Molls reported yesterday that Michael Lohan’s girlfriend, Kate Major, filed a police report against Michael, claiming that he assaulted her.  Since then, there have been some pretty interesting developments.  It looks to me like Lindsay passed off the train wreck baton to Daddy!

TMZ has obtained the police report that Kate filed, and here’s how that whole story goes:

According to Kate’s complaint she says, “My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair.  He woke me up, yelling, ‘Why didn’t you pick up your cell phone, you stupid c**t.’”

Kate continues, “He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor.  I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him.  He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground.  He stood over me and said, ‘I’m going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.’”

Kate says, “He said all of this to me cause he is afraid I’m going to leave him.  I am very afraid of him.”

Police officers noted in the report that Kate had a swollen lip, and she also had a sore collarbone and a scraped knee.  Classy stuff, Michael.  He’s been officially charged with 2nd degree harassment, and he’ll be arraigned on August 18.  Here’s what Michael’s lawyer had to say about the whole situation:

“Michael Lohan 100% denies each and every one of Kate Major’s allegations.  He has never threatened to harm her, never assaulted her, and never physically abused her in any way.

Kate was heavily intoxicated during the verbal argument between Michael and Kate in the early afternoon on Monday.  Michael Lohan has been clean and sober for six years.

Michael Lohan is fully cooperating with the police investigation.  No charges have been filed.  He expects to be fully vindicated.”

My favorite part is the part in the middle where they say that Kate was drunk, but Michael Lohan was not, because he’s a fucking miracle and don’t you forget it.  I don’t understand why that’s relevant – it sounds like they’re saying “no, none of this happened, but if it did, it was probably divine punishment that Michael executed for God Himself in an attempt to save her sinful soul from an eternity of hellfire.”  I don’t care how drunk you are, I’m pretty sure you’d at least vaguely recall your boyfriend knocking you around and threatening to kill you.  But maybe that’s just me.

Damn, Whoopi. Are you drunk? High? “Overworked”? Is it even legal to get high and go on The View? Wouldn’t you think Elisabeth Hasselbeck would have a bit to say about that, the strait-laced crazy-monger that she is?

“Still slightly drugged.” SLIGHTLY?

Forget The Client List — this video is feel-good entertainment at its best.

So, Jen. We meet again! What’s new, how are you, that’s just great. How’d that whole housewife-cum-prostitute movie work out? You know, I really really meant to watch it, but I had some serious episodes of 24 season 2 to catch up on. Oh, yeah, that and the movie was on Lifetime, and unless it’s Christmastime, I have a serious aversion to anything on that wretched channel.

What can I say — I’m a sucker for Holiday in Handcuffs seventeen times in seventeen days.

And isn’t Kathy Ireland or something big with Lifetime? Is that who designed your dress? Or maybe, you know, it was Alfred Dunner. He’s big in geriatric circles, I’ve heard. Either way, take cover. My grandma’s on her way, she doesn’t remember things all that well, and she’s pissed. Take cover, woman!

“He was after me since I was 18 … he totally wasn’t my type … I thought he was gay … After a few years, he was persistent … so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him.”

Julianne Hough on her newest (and confirmed!) boyfriend, Ryan Seacrest. Don’t sweat it too much, though, Jules. A lot of other people thought he was gay, too, but that didn’t stop them from swooning over him. Everyone caves sooner or later.

I know it’s been just forever, but do you guys remember Simon Monjack? Brittany Murphy’s husband? The one who died not six months after Murphy herself passed?

Well, it turns out that the LA County Coroner has got the final word back on Monjack’s autopsy: Monjack’s cause of death was the same as his late wife, Brittany’s. Back in December, Brittany died from what was said ultimately to be pneumonia and anemia, and the coroner has released a statement stating that Monjack, who passed away in May, died of … pneumonia and anemia.

It’s the mom. It’s totally the mom. She’s a vampire who, after sucking her victim’s blood, replaces the lost blood with some kind of watery substitute, which ultimately settles in the lungs — hence, the whole pneumonia thing.

No, I’m joking. I don’t know whether she’s a vampire or not, jeez.

But the whole thing’s pretty weird, if you ask me.

Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of the release of the best movie ever made, Clueless, so I figured this would be the perfect time to point out what a Betty Stacey Dash is even after all of these years. These photos, shot for some magazine called Karin + Raoul, are the first I’ve seen of Stacey since she appeared on Circus of the Stars a few years ago, and that shit still haunts me in my dreams. Regardless, Stacey looks good, unlike the rest of her co-stars, who are either fat or dead. Sorry. Way harsh.