HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY BITCHES!!!!
As a dirty Jew, I don’t celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I respect the dude and believe him to be a great spiritual leader, I just don’t throw a birthday party for him any more than I throw a birthday party for Eckhart Tolle. Heh. I might do that next year, though. The invite:
What: My Eckhartmas Party!
Where: Now
When: Now
What should I bring?: Your pain body. Also, wine and any appetizers you think you’ll want.
The point of all this?
4th of July is my Christmas! I celebrate the birth of my very favorite country in the whole wide world, as fundamentally driven by a mass insanity as it is. It may be an ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, but, goddamn it, it’s my ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, and it’s got a bald eagle’s talon-grip on my heart. (Fortunately, bald eagles will be extinct soon.)
America, thank you for killing people in the name of my gas prices, for keeping those horrid gay people from ruining my life by marrying each other, and also for Furbies. (Furbies are awesome 95% of the time.)
I love you America. I would say we should get married but I’m pretty sure you’re a chick.
Get outside, get some sun, get drunk, then get a cab. Get home safe. Don’t do stupid shit. Before you do stupid shit, ask yourself “Would Beet say this is stupid shit?” and if the answer is yes, don’t do it.
Happy Fourth. YAY AMERICA!
you're disgusting.
What a sad and discusting life you must live.
I guess you just prove the true meaning of freedom of speech. Though I wonder if you were high when you decided to publish this it IS your right to voice your opinion. But for me, you crossed a line on this one.
don't forget about tipsy tow~
amazing lol
And you're likely very uptight. Get over yourself.
As a fellow “Dirty Jew”, I commend your brazen post. I'm not as into the 4th, but I get what you're saying and appreciate you speaking your mind. F*** the haters. It's your frickin blog!
hahah “discusting”
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I especially liked the B-2 Bomber stuff and the A-bombs. Poems rock too!
I loved this post. Haters–at the very least, use spell check! Go America!
Thank you, though let's nip the high rumor right now. Not high. In fact, I'd just come back from running a 4th of July midnight 5K: http://twitter.com/evilbeet/status/17706533933
I will however, admit to having consumed perhaps one too many Red Bulls. :)
chill out, it's ok.
Will you marry me
Wow, if there was an award for how much classlessness can be crammed into one blog post, I would be presenting it you right now.
America is pretty flawed, and yes we do occasionally like to shit on other nations for our own personal gain, but I love our country. The US was actually instrumental in the creation of the UN, an organization fundamentally devoted to world peace and diminishing violent warfare, so I would not say that we're “out to destroy any hope of peace on earth” but I appreciate the humor.
yes except you pretty much ignore the UN whenever you feel like it… so
this post is amazing. “thank you for killing people in the name of my gas prices” – couldnt have said it better myself. and i say a lot of things.
to the haters – get a grip. possibly read a (legitimate) newspaper. and then perhaps try to appreciate those who can find some humor in our fucked up country's policies and practices.
AMURRRICA!
haha! love you, beet. happy fourth from one heathen to another!
I don't think I'm getting nearly the credit I deserve for how funny the Eckhartmas invite was. :(
Always.
Not “whenever we feel like it” but yes, America has its own agenda, as do the other 5 permanent seat members on the UN. The US was and still is to some extent, the most powerful country in the world following WWII – why wouldn't it protect its own interests? I assure you if any other country was as economic and militarily powerful it would do the same. It was miraculous GWB even asked the Security Council for permission to go into Iraq so I don't get the snarky comment. The US doesn't always go about it the right way, i.e. Iraq disaster, but the US is definitely not the lone country obstructing world peace in an extremely complicated world system.
I put kosher salt on a pork tenderloin today as I smoked it and thought about killin' Brits, Krauts, Nips, Towel Heads and other fuckers who may have what I want in the spirit of our independence. Is that some kind of Jew sin/crime?
Funny post! America….support it, love it…..or leave it!
I had to google him,I thought Eckhart was a brand of microwaves! Now the I've gotten some insight,your invite is very funny! And once again you have intrigued me.
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beet, you're fucking hilarious. we really miss you.
you call it “protecting your own interests”- we call it “whenever you feel like it”/ same diff. If one is just going to protect one's own interests by going to war without support, then don't also try to take credit for forming an organization to “diminishing violent warfare” and I guess we'll never know what any other country would do…. but MOST (obv not all) don't start wars
America is a Bible Land
by Bertrand L. Comparet
All Christians know that the prophets foretold the future, and gave many prophecies which are being fulfilled in our time; but it may be news to many that the Bible even speaks of our own United States of America. Not under that name, 'of course; but the Bible describes a certain land in such terms as definitely identify it as the United States. However, part of this has been concealed from all—but the deepest students of the Bible by the unfortunate mistranslation of certain words in the commonly-used King James Version.
The Prophet Isaiah, one, of the most deeply inspired prophets in the Bible, foretells the future of a number of different nations. With one exception, these kingdoms which were then important nations, were competing with one another for mastery – over western Asia and the Mediterranean shores. In his thirteenth chapter, Isaiah names Babylon, and foretells its coming destruction- -even naming the Medes as the chief nation by whom Babylon would be overthrown (although Isaiah wrote this 176 years before the fall of Babylon); he also foretells that, after its destruction, the Arabs would never camp overnight at the site of the mined city–which is still true, even today. In his fourteenth chapter Isaiah concludes his prophecies against Babylon, and names another people doomed to be broken as a punishment for their evil ways–the Assyrians.
In the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters, Isaiah prophesies the destruction of another nation, that of Moab. In his seventeenth chapter, Isaiah foretells the fall of Damascus. (Let us skip over the eighteenth chapter for the moment; but we will come back to it.) In the nineteenth and twentieth chapters, he foretells the destruction of another mighty nation–the great empire of Egypt; and in the twenty-third chapter, he foretells the doom of the powerful commercial seaport of Tyre.
All of these nations were pagan enemies of God's people, and God's patience with their wickedness was near its end; so these prophecies are all prophecies of destruction. Isaiah lists these nations all by name–for they then had names, and were the important nations of their day. But in the midst of this, in the short eighteenth chapter, Isaiah speaks of another nation which he does not name, but merely Ascribes it. Unfortunately the translators have sadly garbled this short chapter until its meaning is lost. Correctly translated from the Hebrew, its references to this un-named nation (found in verses one, two, three, and seven) read thus: Ho! to the land of buzzing wings, which lies beyond the rivers of Ethiopia; “That sends its ambassadors by sea, in water-drinking vessels upon the waters. Go, you swift messengers, to a nation tall and. smooth-shaven, to a people terrible from their beginning onward; a nation measured out by lines under foot, whose land the rivers divide.
At that time shall a present be brought to the Lord of Hosts: A people tall and smooth-shaven, a nation measured out by lines under foot, whose land the rivers quarter, to the place of the name of the Lord of Hosts, Mount Zion.'
Now, let us examine this very unusual description, and see which nation it will fit. It is not named–and as we shall see, this is for the very good reason that, at the time when Isaiah wrote, it had no name, for it did not yet exist.
The first strange thing we note is that it is “the land of buzzing wings.” Nearly all of you who listen to me can, at this moment, hear the drone of airplanes in the sky. No other nation in the world has its skies so filled with “buzzing wings,” day and night, as our own United States.
Next, where is it located? Isaiah says it is “beyond the rivers of Ethiopia.” The rivers of Ethiopia are the tributaries which unite into the great River Nile and flow northward into the Mediterranean Sea due west of Jerusalem. Look straight west from Jerusalem, where the Prophet wrote these words, and your line of vision will cut across the mouths of the River Nile, across the north African shore, through Libya, Tunisia, Algeria and Morocco–none of which can possibly answer any part of the description of this nation. So we keep going on, due west, across the Atlantic Ocean, and we arrive at the shores of the United States on the coastline of Georgia and South Carolina.
Isaiah says that this nation “sends its ambassadors by sea, in water-drinking vessels upon the waters.” The American ambassadors can go only to Mexico and Canada by land; more than almost any other nation, we must send our ambassadors by sea–until just the last few years, when we became able to send them on the “buzzing-wings.” By sea, they have gone, for most of our history, in “waterdrinking vessels”–that is, steamships, which must “drink” great quantities of water for their boilers.
It is a nation “tall and smooth-shaven. ” You have noticed how few foreigners are of our height. In both World Wars, the United States Army was the tallest army on record; and among them were few moustaches, practically no beards. Today, except for the “beatniks,” where can you find a beard among us?
It is a “people terrible from their beginning onward”–and so we have been. We were born by defeating the greatest power in Europe, the British Empire–not only once, but twice; we whipped the North African pirate kings to whom even proud Britain was paying tribute; we ended Spain's long dream of world-wide empire; we won two World Wars which must have gone the other way if we had stayed out.
A nation measured out by lines under foot,” says Isaiah. The United States Metes and Bounds Act, enacted by Congress about a century and a half ago, established the world's first system of surveying the whole nation into sections and townships, laid out by the compass–which, even today, most nations do not have — truly “a nation measured out by lines on the ground, under foot.
It is a nation “whose land the rivers divide, or quarter.” The Mississippi River cuts our land in half, from north to south; the Ohio River and its tributaries divide the eastern half in two; and the Columbia, the North Plate, and related streams, cut the western half in two. Where else do you find the like?
Isaiah says, “All you inhabitants of the world and you dwellers on the earth, when a banner is raised on the mountains, look in fear; and attend when the bugle is blown.” Truly, we are “a nation terrible from their beginning onward”; and when our battle-flags fly and the bugles call our armies to war, the whole world has learned that it had better pay very respectful attention.
There is no other nation in the world which will fit this entire description; but our nation does. But there is still one more point: verse seven says: At that time. shall a present be brought to the Lord of Hosts: a nation tall and smooth-shaven, a people terrible from their beginning onward, a nation measured out by lines under foot, whose land the rivers quarter, to the place of the name of the Lord of Hosts, Mount Zion. ” This is no pagan nation, like those of Asia and Africa; it is no atheist nation, like those of the Communist empire; it is a Christian nation, bringing its people, its strength, its hopes and ideals as a present to our God.
It has been proved to you that we are even today living in Bible times. But it is also true that you are living in a Bible land, one favorably mentioned in the Bible. The Bible is written about us, and written to us: IT IS OUR BOOK AND WE ARE ITS PEOPLE.
fuck no its not, maybe in the bible belt.
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What sad life this chic must have…..
dude…. LOL, the 'haters' my friend is whats on your side. Really be cool…. stop your hate and learn to open yourself up to other people even though they may love this Country or for God sake be a conservative! Be proud of your Country and God Bless the USA!
I ran it too, good times! :)
AMERICA FUCK YA
It was awesome, right? I already can't wait to do it again next year!
I probably should have included a Wikipedia link. I always expect everyone to understand my obscure spiritual references. In my defense, though, he's been on Oprah a bunch, so it was a reasonable assumption in this case.
Who's Oprah?
I was in the military for 8 1/2 years and even though I love this country, I hate what we've become. I don't think the founding fathers would like it much either. So, yeah, let's laugh at ourselves and enjoy our lives but also try to make it better for the rest of the world. There's a reason they hate us and think we're a bunch of bullies…. it's cuz we ARE!
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No, it’s the few and the douche that are bullies, the rest of us just roll our eyes and pray to god we’re no clomped into the same category. ;)
Um, just so you know, The fourth of July has no religious context, it’s the celebration of the United States independence from Britain.