Now that the antichrist Spencer’s almost completely out of her life, Heidi’s becoming vocal about what she’s done, what she was pushed into and what she wants.

The female half of the ham hoagie (I mean, isn’t that what a Speidi is? Am I wrong here?) supposedly claims to ‘friends’ that the almost-male half coerced her into getting the forty-billion dollars’ worth of plastic surgery, and says that she’s really regretful when she thinks about it. The ‘friends’ of Heidi (I’m still reeling from that informative slap to the head) also claim that she’s contemplating a “make-under,” now that He With the Creepy Flesh-Colored Beard and Magic Crystals is no longer in the picture.

And what else is Heidi’s latest obsession? A desire to adopt a child. Yes, you read that right — Adopt. a child. What the fuck, man. I wouldn’t trust Heidi Montag to babysit my parents’ ninety year-old dog who only sleeps and occasionally assails the surrounding area with a dusty geriatric fart or two.

Really, though. If anyone — anywhere — gives this woman a child to care for, at this point in her misguided, unstable life, I’m jumping ship on life.

Normally we don’t link to this site (or even read it), but you guys gotta hear Lindsay Lohan’s “leaked” song “Too Young To Die”.  The song, which seems to be about her ex Samantha Ronson, is particularly apropos considering so many people out there think that this girl will be the next celebrity who’s death we’re all obsessing over.

The song generally sucks, but it’s nice that she started a project and managed to finish it.

These photos of Taylor Swift filming her new music video in Maine over the weekend have surfaced and look, guys! It’s more of that sappy all-American cheeseball romance bullshit that she always does. I just want to point something out here: This girl is like, 20 years old. On no planet is there a 20 year old woman who is internationally successful who also got married in a chapel to her high school sweetheart. There just isn’t. Taylor Swift, you cannot have the kind of love you sing about and be as successful as you are at the age of 20. Grow the fuck up!

If you watched Tosh.0 last night you might have seen a familiar face: Mine. My friend writes for the show and asked me to come on and play a goth girl for a day. I obviously agreed because I’ll do anything goth whenever anyone asks me. I love feigning commitment to the goth lifestyle.

If you’re unfamiliar, Tosh.0 is basically like The Soup, but on Comedy Central and about web videos. It’s hosted by comedian Daniel Tosh, and it’s killing in the ratings, which I suppose means something. The sketch I was in was part of a segment they do where they bring someone who is a YouTube “star” and they give them a second chance to do it all over. For this episode they picked Chris, a sweet stoner goth who was looking for a girlfriend.

*Spoiler Alert* Chris didn’t pick me. In the video he winds up going with one of the models (who were actually Deal or No Deal briefcase girls! Love them!), but I think that if the whole thing wasn’t staged for TV, he would have gone with me. For sure.

Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny’s Child, just did an interview with BBC radio about her breast implants that is hilarious. According to Kelly, her surgery was an act of bravery that took ten years for her to go through with. Because she’s waited so long for the enhancement, she was, in a way, fulfilling some sort of dream.

Kelly said:

“When I initially thought about that, I was 17 years old. That’s a ridiculous age to make a decision to do something different to your body. For me, it was waiting. That’s the message I actually had to say. When people found out about it, one person asked me and I just couldn’t lie. I didn’t feel the reason to lie. I’m really proud of myself that I waited. That’s 10 years I waited. That’s 10 years I was like, ‘I hate this top. It does not fit. I hate this top.”

Uh, OK. Well, I’m glad you feel better about yourself?

It’s actually kind of a trick question, because both of these ladies are pregnant. But Amy Poehler, that’s whatever, she already had a kid a while back, but Rachel Dratch, that’s where the story is.

Rachel Dratch is 44, the baby (her first) is due in September, and there’s no word yet on who the father is. My guess is that she went and got artificially knocked up before she lost that chance to menopause, and good for her. I absolutely love Rachel Dratch. She was definitely one of the funnier cast members of SNL, but unlike her costar Amy Poehler, she kind of tragically faded away after she left the show (ok, there were a few guest-starring roles, but I don’t care about Wizard of Waverly Place, and neither should you).  Even though this isn’t an acting gig or anything, I’m glad to see that she seems to be doing well.

How about you guys?  Rachel Dratch is awesome, right?