The fuck happened to the girl’s face? It looks like it could be one of the following things: a) She’s gotten some kind of jaw-reduction surgery, which resulted in a really unfortunate case of what I call “weak chin-ness,” b) She hasn’t washed her nose, mouth or jaw since Armageddon was released, or c) Really bad photoshopping ensues once again.

I’m going to have to go with option C here. But option B still sounds pretty palatable, considering that’s exactly what it looks like.

The always-refreshingly-beautiful Liv recently appeared on the cover of UK’s Tatler magazine, and she should be pissed at what the photo editors have done to her lovely, impish face. She also claims that she’s a really poor dater and doesn’t do it that often at all:

After separating from her husband Royston Langdon of the band Spacehog seven years ago, Liv Tyler seems in no hurry to get hitched again.

“I fall in love once in a blue moon,” the 32-year-old actress and model wistfully informs Tatler.

She adds that her friends have tried to persuade her to go out on dates, but she will have none of it. “I wouldn’t be capable of having a casual fling,” she says. “I’m far too sensitive, and I just wouldn’t have any pleasure from it.”

Looks like you also wash your face once in a blue moon, too, lady. What’s your addy? I’ll send you some of this really fabulous soap I made a few months ago. You’ll totally dig it, although I’m totally kidding. About me making soap.

More photos in the gallery of Liv not looking like she dove face-first into a bowl of chocolate ice cream and dust.

Well … Kind of.

So we’ve had Paul Gray of Slipknot, Gary Coleman, the much-revered Dennis Hopper, musical icon Lena Horne, Black Sabbath rocker Ronnie Dio, political analyst and insider David Ginsburg, Brittany Murphy’s husband, Simon Monjack and lifelong TV personality Art Linkletter, just to name a few — and all before the summer solstice. Craziness and total sadness.

However, something I’m completely not sad for? The latest SOD victim: Andrew Koppel. You might not recognize his name, because he’s just affiliated with someone famous (dude just so happens to be son of mega television news anchor Ted Koppel), but he was found dead early this morning in a New York City apartment after what some called a “day-long drinking binge.” Way to commemorate America’s fallen heroes by doing something so fucking stupid and drinking yourself to death in just one day. Great.

I’m sorry; I know I probably sound like a total douchey bitch over this, but I have no remorse or sympathy for people who engage in this kind of behavior. Most people have a hard time drinking themselves to death over a period of years or even a lifetime, but not this guy. Dumb ass does it in one day. Koppel was said to be drinking straight whiskey all damned day and yet, he totally expected to wake up the following morning.

Koppel was joined by some waiter at one point during the day, who hung out with him during his “pub-crawl.” Russell Wimberly, the Washington Heights-living waiter, claimed that Koppel seemed on a mission to get drunk; between bar stops, Wimberly stated that Koppel sipped from a bottle of Jameson. When Koppel became too inebriated to do anything but crash, Wimberly brought him back to his apartment, which he shared with a live-in girlfriend. The couple put Koppel to bed in order to sleep it off, but found him unresponsive a few hours later, not breathing. Koppel had also pissed and shit himself in the bed.

I’m desperately sorry to this idiot’s girlfriend and child, both left behind and who also reside in NYC. I’m also sorry for Ted Koppel, who seems like a solid dude and a former resident of Nazi Germany, who fled to the states for a better life, secured and defended by the American government and its soldiers. I’m sure he was happy to observe Memorial Day by learning of his son’s death-by-stupidity.

Just goes to show, money can’t buy you class. Or reservation.

Dear Adrien Brody:

I love you. I’ve loved you since I first saw you in The Pianist. When you looked out from your Nazi-ravaged apartment and directly into the camera, we had a moment. I’d swear on all that’s holy that we did. I write this letter to you with a heavy heart and a burning pit that resides in the depths of my stomach, for I fear that I’m going unnoticed by you as of late.

And now.  Now I hear rumors that you’re dating January Jones and I have to ask: what’s the appeal? Why not me, Adrien? Oh, the things that I would do to you (and for you!) had I the chance. I could take you around the block and show you the world all in one jaunt more than a few times. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, I’m your girl; I’m married. What type of woman knows how to force a make a relationship last other than one who’s married? If it’s a quick sexual fling that you’re into, I campaign to be your first choice. I could show you things that I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen (uh, guaranteed) before.

But January Jones, man. January Jones. She’s the chick that was supposed to be banging Jeremy “Cause of Death: Undercooked Fish” Piven. And she was hooking up with Ashton Kutcher at one point and he was known for screwing some pretty smarmy, easy chicks. She even dated crazy-eyed Josh Groban. Yeah, she’s probably appealing in that she’s “eclectic” sort of way ’cause she likes a strange blend of dudes that’d rival mixing espresso and lime juice or whatever, but count me unimpressed.

Anyway, I implore you to lay off the skinny, horse-faced blonde. She’s not for you, Adrien, and I’m not saying this because I fervently want to solicit your penis and eventually, your burning, mutually-undying love; I’m saying this because I want you to be happy in a way that only I know how to induce.  Not that skinny, horse-faced January Jones.

I wish you luck, Adrien, but no other woman could love you like I would.

Total sadface,
Sarah

PS -
I’m totally going to see Predators, even though I’m sure it’s going to suck. Doesn’t that gesture itself speak volumes?

So I guess Megan Fox’s hotness has been photoshopped away in this photo. Which, clearly isn’t possible, since the photos don’t looked touched a bit, so that brings me to wonder if all of her other glam shots and pin-up photos have been. And I’m thinking, “yes.” While she’s still got a bangin’ face, her body’s just … not so hot. She’s, you know, cute-bodied and all, but nothing to write home about, frankly. I live at the beach; I see bodies like hers come and go on the daily and don’t bat an eye. Nothing phenom there, for real.

Megan and her henchman, Brian Austin Green, were photographed this past weekend observing Memorial Day in Maui.

I was a huge, huge fan of the original Beverly Hills 90210 back in the day and I will freely admit that Brian Austin Green was totally my nineties crush. I had posters of him up on the walls and watched the show religiously. While my other friends mooned over Brandon and Dylan and Steve, I was the odd-man out. I’ve always been the odd-man out; Isaac Hanson was my favorite Hanson and Adrien Brody is my “hottest male celebrity” ever. So, again, not surprising that I’d go for Green rather than Fox on this one. Cop-out.

So. Your sexual orientation aside, which bad thespian would you bang — the one with the nice face and not-so-amazing body or the one with the nice body and the not-so-amazing face? You can draw your own conclusions as to who’s who on that one.