you’re a chick.
Get outside, get some sun, get drunk, then get a cab. Get home safe. Don’t do stupid shit. Before you do stupid shit, ask yourself “Would Beet say this is stupid shit?” and if the answer is yes, don’t do it.
Maggie Griffin is much, much funnier than her daughter, Kathy. And much less obnoxious. [popbytes]
The Five Best and Worst Films of 2010 (so far). [Pajiba]
Supermodel supermom Gisele says her 7 month-old baby is already potty trained. And this does not surprise me one bit. Next month, he’ll be working for the CIA in covert operations. [Celebitchy]
This chick thinks that Obama’s a great, big pussy. [Zelda Lily]
Paris Hilton was detained for pot, but she was freed. Heh. [Allie is Wired]
Whitney Port fat? And yeah, she rocks it so well. [Amy Grindhouse]
Joey Tribbiani just can’t get past Friends, and it’s showing. [Betty Confidential]
Dolly Parton remembers what it was like to be horny. You know, a century ago, when she was only forty. [OMGBlog]
Someone was dense enough to date Joe Francis, let alone fucking agree to be his wife?! [Celebrity Smack Blog]
Well i think Taylor is a slut wearing those type of clothing and i wont be surpised if she goes out and she gets raped, why the hell is she wearing those clothing? thinking she looks cool, hot?? fuck no she looks like a hooker wanting...
She. Is. Marvelous. Seriously marvelous. And super gorgeous. I am not generally a fan of short hair, on guys or girls (late ’90s men’s fashion was a nightmare for me, and I was only in middle school), but she looks so...
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