Glee is becoming the latest television show to be made into a porn. Thanks, Hustler, for making my life a little more complete.

The film isn’t going to be released until next month, but you can watch the trailer, which features Sue Sylvester kissin’ up on Tina, Mr. Schuester looking a little busted and creepin’ on a whole bunch of people, and what looks like a Cheerios orgy.  And if you’re as entranced by the musical number featured in the trailer as I am, you can watch the entire performance of “Big Tushy Ho’s” here. And since this whole post is about porn, I don’t think I have to tell you the links are NSFW, but I feel obligated to tell you that they are censored, so unfortunately you can’t see Mercedes lifting her skirt and actually showing Rachel her “pretty cotton tail.”

God, I love porn.  I can only imagine the process of filming this beautiful piece of art.  The actors doing vocal warm-ups while being fluffed, the hair stylist breaking down into tears because she can’t find a shitty enough wig to use for Sue, the musical director throwing chairs because the actress playing Rachel can’t work out the harmony in “Big Tushy Ho’s.”  There are so many possibilities.

“Will you just have my baby, and let’s just get it over?”

–Kid Rock to Sheryl Crow at this year’s CMT Music Awards.

Girl. Kid Rock is, by far, one of music’s hottest manly-man guys out there. He’s hot in that “I’m repulsed by my attraction to you and that makes it all the more hotter” kind of way, and if you had any inkling about what great sex is, you’d better take him up on his offer.

‘Cause, you know, unless he’s gonna be a sperm donor (which would be a waste of such hot, hot fornication), you’ve got to do the do with him.

One could only imagine that sex with Kid Rock would have to be a mind-blowing, spirit-altering experience.

Am I right or am I right?

‘Cause John Goodman is in it, and it’s totally the best he’s looked in, well, ever.

I’ve always been pretty hardcore about Goodman. When I was younger, I was a big Roseanne fan, though my parents didn’t want me watching it; they thought it was improper for a child of a young age, but faithfully, every week, both my mother and father tuned in at 9 PM after I was “put to bed.” What they didn’t know was that I’d always sneak out of bed and make my way to the open staircase we had in the house of my childhood. I’d always sit at the very top step, peering over the railing in an effort to catch a glimpse of Darlene, who was my idol and my favorite at the time.

Whether or not my parents knew that I was watching is unknown. They’re coming over for dinner tonight, so I’ll have to ask them since we’re on topic today.

But anyway, John Goodman is starring in HBO’s Treme a series about my favorite place on earth, New Orleans. It’s based on the events of Hurricane Katrina, the rebuilding effort and the first Mardi Gras after the storm, which, incidentally, I attended.

The show is amazing. It was done by the creator of The Wire, which is a favorite of my brother’s, and he was actually the one who turned me onto the show. He doesn’t watch it himself, but knew that I’d be all about it since it took place in NOLA.

John Goodman’s not the only fabulous star in the show; Steve Zahn, who is amazing, plays the part of a kooky musician and other names of notoriety are Khandi Alexander, Wendell Pierce and one of my favorite local musicians, Kermit Ruffins. It’s a great cast and a great show and clearly, Goodman’s riding the tailcoats of success and happiness because he looks fantastic as of late.

John was recently photographed at last night’s AFI Tribute to Mike Nichols. He’s lost a lot of weight, looks a lot healthier than he has in the past and is clearly stoked about being America’s Favorite Dad once again.

Good on you, John, and I can’t wait to see more of you on the next season of Treme.

The franchise’s fourth installment, Breaking Dawn will be split into two films; one will premiere in November 2011, while the second film’s release date has yet to be announced.

Yeah, and for all of you who don’t devour Stephanie Meyer’s novels like they’re chunks of sex-covered cheesecake on Blanche Devereaux’s kitchen table, Breaking Dawn will feature “sex” scenes and “childbirth” scenes, but will somehow maintain to keep its PG-13 rating. I can only imagine how this one’s going to go:

Edward: Oh, Bella … I want you so desperately. I need you so. I have to put my thing into your thing, and that way, we’ll create a beautiful moody, brooding offspring together.

Bella: Oh, Edward. I’d be pleased for you to put your thing into my thing. I’ve only been waiting for you to do this for my entire adolescence.

[Lights fade as the two climb into bed together, fully clothed.]

Nine months later …

Flash-forward to Bella and Edward sitting at their kitchen table in a bright and cheery kitchen. Things have changed drastically since the two have “made love.” Sunlight pours in the windows and dust particles dance in the shimmering sunbeams while the two anticipate the Arrival of Their Child.

Bella and Edward gaze lovingly into one another’s eyes while they grasp hands. There’s excitement in the air; even Edward has an unnatural blush high in his cheeks.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, the two jump and start at the sound of the clanging doorbell, which plays “That’s What Friends Are For.” The couple rejoins hands, intertwining sweaty, nervous fingers and walk slowly, deliberately down the hallway and into the foyer, where a large shape behind the mullioned glass door throws odd-angled shadows on the plush carpeting and dark-stained hardwood below.

They look at one another as Bella bites her lip as Edward gives her an encouraging, yet curt, nod. “Now is the time,” Edward’s eyes seem to say. Bella, with her free hand, opens the door and gasps — for standing there, almost silhouetted by the bright early-morning sunlight, is …
(more…)

But no. No one ever heeds my advice. And look what happens. The hottest man in the world ends up shagging a woman who wrecks a bunch of cars and walks away (literally), shrugging her shoulders.

Yep, January Jones, star of Mad Men and alleged girl-thing of my main squeeze, Adrien Brody, was involved in four-car smashup earlier last night. The LAPD stated that Jones hit three cars with her own Range Rover, causing substantial damages. After a witness called the accident in, Jones was reported to take off on foot, claiming that she couldn’t stick around for this kind of madness (no pun intended). Jones later returned to the scene and told police officers that she’d taken off because the paparazzi had been hounding her. Likely.

Currently, there are no factors of drugs or alcohol to consider, but one never really knows, do they?

See, Adrien? I’m not gonna say ‘I told you so,’ but, damn, boyfriend. I told you so.

Changed your mind yet, have you?

Whoa, Holly Madison, you’re looking a little rough, huh? [Celebslam]

Oh, Heidi Montag’s pregnant now, too? Gag me with an EPT. [popbytes]

Who’s the best cock in television? It’s not who you think. [Pajiba]

Kelly Osbourne has some seriously grey hair … and she’s talking about “divas” who use the gay community for their publicity. [Celebitchy]

Are you stoked for True Blood? We are. [Zelda Lily]

Yeah. Someone really spilled a drink on Lohan’s ankle and that’s what set her asshole bracelet off. Got it. [Allie is Wired]

This is … really Jennifer Lopez? And not, you know, not Jennifer Lopez? [Amy Grindhouse]

She wears, she wears, she wears no pants. [Betty Confidential]

WTF is Lady Gaga wearing here? A box? Platform shoes? John Travolta from his Saturday Night Fever days? [OMGBlog]

Robert Pattinson on the set of “Water For Elephants.” [Celebrity Smack Blog]