Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Oh, Look, Someone’s Actually Trying to Save Lindsay Lohan’s Life

This afternoon, Judge Marsha Revel (who cares about Lindsay Lohan) sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days in an inpatient rehab as a result of probation violations stemming from her 2007 DUI. The prosecutor, Danette Meyers (who cares about Lindsay Lohan), told the judge that Lindsay has been consistently skipping her alcohol ed classes and disrespecting the judge’s orders.

Her father, Michael Lohan (who cares about Michael Lohan and never about Lindsay Lohan), wrote a letter to the court begging the judge not to send his daughter to jail but rather to a private inpatient rehab. Because, ya know, 30 days of inpatient have worked so well for Lindsay the past four times she’s tried it.

Lindsay broke down crying in the courtroom, after telling the judge that she did the best she could to comply with orders. The judge had no mercy for her; Lindsay is expected to report for her 90 days in jail on July 20. Something tells me she’ll be doing more than the 84 minutes she served for an offense back in 2007.

Look, all I have to say is THANK GOD. I’m so relieved about this. And it’s not because I hate Lindsay Lohan. It’s because I love Lindsay Lohan. It’s because I have such a deep fondness for her. It’s because I’ve watched her grow up and I’ve watched her struggle and I’ve watched her hate and be hated and use and be used and fall in and out of courtrooms and bars and scandals and it all feels so exhausting and cyclical and doomed. My heart breaks for her again and again. This poor kid never had a chance. She was set up to fail.

All I want in the whole wide world for Lindsay Lohan is for someone to force her to actually spend six months sober and take a good hard look at the insanity that has become her life. And maybe, just maybe, for her to have the opportunity to surrender to all this, just stop fighting, and change the way she lives. I don’t want a dead Lindsay Lohan on my hands. I want a healthy, happy Lindsay Lohan on my hands, so that I can make fun of her outfits and her hair extensions and her albums for decades to come.

Lindsay, thank your lucky goddamn stars that someone in this world decided to step the fuck up and try to save your life. I hope you serve a full 90 days in jail and then I hope you do a full 90 days at an inpatient and I hope it changes you in all the ways you have fought so hard to not be changed. I hope what feels like the end can turn out to be your beginning.

19 CommentsLeave a comment

  • YAAAAY!!! I completely agree with you Beet!! Finally someone is saying no to Lindsay and giving her what she NEEDs not what she wants.

  • Hooray!!! for the judge. Finally “MAYBE” Lohan will get something out of this sentence. People say she was down in her luck and was set up – I don’t think so. She is an adult and should act like one. Fame went to her little head if she has one. Well this judge saw right thru her and gave her what been done a long time ago. Actress or not – laws are made for every one and should be carried out and not shorten because of her status. Carry out this sentence Lohan and try to see the erroes of your ways. Good luck – I hope.

  • What a great piece … my sentiments exactly expressed a hundred times better than I ever could! It’s strange how much I care about Lindsay Lohan and hope that it all works out for her considering that I only know her from movie screens and tabloid pages, but it’s true.

      • Wasn’t meant that way at all. Alcohol abuse and the inability of an alcoholic to get help (and the constant back and forth from one detox center to the other) are extremely personal issues to me, and the coverage of Lindsay Lohan’s story tends to be trivialized by the media. I just appreciated Sasha’s approach to this very serious (and timely, to me) issue. Sorry if you had a problem with that.

      • Uhhhh, you work for her.

        The Internet hate machine was going to say something like “daddy slap you around a little when he was in his cups?” But that would just be mean, so never mind.

  • Evil Beet, that was kinda a nice — no, that WAS a really nice post. For once no sarcasm, and yeah, only the freakin’ judge and prosecutor probably actually really DO care about her. Now THAT’s the tragedy. WHere’s Mom and Dad aside from being fame whores? Why can they tone down the BS and just sing the same song again and again so she knows they mean business? Not today, Al, not today.

    Anyhow, sad but true, but very well put. A+.

    No, she won’t be shanked, she’s not gonna be in general pop. Mr. Evilbeetdouche. You get a C- for reading comprehension.
    The nose to ass comment is noted. I hopefully qualified my unqualified kudos to your liking, since I know you like nose-to-ass activity .

  • Did all of these people that are elated that LiLo is going to jail just fall off of a turnip truck? There is no rehab in jail. Sending a drunk to jail isn’t going to make a drunk sober no more than if I spent 90 days at NASA would make me an astronaut. All that the prosecutor, Danette Meyers was doing in court was trying to show what a wonderful lawyer she was in order to advance her cause and get out of the DA’s office while in front of the TV camera. That’s a resume’ that just doesn’t quit!. If Judge Revel and Danette Meyers were REALLY interested in Lindsey’s well being, they would have required her to be admitted to a Drug/alcohol program immediately and not allow her to leave until she was rehabilitated. Even if it took a year! I know she will still have to go to rehab after jail. But she is going to need to be rehabilitated from spending time in jail also. If the judge were trying to send a message about parole violations, 3 days would have been more than adequate to scare the hell out of her. Jail is not a place of rehabilitation. Jail is where you learn how to be a criminal. And people wonder why the jails are so over crowded and crime is on the rise. Put the violent offenders in jail and get them off the street. Put Lindsey in rehab, suspend her driving privileges as well as right to ownership of a motor vehicle. Get her well. I am really surprised the people aren’t raising holy hell over this!!

    • Jeez, chill. She’s not going to even be in jail for the full 90 days. Honestly I’ll be surprised if she does 10, and she’ll be separated from the general population anyway. This isn’t Shawshank Redemption, Jesus.

  • “This poor kid never had a chance. She was set up to fail.”

    “Poor kid” was given fame, money, & every opportunity in the world. More like- This poor kid never had a brain. She was set up to succeed, but made all the wrong choices. Like every addict, she is responsible for her bad choices. No one to blame but herself.

    PS- Glad your posting more often Beet!

  • ohhh, i hope she does get through this and at the end of all this become a better person!!:)