Jessica Biel, loving girlfriend of Justin Timberlake (yeah, they’re still dating for now), is starting to put some pressure on her man about getting more serious, which is clearly the best course their relationship could take at this time. According to an unnamed source,

“Jessica is desperate to settle down and have kids. And ideally she’d like it to be with Justin. She’s been at him for weeks about starting a family. Ideally she’d like to get married, too, but she’s told Justin she’ll happily settle for just a baby.”

I think when “ideally” you’d like to have your children with your current boyfriend and you have to be “at him for weeks,” then that’s a red flag.  And when you’d “happily settle for just a baby,” that’s an even bigger red flag.  You shouldn’t be bargaining with your partner for a child, and if you’re so desperate to have children while your partner really isn’t, then you need to consider options that don’t include harassing him until he impregnates you.  Do you understand these words, Jessica Biel?  Stop this.

Granted, this quote could be bogus, but looking back at this relationship, it seems pretty realistic.  Even if it’s not, you’re better than this, Jessica.  You were on 7th Heaven, and that makes you almost holy.  Don’t forget that.

Despite being hit on the head with a baseball bat Friday night, Bam is already out of the hospital and at home.  I guess when you get into everything that Bam does, you bounce back more easily than other people.  According to Steve-O, fellow Jackass star, he was in intensive care overnight, but he thinks “he’s gonna be ok.”  There’s still no word yet on what caused the fight in the first place.

You can look at pictures of Bam being attended to by EMTs here if you’re into that sort of thing, or you can watch Bam and his friends parody some Real Housewives. Hint:  go ahead and watch the parody, it’s pretty lovely.

Paris Hilton apparently wants nothing more than to meet and/or date Robert Pattinson.  She’s taken to her Twitter to discuss his hotness, and that’s cool, but according to an insider,

“Paris is doing everything in her power to talk to Rob. She usually always gets what she wants. She gets a bee in her bonnet about someone and goes hell for leather.”

While this insider sounds a lot like my grandmother, I still think Paris needs to check herself.  Doesn’t she know about the passionate, eternal love between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart?  Did no one tell her that you can’t touch a love so pure?  They are the last great lovers, and centuries from now, children will learn not of Romeo and Juliet or Cyrano and Roxanne, but of Robert and Kristen.  So you just step back and chew on that for a minute, Paris Hilton.  You don’t belong in this legend; your destiny lies elsewhere.

You know, something that isn’t an illegal substance.

Her father has said that we should be expecting a new album this winter, and when asked how she was going, he said that she is “absolutely fantastic.”

I think I’ll believe it when I see it, because at this point it seems like Amy is known more for her issues than for her music, which is a shame.  Remember that time she released her last album and won five Grammys?  Yeah, she’s got some talent.  Let’s just hope she hasn’t smoked it all away.

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy, frontman of Muse, have reportedly been dating for the past few weeks.  They’ve been doing their best to keep their new love a secret, but later this month at the Glastonbury Festival they plan on going public.  Are you not so excited for them?

Ok, I don’t really care about Kate Hudson or who she’s banging (though I respect that some people really do), but Muse?  I love me some Muse, and now I have this awful video playing in my head of Matt Bellamy tenderly and beautifully singing “Starlight” to Kate Hudson, who is an indistinct blonde blob of indifference.

And those secrets were children.

When Simon’s family went through his computer after his death, they found a series of emails from two different women who demanded child support from Monjack.  The family handed the computer over to the coroner, and after the emails were reviewed, it was found that Monjack had a son with one of the women and a daughter with the other.

The computer also showed that Monjack was wiring a lot of money – as much as $48,000 in a single transfer – to various lawyers, and to someone from a settlement of unknown origins.

There’s always been suspicions of Monjack being a little off, but this is absurd.  Do you think Brittany knew about the kids, or was this a secret that Monjack was hoping to keep all to his creepy self?