But good news! Amanda Bynes is back!

When Amanda retired last month, I was heartbroken, like I’m sure many of you were.  I haven’t seen anything she’s done since The Amanda Show, but that was a real good show, you know?  I’d always hoped she’d get a new show on Nickelodeon, or maybe do a guest appearance on iCarly or something.  My hopes were crushed, but now everything’s ok, because Amanda once again took to her Twitter to announce the state of her career, and here’s what she had to say:

i’ve unretired

So you guys go out and have a good time tonight with the knowledge that Amanda Bynes is going to go back to making mediocre movies.  I know I will!

Just a few days after Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr got married, several people are speculating that the quick marriage was due to Miranda being knocked up, and those rumors weren’t helped along when Miranda cancelled an appearance in an upcoming fashion show.

The Daily Mail claims that sources say Miranda’s already three months’ pregnant, and an Australian columnist has said that they’ve already announced the pregnancy to friends and family. And here’s a quote Miranda made a few weeks ago:

“I have always been very open about wanting to be a mother one day. And I’ve always thought Orlando would be a great dad.”

What do you think?  Was the wedding rushed to avoid having a child out of wedlock, or are they just in love?  If and when the couple does have children, would they not be the most adorable celebrity offspring?  Do you even care about the state of Miranda Kerr’s uterus?

From what I’ve seen of Levi Johnston, he does nothing without class and eloquence.  Ok, of course I’m kidding, but I love watching this trashy kid create his own drama and roll around in it, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to stop anytime soon.

Levi’s going to appear in Brittani Senser’s video for “After Love.”  I don’t have a clue who the Brittani chick is, and I don’t need to, because here’s the video’s concept:  Levi plays a good ol’ boy in love who has to deal with the disapproval of his girlfriend’s mother.  And nobody gives a fuck what Sarah Palin thinks:

“I don’t think we’re going to be concerned about what Gov. Palin would want. I think that given the script, [Johnston] should be able to turn in a good performance.”

Oh, I’m sure he will.  Filming for the video starts on August 9, so I guess we’ll have to wait a month to see how this particular slice of crazy Alaskan drama goes down.

And just a little casting tip:  I think they should get the girl who was in Who’s Nailin’ Paylin to play the girlfriend’s mom, because she was lovely.  Just a suggestion.

Well, you’d be wrong, because even while locked up in jail, Lindsay can really generate some gossip.  The girl has a gift, and I am not about to put her light under a bushel basket.

So yeah, Lindsay has been having a rough time in jail.  An inmate who was released on Friday was gracious enough to let people know what’s going on with her:

“Lindsay would lie there shivering all night, crying and trying to cover her face with her hands. Her wailing was keeping everyone awake.”

The inmate also discussed an episode Lindsay had on Friday:

“She is in with the killers and she has only been let out for hour-long breaks, and during those she was locked down to a table. Today (Friday), Lindsay got put on lockdown. She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling so she got put in isolation.”

Another freshly released inmate opened up about the taunting Lindsay’s facing at the hands of the other prisoners:

“She was just sitting in her cell staring straight ahead. Sometimes wailing, but mostly just sitting. Some of the inmates in our ward, some of the tougher ones, were yelling ‘fire crotch’ at her. They just started chanting it at her. Lindsay didn’t say nothing. She was crying though.”

While this all sounds awful … I mean, it’s jail.  If you drive drunk a couple times and do some cocaine every once in a while, you should at least consider the possibility that one day you could be in an orange jumpsuit, eating gross food and listening to people mock your natural hair color.

I went to a Tino Coury concert last night, so that’s probably better.

I just want to make sure you guys know about Tino.  He’s kind of like Justin Bieber, if Justin Bieber had gone through puberty correctly and turned out halfway attractive.  He’s also about a thousand times more earnest.  Just look at his heartfelt hand gestures when he talks about reading your diary and you can tell that he means every word he sings.

Also, he has a lyric that says “I feel just like J.T. on that ‘Cry Me a River.’”  And there’s no way I can’t love that.

I’m about 75% sure he didn’t actually sing at the concert, which I guess is cool because it was on a high school football field in my hometown, but you could tell he was just feeling it so hard, and I think that’s excellent.  His songs might sound like they were written by a lovesick middle school student, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t clapping my heart out for him.  And I feel nothing but great about that.

And not the guy in the gold shirt.  But oh, how I wish it could have been the guy in the gold shirt…

Alexis Neiers, the girl with the roses and the balloon animal and also the girl that was living in the cell next to Lindsay Lohan’s, was released from jail yesterday after serving just 30 days of her 180-day sentence.  You know, the sentence she received for breaking into Orlando Bloom’s house (she also broke into Lindsay’s house, but she didn’t go to court for that one). Although it’s incredibly lame that she got out of jail so soon, she will have to pay up to $600,000 in restitution and she’s going to be on probation for three years, so I guess that’s something.

This is all so tragic for Lindsay, though.  Who is she going to talk to during those lonesome days, locked up in her cell with nary a friend in sight?  Who is she going to laugh with over the less fortunate, less attractive women in the cells around them? And most importantly, if Alexis served such a small fraction of her original sentence, when is Lindsay really going to get out?