You know, I haven’t eaten yet this morning. And while I was scouring the internet for stuff to talk to you guys about, I came across this photo of Tom Brady in attendance at a Celtics-Lakers game earlier in the week. Though I haven’t put a thing in my mouth just yet, I threw up a little bit. In my mouth. I was going to make coffee; I just hadn’t yet. And I’m thankful. Because there’s nothing quite as bad as spitting up coffee-tinged bile on an empty stomach.

Anyway, Tom Bieber Brady and his ridick hair. Please, please don’t tell me that there’s actually anyone out there who digs it. Really. Unless you’re under the age of thirteen, you have positively no excuse to fawn all over Tom’s abomination of a hairstyle.

OK. Now that the storm has passed, I’m going to go and make some coffee. I think it’s safe, and the time is right.

He looks like some kind of low-brow serial killer, especially in the gallery photos. I had, like, the biggest “celebrity crush” on Tom a few years back, but now? Goddamn.

Guess this is what fatherhood — and being married to Gisele Bündchen does to some.

I cannot fucking wait until the new Eminem album is officially released so that I can talk to everybody about how fucking goddamn brilliant it is and you’ll be able to agree. Not that I’ve been listening to it over and over again for a week now or anything. It hasn’t been released yet — how would that be possible?

Seriously, though, y’all. It’s good. I have a special place in my heart for rap, and this album just blows everything else out of the water. And I’m actually someone who liked Relapse. In fact, I loved Relapse. I thought Relapse was the most emotionally intense album I’d heard since the early days of Tori Amos. I still listen to Relapse and feel like I’m living it with him. I listen to it and it feels like he’s plucking thoughts out of my own head and playing them back to me, amplified. It hurts to listen to that album.

It hurts more to listen to Recovery, because so much of the album focuses on Eminem’s recovery not only from drugs, but from the death of his best friend Proof. I’d go so far as to say the recovery referenced in the album title is as much about Proof’s death as it is about sobriety. But this is a journey of a man who was beat down on so many levels, beat down by a drug addiction, beat down by the death of his best friend, beat down by what he perceived to be the loss of the talent he’d come to use to define himself. “I’m back!” he announces at the tail end of the track “Talkin’ to Myself,” and he says the words in a playful way, not an angry way, and it means something. He’s not back and ready to knock some skulls. He’s back and he’s immensely grateful to be back, and it doesn’t mean he’s pulling any punches, but it does mean that he walked through every inch of the hell that was his life, he lost his connection to his genius when he lost the drugs that facilitated the connection, broadened it and sped it up, and then when he got that connection back, when he got it back, clean and sober, he was better than before.

He is a better rapper now than he has ever been before. He is a better rapper now than anyone out there on the scene. He has set the bar higher.

I can’t think of anyone who does anything as well as Eminem does rap. It’s like a spiritual experience to listen to an album like this, where every single word is so perfect, and a story is conveyed with such precision and creativity.

Recovery drops June 21 in the U.S. I suggest you get it. And then we’ll talk about it all day on here. HOORAY!

If you’ve somehow magically already heard the album (through some total legal means) and you want to chat with me about it, OMG I WANT TO CHAT WITH YOU ABOUT IT. Hit me up on my Twitter!!! LET’S TALK MARSHALL!!!

Jesse James has been fighting his ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, over their shared custody of their daughter Sunny for quite some time, but it looks like his efforts to keep his little girl away from his ex aren’t working anymore. Wow, it’s as if Jesse James has lost all credibility or something.

From RadarOnline:

After a session in closed chambers, Commissioner Thomas Schulte decided Janine would get interim visits until the next court hearing on July 12. He declined to say whether those would be monitored or not. However, when she left the court, Janine told RadarOnline.com that she was “happy” with the decision.

Lindemulder and James were at odds over the terms of her visits with Sunny. Janine wanted them to be unsupervised while Jesse preferred that the visits be monitored.

While I’d hope it’s not entirely true, it does seem like Jesse’s character being called into question in light of his cheating scandal and that Janine is being given a chance she doesn’t deserve. Jesse is absolutely right to keep his daughter away from her mother, who reportedly is completely and legitimately insane. Even though she and Jesse are no longer together, Sandra Bullock has said it’s important to her that his children stay in her life. Perhaps she’ll be able to provide some sort of support and balance for this little girl.

I already said that Danielle Staub is an unfit mother who should have her children taken away, but now I’m going to go ahead and say that this woman is so horrible that there’s not even room for her on reality television. On last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, we learned that Dina Manzo elected to leave the show mid-taping because she no longer could stomach the drama perpetuated by Danielle.

We also can’t forget that Dina’s daughter Lexi is no longer on the show and there are lots of rumors out there floating around that Danielle has something to do with it. With no main story line and a husband that refuses to participate in reality television, Dina’s plot line has now been reduced to talking about Danielle. If I thought Miss. D had two braincells in her head to rub together, I would give her credit for finagling that much screen time.

But she’s not smart. Danielle, in all of her desperate attempts to say relevant, is as transparent as any person could be. She is, from everything we know about her, quite possibly a sociopath. If it’s not bad business for Bravo to be doing business with a sociopath, then they should consider that her blatant manipulations (see: her sex tape) is bringing down the integrity of their entire franchise.

I am not interested in sitting through another season of Danielle Drama. I would rather watch the Manzo boys play the ham game for an hour than have the show infused with her deranged self-importance. It’s not even laughable anymore.

If there is one “celebrity” that makes my skin crawl, it’s that little goody two-shoes, stick-up-her-ass, wet blanket Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Not only does this woman give Republicans a bad name, but she’s inarticulate, passive-aggressive and generally childish. Exhibit A: Her reaction to Kathy Griffin on this morning’s episode of The View.

Now, it’s no secret that Kathy has dished on Elisabeth in her stand up and that the two have radically different political views, but while most people are able to put politics aside and see the humor in Kathy’s roast-like stand up act, Elisabeth just broke down. Throughout the entirety of Kathy’s interview, Elisabeth stayed silent only piping up to ask loaded questions about her stance on Obama and the state of the White House. At one point, Kathy is talking about the work she’s done to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and Elisabeth absentmindedly stares at her fingernails.  She also paused at one point to stretch and yawn. During an interview on a televised talk show. If that doesn’t qualify someone as a bitch, then I don’t know what does.

Toward the end of the second segment (check it out after the jump), Elisabeth tries to defend herself to Kathy, asking her if she’s uncomfortable being around the people that she’s bashed in her act. Kathy came back with a “I live for it, bitch!” and Elisabeth quickly backed down, but it was clear that she didn’t “get it”. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is her own worst enemy because she’s ignorant. She cannot see outside of her tiny world. In a way, we need someone as thick-headed as her on television to use an example of how dangerous stupidity can be.

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P. Diddy was recently talking to a U.K. talk show host about the odds of him having more children, and his reasons on wanting to wait before creating his seventh child are pretty funny if you ask me.

Diddy told Jonathan Ross, “I have six kids from three relationships. They don’t live together. Opportunity wasn’t really knocking at my door for marriage. I don’t condone having children out of wedlock but they were my circumstances and I’m a proud father and I take care of them. I’m involved in their lives and I take care of the mothers of my children and when the day comes I’ll get married. I’m not gonna have any more kids until I get married.” Hmmm. So odd that it took supporting six different children in several different homes in order for Puffy to come to terms with the fact that it might not be the best lifestyle for his kids or the best message to his young and impressionable fans.

And hey! As someone who’s a bastard child herself (yup), I have to say that I appreciate Puffy putting out the message that children born “out of wedlock” aren’t living in the ideal situation… but it’s not like he’s reformed from womanizing. Does Puffy mean that he’s not having more children or that he’s not impregnating any more women? Am I to believe that this guy isn’t still pulling in tons of ass and that he’s using protection with all of them? Yeah right.