This afternoon, Judge Marsha Revel (who cares about Lindsay Lohan) sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days in an inpatient rehab as a result of probation violations stemming from her 2007 DUI. The prosecutor, Danette Meyers (who cares about Lindsay Lohan), told the judge that Lindsay has been consistently skipping her alcohol ed classes and disrespecting the judge’s orders.
Her father, Michael Lohan (who cares about Michael Lohan and never about Lindsay Lohan), wrote a letter to the court begging the judge not to send his daughter to jail but rather to a private inpatient rehab. Because, ya know, 30 days of inpatient have worked so well for Lindsay the past four times she’s tried it.
Lindsay broke down crying in the courtroom, after telling the judge that she did the best she could to comply with orders. The judge had no mercy for her; Lindsay is expected to report for her 90 days in jail on July 20. Something tells me she’ll be doing more than the 84 minutes she served for an offense back in 2007.
Look, all I have to say is THANK GOD. I’m so relieved about this. And it’s not because I hate Lindsay Lohan. It’s because I love Lindsay Lohan. It’s because I have such a deep fondness for her. It’s because I’ve watched her grow up and I’ve watched her struggle and I’ve watched her hate and be hated and use and be used and fall in and out of courtrooms and bars and scandals and it all feels so exhausting and cyclical and doomed. My heart breaks for her again and again. This poor kid never had a chance. She was set up to fail.
All I want in the whole wide world for Lindsay Lohan is for someone to force her to actually spend six months sober and take a good hard look at the insanity that has become her life. And maybe, just maybe, for her to have the opportunity to surrender to all this, just stop fighting, and change the way she lives. I don’t want a dead Lindsay Lohan on my hands. I want a healthy, happy Lindsay Lohan on my hands, so that I can make fun of her outfits and her hair extensions and her albums for decades to come.
Lindsay, thank your lucky goddamn stars that someone in this world decided to step the fuck up and try to save your life. I hope you serve a full 90 days in jail and then I hope you do a full 90 days at an inpatient and I hope it changes you in all the ways you have fought so hard to not be changed. I hope what feels like the end can turn out to be your beginning.