If there’s anything I can’t stand more than poofy-haired, whiny, crooning “racist penis” John Mayer, it’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. So to give The Sitch any credit whatsoever really pains me in a way that I can’t completely convey to you.

The two were photographed at last night’s CMT Music Awards, The Situation looking like something you could wash your clothes on and oil a lawnmower with at the same time, and Mayer looks like he swallowed a small, bloated child. Whole.

Mayer was there to perform onstage with Keith Urban, but I’m still not sure why the cast of Jersey Shore was in attendance. Many would think that’d be like Adolf Hitler kicking it at his neighbor’s bar mitzvah or something. … Oh, wait. I get it now. It was a live televised event that people watch. I guess that was the hook. Gotcha.

Whatever. You know you’re on your way out when a greasy reality TV faux-star puts you to shame.

Both of you fools: Pull your damned shirts down.

Though, in my opinion, with no Ashton Kutcher in tow, (I heard he was grounded and couldn’t leave the house ’til he lost fifteen pounds) the premiere kind of fell flat. You know, unlike Heigl’s Aqua Net hair.

I’m not a Katherine Heigl fan, nor have I ever been, but I have to admit that she looks absolutely, positively stunning in all of these photos. Even the hair, which looks like it’s been channeled from beyond the grave of the deceased Julia Sugarbaker, suits her well in these photos.

My final opinion? She looks fabulously gorgeous and there’s no taking that away from her this time.

This time.

Star magazine seems to think so, but rumors have been churning through other media outlets, too. Star “exclusively” reports that Britney’s former caretaker-assistant-cum-boyfriend has a wandering eye, with a meandering penis to match:

“Jason has been cheating on Britney with [actress] Jessica [Steindorff] from the beginning of their relationship,” said one insider. “He has deceived Britney with his lies for too long, and somebody needs to tell her the truth, even if it hurts. He was always telling Jessica that he had broken up with Britney so it was OK that they were sleeping together.”

So, do you really think — despite how hard it might be to “handle” Ms. Spears at given points in time — Trawick would be dumb enough to screw around on such a revered international superstar? Though, you know, it might be kind of tough to put up with some intermittent craziness and down-home, uh, practices, Trawick would probably be best suited to stick with Brit, don’t you think? And in spite of her craziness, who wouldn’t want to hit that, just based on what she used to be like during her Justin Timberbumpin’ days? She’s a living legend; it was probably similar to when the Hanson boys got married to their “fans.” All three of them, I believe, met their significant others through various concert venues and all of the wives were hardcore fans or whatever, so I guess it’s kind of similar, right?

The Hanson brothers, past their tween prime, realized that it was as probably as good as it was going to get and that they may as well just latch on to the hottest fans they could, before they started to outgrow them, right? Their girls, who were probably stoked to be hooking up with the Hansons, are probably looking back fondly on those early days (even before they met and married), thinking back on what huge stars their husbands used to be. Whether or not their former star power will continue to be a lifelong appeal will remain to be seen, but I think that’s probably where Jason Trawick is right now.

And he’d be effing stupid to give that kind of notoriety up.

Tiffani Thiessen, whose pregnancy I mentioned earlier in the week, was finally captured on camera after all of these weeks, showing off her gorgeous baby bump. TMZ got the exclusive photo of Tiffani toddling around a golf course, cell phone in hand, and wearing all black.

She looks fabulous. This is, you know, her eighty-fifth week of pregnancy or something. Ever see a spider egg right before it opens? A big, thick, white pulsating cocoon of eenie-weenie baby spiders just scratching at the chance to get out? That’s what I think of when I look at this picture. That Tiffani Thiessen is going to turn the wrong way and she’s just going to rip and explode with thousands of tiny, adorable, wailing babies, all looking to suckle and feed, and get fashion advice.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, Tiff, and good luck with the delivery! I can’t wait to see the photos of what’s sure to be one of Hollywood’s cutest babies … and who’d think otherwise? Kelly Kapowski used to be the fiercest bitch on the block, ‘til Valerie Malone came along, anyway.

Image courtesy of TMZ

Jane Lynch is attracting a whole new set of fans with her role on Glee, and the kind that she finds the weirdest are the ones that want to sleep with her. Jane says in the video interview above that she’s thrilled when musical theater fans approach her on the street, and while she’s flattered by the other kind of praise she occasionally gets, she’s not so sure why a 17-year old boy would say he wants to “do” her.

I can’t say I’m sure why a 17-year old boy would want to do the nasty with Jane Lynch either, but if that’s the strangest thing she’s approached about, then I’d say she’s pretty lucky.

Leave it to K-Stew to appear bored and uninterested by a death threat. The Twilight star, who’s kinda known for being “blah” about just about everything, supposedly has a stalker who keeps repeatedly threatening her life, and while other stars who’ve faced similar scary folk have gotten restraining orders, Kristen has just decided to ignore it.

From the Chicago Sun Times:

A longtime Hollywood honcho, who has worked with Stewart, says the young actress is telling people around her she refuses to be intimidated. “She insists that no crazy ‘will keep me from living my own life,’” said the source, who understands that point of view.

“But this isn’t like the paparazzi — who Kristen understandably hates because they are so intrusive. These people can be dangerous.”

Apparently, Stewart — along with the rest of the young “Twilight” stars, particularly Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner — are bugged by many, many “Twilight” vampire-obsessed fans. The Stewart friend refers to them as “real nuts … scary kooks. … These people are far more serious than the merely annoying paparazzi.”

While it would probably be in the studio’s best interest to make sure their star is protected, I think Kristen’s public attitude of not giving a shit about the stalker is the way to go. Feeding into a stalkers ego by showing fear is exactly what they want– attention. I’m sure that Kristen will be fine, so this time I’ll give her and her bitchface a pass.