You remember Rachel Uchitel — Tiger’s wacked-out mistress #1?  Looks like girlfriend’s going to be on the next season of The Apprentice. So help us God.

Trump, Apprentice creator, was said to have called Uchitel a few weeks ago about the possibility of having her on his reality show, and she reportedly said “Absolutely.”

David Boreanaz, Tiger Woods … this opens up Hollywood and it’s “leading” men to the cavernous orifice known as Rachel Uchitel’s vagina, and her seedy manipulations, too.

Good move, Trump. Now that you’re bringing this fetid old crotch launcher into the open, the “I Fucked Rachel Uchitel” disease should spread faster than fucking ebola.

Win.

Joan Rivers created a new enemy in Lindsay Lohan last week after she Tweeted a couple jokes at the actress’ expense. Sensing that laughter isn’t the best medicine in this case, Joan decided to take a more sincere approach. Last night the aging comedian appeared on The Insider and offered to pay, along with her daughter Melissa, for Lindsay to seek treatment. Real treatment. The kind where you can’t “get your nails done.”

I’m not sure if Joan is being for real or if she’s just seeing this as another opportunity to keep her name in the press, but the offer to pay for Lindsay’s rehab was pretty nice, I thought. Too bad Lindsay beat her to it.

Whoopi Goldberg supposedly made a statement earlier on The View this week saying that she had worked with Mel Gibson, and although all evidence points to the contrary, her experience with him showed no signs of him being a racist. Well, of course the blog world reacted to that statement and said things like, “Why do you think he’d act racist toward a famous black woman?” and “Do you think just because he wasn’t racist toward you that he’s not racist at all?” Then people started calling up the offices at The View and chewing out Whoopi’s secretary, which brought Whoopi to make the above statement on the show yesterday.

I agree that a black woman might know better than me, a totally white woman, when someone is being racist. However, I think that Whoopi’s statement got the reaction that it did because there’s no way you can deny someone’s negative feelings about black people after you’ve heard them tell their girlfriend that she’s going to be “raped by a pack of n***ers.” Call me crazy, but Whoopi’s positive on-set experience with Mel can’t make me unhear those words.

Do you see Whoopi’s point or do you think that it’s as irrelevant as I do?

Because rumor has it that there might be more behind the couple’s reconciliation than the well-being of their young son.

From Gawker:

Within the next four to six weeks Palin’s PR people will be releasing news that Bristol and Levi have signed on to “star” in a new reality show. All about young parenting. And yes, they will also work up to a wedding. This is part of the planned “story arc.” Sort of a Bethenny Gets Married but with a faux conservative/young Republicans spin. Levi will be promoted as young, decent, salt of the earth guy, Bristol will be seen dealing with the “challenges” of young motherhood (with Trig and the nannies kept carefully out of sight.) Willow will be on a lot. (Since it’s not like she goes to school.) They’ll attempt to boost rankings in the first few episodes by having Sarah cameos, maybe some Piper thrown in there, but the rest of the time will be a “conservative young marrieds who just happen to already have a baby” theme.

It’s not really Levi’s fault that he got sucked back into the Palins’ orbit. When you have no way to come up with $1700 a month in child support (he has to earn at least $3000 per month before taxes to pay that) and there aren’t any other jobs out there, plus you can’t leave the state because you’re hoping to get shared custody of your child, options are limited. This way he gets a salary, the Palins get off his back about the child custody hearing and lower his support payments, and everybody can align themselves with serving the Palin/Rove/Murdoch “myth machine” that has been so painstakingly built for years around the mythical exploits of Super Sarah and her family.

I say fuck it! Why not!? These two are already the butt of America’s joke and they might as well embrace their role and make some cash before either one of them has to settle into the only job their qualified for: fast food drive through jockey. It’s not like their son has a chance in hell anyway. Something tells me that six episodes of Newlyweds meets Northern Exposure sounds like the perfect way for me to kill an afternoon and for them to kill whatever dignity they have left.

We haven’t really been covering the Mel Gibson audiotapes that have been leaking every day, and I’m not sure why because they are AWESOME. Awesomely scary, awesomely revealing and you know, kind of awesomely hilarious on a very superficial level.

Today tape number five was released and while there’s no, “I’m going to burn the house down, but first you’re going to blow me”, it’s full of seriously degrading and insane soundbites just like the rest of them. Here’s a taste if you can’t click on the video above (which I unfortunately had to embed from the worst site ever. I apologize.):

“F*ckin’ user! You f*ckin’ used me! I will never forgive you!”

“Yeah, you know what mean is now, don’t you? So don’t call me mean when I’m nice to you. Because I’d like to show you what mean really is. B*tch, c*nt, wh*re, gold digger! All true! You f*cking proved it to me! If you’re ever interested in proving otherwise, let me know. If you don’t care, I know you know what you are too. Look at yourself. And look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve f*cking done! Look at your son. He’s a f*cking mess. You f*cking excuse for a mother . You’re a f*cking bitch!”

“I don’t have any f*cking money! I have to support you and everybody else! I have to sell paintings. I have to sell my box at the Lakers game.”

“You ruined MY life first! I ruined your life? How did I ruin your life? I gave you sh*t! You gave me nothing but f*cking grief! Alright? And bad publicity, you c*nt! How did I ruin your life?”

And yo! Let’s not forget that there are children involved here, as well.

Although I’ve found myself wondering if it’s fair or appropriate for Oksana to make money off of these tapes, the bottom line is that Mel Gibson’s a shithead and you should never, ever speak to another human like he did. He’s power tripping off his ability to dangle money over her head, and that’s just sick and abusive. If bringing his true character to light is what will make Mel get serious, serious help, or even just make him disappear, then I think releasing these tapes was the right thing to do.

I never really followed Griffin too much, but this was way too good to pass up. I love her (clearly staged) reaction to finding out that Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, daughter of “hopey-changey” Sarah Palin, are back to knockin’ boots.

Hey — at least she’s legal now, right?