Yeah, you read that right: “boo-boo.” Though I do admit that I wanted to type “boob-boob,” since Katy Perry and the word “boob” go together better than Doritos and milk, but you know. You just gotta love that word association thing.

Anyway, it sounds like Katy sustained some kind of injury while dancing at this past weekend’s MMVAs, and she had to go and get stitches for whatever happened. Like, seventeen of them. I hope they’re not on her face. Or worse, her boob. Could you imagine? Cripes. But maybe it wasn’t a dancing injury … maybe it was an injury as a result of, you know, sexual exploits with that bug-eyed toolbox, Brand (though I’d still probably sleep with him, too, maybe). Maybe she sliced herself on his razor-sharp nips or something. If you’ve ever been witness to any of Brand’s super-tight t-shirt-wearing days, you’d know that those things could really cut a bitch if not supervised properly.

Regardless, best wishes to Katy, and thank God for Twitter, huh? If it weren’t for CelebTweets, we’d never know when our, uh … favorite stars were injured, bleeding, sexing or otherwise dead.

I love Helen Mirren. And I know that she’s got a massive movie repertoire of fabulous roles and big-name productions, but you know what I remember her most for? Her best performance, in my opinion, to date? Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Remember that movie? Where Joey Potter Katie Holmes, the good girl, loses her V-card to that creepy close-eyed guy from whatever wholesome show used to be on, 7th Heaven or whatever, and they take the bitch teacher, Mrs. Tingle, hostage in her own home?

Crazy movie.

Mirren’s taking on another role, where she plays a Madam in Reno, Nevada, and her character’s supposed to be just as off-the-wall as Mrs. Tingle. Mirren recently sat with New York Magazine and bared her soul — and her boobies:

On being “notorious”:

“I am a little notorious… It’s weird when your life becomes vintage, like a period movie … I’m getting less notorious as I get older. People forget that I ever was.”

On being “the good girl who’d like to be a bad one”:

“It’s true! I haven’t grown out of that, have I?” she says, laughing. “I’m still the good girl who wants to be a bad girl. But I’ll never make it as a bad girl … I’m not a prude or a moralist and I never have been, but I’m too fearful, too much of a wimp, really.” When her husband tried to convince her to spend a night at the Mustang Ranch, Mirren refused. “I said, ‘Read my lips: I’m not going to spend a night in a brothel.’?” In the end, she dispensed with research and simply took direction. “It’s amazing how quickly you get into dildos everywhere and pink-feather handcuffs. Within an hour you’re completely used to it.”

Mirren on the younger generation:

“I’m thrilled young girls are claiming their sexuality for themselves … I love bold women: Madonna and Scarlett Johansson—sexy and gorgeous, but not only that. And Miley Cyrus—fantastic! And Lady Gaga. I love the way she’s elevated pop to performance art, or dragged performance art down to pop, or maybe made a wonderful amalgam of the two.” With her coy smile, Mirren looks like the conspiring queen who’s usurped the throne, securing the kingdom for her heirs: “My girls: Miley, Scarlett, Lady Gaga. My team … Yes.”

I’ll bet Dame Helen wouldn’t object to non-crotch shots of Miley Cyrus. She’d probably laugh and scoff and say, “That wasn’t a crotch shot back in my day … You wanna see a crotch shot? I’ll show you a crotch shot …”

And shortly thereafter, pandemonium ensues.

Critical reaction to what I have casually termed “The Greatest Musical Event of All Time” has been, shall we say, mixed. In general, reviews of Recovery have applauded Eminem’s lyrics but panned the production. I don’t even know what “production” means. And when I lived in LA I slept with a lot of dudes who worked “in production” and I don’t think they knew what it meant either, other than that it meant they were going to take my 21-year-old, 110-pound body to the studio where the “production” took place and then have sex with it.

What were we talking about again?

AH YES THIS ALBUM.

It’s fucking brilliant on like a bazillion levels. It is an album of recovery from the death of a best friend, lost suddenly and senselessly. It is an album of recovery from a near-fatal addiction to alcohol and drugs. Most importantly, it is an album of self-recovery, the internal monologue of a man realizing that his genius is enduring and inherent, that the genius was not built upon the drugs. It’s an emotional journey and Eminem captures every instant perfectly.

I’ll quote my long-ago ex-boyfriend’s recent Facebook status update:

3 Days into #Recovery by @Eminem. #Eminem, #Greatestrappertoeverlive, #bestrapalbumever, #everyoneelseintherapbusinesslooksfoolish

DEAD ON.

And this is the dude who seriously thought I was going to orgasm with him while Dave Matthews Band was invading my ears and my vagina. You’ve come a long way, baby.

Anyway. “Cinderella Man,” my fave, is up top, and “Seduction,” another fave, is after the jump.

(more…)

Lindsay Lohan and her team are still trying to narrow down what could have possibly activated her SCRAM anklet at the MTV Movie Awards a couple weeks ago. At first she and her mom claimed it was a spilled vodka and Red Bull. Now they’re saying that it might have been Lindsay’s constant intake of Kombucha, that nasty tea they sell at Whole Foods. It tastes like carbonated yeast.

Kombucha contains .05% alcohol. Nothing that would mess you up, exactly, but probably something someone who has a blood alcohol level monitoring device should stay away from. G.T. Dave, president and CEO of GTs Kombucha, made the following statement after hearing what Lohan and her team were saying about their drink:

Although we are not familiar with the technology or sensitivity of SCRAM bracelets, we think it would be highly unlikely that our products would trigger an alarm. After conversations with Whole Foods we share a concern around potential labeling issues related to slightly elevated levels in some Kombucha products. In order to ensure regulatory compliance, we are supporting Whole Foods Market with the temporary removal of all Kombucha products in bottles on tap from their stores at this time.

Ehhhh, maybe you guys should go after Listerine?

“Michael got burned, and he lifted that glittered glove so damn high so his fans could see him, because he was in the art of show business. That’s what we do. I don’t even drink water onstage in front of anybody, because I want them to focus on the fantasy of the music.”

-Lady Gaga on how she’s built her celebrity based off of Michael Jackson in the new Rolling Stone, which is required reading for any and all ballers out there.

It’s a sad day for all us Orly fans. Our handsome Legolas Greenleaf is officially engaged to his girlfriend of three years, Miranda Kerr. For almost two years now the engagement rumors have been circulating, but this time it’s for real.

In February of 2008, Miranda spoke to People about her possible future with Orlando and said the following:

“He’s a sweetheart and that’s all I’m gonna say. My ideal situation would be to live on a farm in a solar-powered house with a hammock and a vegetable patch. When this is all over, that’s where I’ll be. I’ve always wanted kids, so someday, eventually, yes, it will happen.”

Ugh. Well, I hope you two and your vegetable patch are happy.