Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The Tony Awards Red Carpet: THE DRESSES

Kristen Chenoweth at the Tony Awards Red Carpet

Hey, so the Tony Awards happened. The Tony Awards are like the Oscars but for old people. I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t the Oscars for old people now too?” The answer is yes. The Oscars were actually always for old people, but we didn’t understand that until they started broadcasting in HD. The Tony Awards are for older people. Older people who attend thee-ah-tah.

These people are too old to really be that mean to, except for Cate Blanchett, because she looks about mid-beamed by Scotty. But there also aren’t a lot of fashion risks, so pretty much everything is standard breath-taking. I guess I could make fun of Jada Pinkett-Smith’s dress, but, truth be told, I think she looks pretty stunning. (No, the photos aren’t labeled, because Jesus Christ do you people think I’m made of free time? but you can easily tell which one is Jada because she’s the black person at the Tonys.)*

Paula Abdul emerged from the dark, dark pillbox of her life to … I don’t know. I have no idea why she was at the Tonys. Did a Coke cup need to be pointed toward the camera?

Scarlett Johannson was a fucking goddamn knockout, showed up with husband Ryan Reynolds, and won the Tony for Best Actress in a Play. But that’s cool, yo, because Alanis Morrissette married the rapper dude who knocked her up, so, like, whatever, Scarlett, you can take your perfect goddamn life and fellate Dave Coulier with it in a movie theater.

Kristen Chenoweth: I want your dress and your voice and your shoes and your perfect, perfect eating disorder. HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL???

*I am going to get in trouble for saying this. There were other black people there, and some of them even won Tonys. Noting this earlier would not have made my joke funnier.

8 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I thought the Jada Pinkett-Smith joke was funny. And I'd be the first to point out if it wasn't. Also, I'd like to start making bets as to who Catherine Zeta Jones is going to marry once Michael Douglass either kicks the bucket or starts thinking it's 1956 all over again. I mean come on, he's either heavily sedated in those pictures or he's thisclose to being the crazy grandpa who doesn't remember you anymore. So sad.

  • Jada looks great. I'm generally not a huge fan of red and black as a color scheme but I think she pulls it off quite nicely. I was pretty surprised to see Beyonce, especially without an elaborate weave. That being said, homegirl really needs to get those roots touched up.

  • “Kristen Chenoweth: I want your dress and your voice and your shoes and your perfect, perfect eating disorder.”

    Yes, but you do not want the vein in the middle of her forehead. Although, I'd take the rest with the vein.

  • This post was sad. Did Beet really write it? It sounds more like one of her minions. Whoever wrote it, it was pathetic and off the mark all the way around.

  • Scarlett Johansson was the fucking devil playoff showing with Ryan Reynolds and her husband won the Tony for Best Actress in a Play. But it's cool, yo, dude like Alanis Morissette rapper who married her pregnant, as, whatever Scarlett, you can take a hell of a life full and Fell Dave Coulier with it at the cinema.
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