The newly-thirty Jessica Simpson took it to the streets yesterday, wearing what can only be described as a really, really unfortunate-looking romper.

Rompers are cool. Both figuratively and literally. And I’m sure it looked great, folded up crisply on a stained teak shelf in an expensive boutique. That’s always the most appealing part of shopping — the way the newness of the fabric looks, draped over complementary-colored woods and tiles. Many times you don’t see the price tag, and let me tell you: it’s one good fucking marketing ploy. It gets me every damned time. But many of those times, that particular article of clothing should have just stayed on the shelves — and especially in this, Jess’s, case.

I love you girl, but FAY-UL on the romper. Sheesh.

I will admit freely, there are times when I leave the house to go grocery shopping in pajamas. Or if I want to run for an early-morning coffee and don’t feel like getting dressed up, I’ll throw on yoga pants and LEAVE THE HOUSE (GASP!!) MAKE UP-FREE. I am not ridiculously concerned with what I look like in public at all times, but goddamn. I would never (did I happen to mention, ‘never’?) ever leave the house looking like my head was attacked by a greasy duck-billed platypus. Come the fuck on.

So you probably don’t have to guess too hard to figure out which female celebrity wouldn’t bat an eye at looking like a bag of smashed assholes out in public. Just sayin’.

Take your guesses, hold your nose (busted weave probably stinks, too) and jump in to find out.

(more…)

And yes, there actually is a pun intended somewhere in there.

I’m, you know, coming down off of my Lindsay Goes to Jail high from yesterday and I woke up this morning like it was the day after Christmas, the bottom having all but dropped out on life.  Situations were dour, guys.

I began scouring the internet to see if Lindsay had dropped off the tabloid radar (and how ’bout that mugshot!), and alas, I was not disappointed: it turns out that Lindsay’s drug habits that put her in jail are continuing while in jail. And now I am crushed for real.

It seems that the courts are allowing her to continue taking both Adderall (for her ADHD) and Ambien (for her restless nights, I guess) while she’s incarcerated. I mean, it’s a bonus because she’s not going to be able to take the five and six at a time like she was probably accustomed to, so it’s a step in the right direction, but …

I don’t know, man. I’m not educated enough on prison life to know whether or not “luxury” drugs like Adderall and Ambien would (or should!) normally be allowed — one wouldn’t think so; I mean, if she were on fucking nitroglycerin tabs for a leaky valve or something, I could see the resolute necessity.  Necessity.

But you know, what did they do back in the day when someone was a high-strung person? They sure as fuck didn’t give them Adderall in the 1800s. And when someone couldn’t sleep? A pharmaceutical cocktail? I think not. LUXURY DRUGS. And count me kind of disappointed.

Tiger Woods can’t really afford any bad PR these days, but that doesn’t mean he’s keeping his name clean. At a recent tournament, Tiger missed an easy shot and wound up having to take another swing that he couldn’t afford. Because, you know, homebro can’t afford much of anything these days. Because he used all his money to keep his whores quiet and to make his wife feel better about ruining her life. You know? So he was really upset.

To deal with his anger, Tiger starts dropping F-bombs like they’re on sale. He must have said “fuck” eleven times in 20 seconds, which is pretty *fucking* impressive.

Anyway, do you think Tiger cries every day or just once in awhile when it hits him that he’s alone and broke and it’s his own doing?

Though she hasn’t received long overdue jail time like Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer is allowed to be bummed as well, and that’s because she’s been dealing with a stalker for the past few days.

Aniston has just obtained a restraining order against Jason Peyton, a 24-year-old from Pennsylvania who drove to California (in his car, which is covered in carved declarations of love for Jennifer) to find her. Police found him last Thursday wandering around a place he believed Aniston would visit, and he was carrying a “sharp object, a bag, a roll of duct tape and written messages about [Aniston].”

TMZ has obtained some of the documents on this guy:

“Peyton is an obsessed, mentally ill and delusional stalker — with a history of violence and criminal stalking — who drove cross-country in his delusional ‘mission’ to locate and marry [Aniston], with whom he believes he is in a relationship.”

The restraining order says that Peyton isn’t allowed within 100 yards of Aniston, her home, anywhere she works, or any of her employees.  Not that that matters right at this very moment, because he’s currently on an involuntary psychiatric hold.

It’s a real good thing that Jennifer’s in London right now, getting ready to promote her new perfume, because this dude sounds absolutely terrifying.  Maybe go ahead and stay overseas for a while, Jen.  You can find a brand new man and avoid this psychotic one.

I thought this was pretty darned hilarious. These are Twitter’s current trending topics worldwide.

(Hey, are you following Evil Beet Gossip on Twitter? You should be.)