So, did you watch last night’s MTV Movie Awards? I flipped back and forth between that and staring at the wall, because the wall was often more entertaining than the show itself (we just had our house perimeter re-mulched and there’s been an ant party in my house for the past few days, and I’ll tell you: it’s just been awesome), but I did catch the kiss between Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson. And though it was a bit contrived, I thought the gesture was cute. It was probably the best, cleanest action that Bullock’s gotten in a few months. Sorry, did I say that? … Yeah, I did. But it’s true.

I’m really glad for Sandra; not only did she receive the “Generation Award” award from the, uh, prestigious MTV Movie Awards committee, she’s coming back out of the woodwork to reclaim her rightful place in the spotlight and trying to put this whole miserable situation behind her. She’s totally a class act — even if she did smooch on my number 2 girl crush, I can forgive her — and I’m happy to see that nothing’s going to knock this super lady down. I also hope, with equal fervor, that Jesse James was watching from his garage, eating cheap Rite-Aid brand chocolates and weeping into the coverall-clad shoulders of his many friends employees. That one was just for you, baby.

The kiss is found at the 4:29 mark. Just about, anyway.

I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards last night. I did not watch them because I was, I dunno, doing anything other than watching the MTV Movie Awards. This did not stop me from logging into the photo agency sites tonight to pore over every damn dress that everyone wore, because that is the only thing good about awards shows anymore.

I’m so old I don’t even recognize half of the people in these photos. I’ll tell you what, though: THEY’RE ALL FAT. I’m kidding, of course. After nearly two full decades of the whole damn world whining in envious unison about how skinny everyone in Hollywood is, THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL REALLY SKINNY. THEY ARE GETTING SKINNIER. I know how, though. Kristen Stewart’s chin absorbs half the body mass of anything it comes into contact with.

Paris Hilton actually looked really pretty and happy and not at all disturbed by her recent realization that the witch doctor lied to her as a child, and sleeping with 500 D-listers at the height of their D-list fame is not, in fact, going to fix her wonky eye.

There is a chick named Lily Collins who I’ve never heard of but whoever was doing her hair extensions got carried away and gave her some serious eyebrow extensions, too, and then whoever was doing her eye makeup did everything possible to accentuate those eyebrows while still maintaining the 8-year-old-who-just-got-a-Cover-Girl-set-for-Christmas illusion, and, really, Lily Collins’ Makeup People, if that was the goal, GREAT FUCKING JOB. Seriously, who is this chick? Why am I so old now?

Stephanie Pratt should find the AA meeting where they talk about neon splatter dresses and make it her fucking home group.

Katy Perry is wearing a blue wig and the leftovers from Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA performance (JESUS CHRIST WAS THAT REALLY TEN YEARS AGO?) because the second you release a song called “California Gurls” you know it’s all over for you and you may as well wear a blue wig and stand next to the four-foot-tall Snooki Polizzi like you’re a goddamn drag queen because really who spells it “gurl” anymore? Are we going to publish a ‘zine about it, too?

Eat a cookie, Whitney Port. Eat a Snooki. I don’t care. Just eat. Do you still have a TV show? Can I be on it? Can anyone just be on a TV show now? Are you what would happen if someone forcibly stretched Snooki to three times her current height? Why is your dress the same color as pee?

Audrina Patridge looks more like a monkey every time I’m subjected to a visual reminder of her existence.

And that sparkly stuff on Lindsay Lohan’s — ahem — pantsuit? It’s cocaine. Later on, she’s going to get her SCRAM bracelet really fucking high, so that it doesn’t notice that she’s drunk.

Hey, Christina Aguilera? We’re chill, girl.

You’ve probably figured out by now that the only thing I care about on God’s green earth is the Real Housewives, so this news is particularly sad for me.

Teresa and Joe Giudice from the New Jersey series have filed for bankruptcy. The couple spends some serious change, and you know that if you’ve seen the show even once. Teresa is a totally girly girl and all four of her daughters are raised to be the same way. They are always dressed to the nines in clothes that just had the tags popped off and their house… their house is massive.

The news from Radar Online:

Their bankruptcy petition, filed in federal court in Newark, New Jersey, lists $11.8 million in debts. That includes $5.8 million on various business investments made by Joe, $2.6 million in mortgages on three homes, and $12,000 owed to a fertility clinic.

The couple also list $104, 000 in credit card bills, including $20,000 to top-tier department stores like Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom, and $2,300 to the phone company.

These people have four kids and they spent 12 grand at a fertility clinic? Talking about not knowing when you’ve had enough.

I wonder what kind of role this brokeness will play on the show and if Teresa will even continue to do the show in light of having her finances put on blast. I guess maybe she’ll need to.

All of last week people were talking about Miley Cyrus’ performance on Britain’s Got Talent in which the 17 year old singer gyrated in a sexy outfit and appeared to lock lips with one of her female dancers. But Miley says none of that is true! Our eyes were deceiving us!

Here’s what she had to say on her blog about the kiss:

“I performed ‘Can’t Be Tamed’ this week on one of my favorite shows here in the UK Britian’s Got Talent. Which is totally true, there were some amazinnnggg acts (but of course no one could focus on that.) I had such a blast and was so honored to be on that stage. That being said during my performance I supposedly ‘KISSED A GIRL’ and this is the newest thing to cause controversy.

I promise you I did not kiss her and it is ridiculous that two entertainers cant even rock out with each other without the media making it some type of story. I really hope my fans are not disappointed in me because the truth is I did nothing wrong. I got up there and did my job which is to perform to the best of my ability. I just want to put an end to this right now and just say one thing to everyone out there making this performance such a big deal.

GET OVER IT! NOTHING HAPPENED. THERE ARE WAYYYYYYY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD. Let’s start focusing a little less on making up ignorant rumors and focus a little more on world peace! We gotta a lot of work to do if we wan this earth to be here much longer. Let’s make a change! It wouldn’t hurt the world to show a little more love. X M”

Yeah! It sucks when entertainers can’t rock out! Like, God! What’s your problem? So what if it looks like an underage girl is experimenting with faux-lesbianism on a television show that will no doubt be seen all over the world! Like, who gives?! Just let her entertain and rock out.

Sandy B made a surprise appearance at the Spike TV Guy’s Choice Awards last night. The actress won the “Troop’s Choice” award, meaning that she was voted the favorite actress of those currently serving our country. What a wonderful honor for Sandra to celebrate in light of all of her recent sadness.

Sandra looked gorgeous and asked the audience if she won because of her talent or because the public pitied her because of all the drama in her private life. The audience was quick to respond, “YOU! YOU!”, but you know Sandy’s always humble. It made me a little emotional, not going to lie.

Lady Gaga has a guilty pleasure, and no, it’s not eating chocolate-covered midgets in a bath of milk like you’d think. Lady Gaga is actually somewhat obsessed with a little Taylor Swift song you might have heard on your radio dials a time or two.

Gaga told ShowStudio.com:

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, because she’s lovely. That Taylor Swift song? You Belong with Me? Oh my God! When it comes on the radio, I sing it so loud and I’m so embarrassed! Because I so freely sing it so loud! You can’t help it! The song, it’s not a bad song. It’s a great song! I think it’s just because it’s very whimsical in a way that I’m not necessarily whimsical every day. When it comes on, I just get this… I wanna sing it! Every woman feels that way. So I didn’t mean that in a bad way, Taylor. I think you’re lovely and beautiful, and I think you’re a great songwriter.

Blah, OK, I think Taylor Swift is totally bullshit (never have I seen “the Industry” gather around to suck someone’s dick harder. “No one can say anything mean about Taylor Swift!” Fuck yourselves, she’s a snooze) and I can’t stand her music, but HEY! We’ve all got songs like that. For me, it’s “Heard It All Before” by Sunshine Anderson. That’s my personal “You Belong With Me”. And you know, it’s kind of nice to imagine Lady Gaga singing along to her radio like a normal person.