I see a blonde, bra-ed, Britney leaving a hair salon* in Beverly Hills sans boyfriend/former-employee Jason Trawick. And you know what? Though she’s smiling, and looking so much better than she did, say, two years ago (or even a year ago, when she was menstruating all over designer dresses), she doesn’t look well. I mean, check out the weave for one (and didn’t her hair grow back yet? For crying out loud). It’s totally disheveled and almost kinda matted on the one side. Matted! How horrible for her!

You know, there was this girl that used to live in an alleyway near my house when I was a kid, and there was something wrong with her. I’m not saying that to dig on this girl, I’m saying something was “wrong” because there was and no one knew what it was, so no one was able to identify it when she’d come up in conversation. Everyone just said, “something wrong.” She didn’t go to school. Like, at all. Not home school, not private school, not public school. And she didn’t talk, either. (At least to anyone within anyone’s earshot when they saw her in public with what most assumed to be her aunt or mom or something, who was equally as … uh, different.) She kind of grunted, really. And she didn’t look all that good, either, just on a health side of the house. She was my age, but looked as if she’d never seen the light of day — her face was so pale and bloodless, it was almost translucent. Really. If she didn’t look so ring-eyed sickly, God love her, her complexion would have been almost breathtakingly gorgeous. She had the brightest blue eyes (quite beautiful, actually) you’d ever see and a thick head of tangled, matted blonde hair. And I mean matted. Like, “hasn’t taken a brush or a comb or even fingers to the hair in twelve years” kind of matted. I know it was mean, but I didn’t know her name; she never spoke to me, or anyone else, but I’d call her “Mat-head” when referring to her. (You know, kind of like, “Hey, Mom, I saw Mat-head at the store today. She still didn’t get a haircut.” … and really, give me a break; I was literally, like, seven or eight years old.)

Anyway, when I saw these photos of Brit today, another ghost of my past ran barefoot through my head again. Where are you, Mat-head? Whatever happened to you?

*Uh, yes, you read that right. A hair salon.

Fantastic. You’re the kind of reader we appreciate around here.

We don’t have it. But it’s on Drunken Stepfather. IT IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Did you read that sentence carefully? YOU SHOULD NOT WATCH THIS IN AN OFFICE WHERE ANYONE — including bosses, small children, pets or old ladies — MIGHT WALK BY YOUR DESK. To be very, extra, super clear: It is a clip of Kendra Wilkinson giving a blow job. Watch it here.

A few comments:

1) Kendra’s original tits are adorable! She didn’t need a boob job. I think small, perky tits like that are so freakin’ cute, and I’m bitter that I got these giant honkers that can’t manage to look anything but hyper-sexual in a tank top. (To be fair — I liked them just fine when I was 18.)

2) This guy’s underwear is probably what inspired Borat’s look.

3) If I’m a hot piece of 18-year-old ass giving head to some gross hairy dude while he films it, and he can’t even get himself fully hard for the experience, I am leaving and I am taking the tape and my dignity with me.

If you’re as tired of logging on to Twitter only to see nothin’ but Bieber trending, you’re not alone. A web designer has created a browser tool that will spare you of any and all Bieber mentions.

From The Telegraph:

The Shaved Bieber application, which users can add to their browser by saving it as a bookmark, covers up all instances of the words “Justin Bieber” and “Bieber”, as well as any photos that include Bieber in their file names.

The tool is likely to prove particularly popular on Twitter, where the incessant tweeting of his teenage fans ensures that Bieber’s name is rarely absent from lists of trending topics, which reflect the most talked-about subjects on the site.

Shaved Bieber, which can also be downloaded as Firefox add-on, is the work of web designer Greg Leuch, a member of the Free Art and Technology online creative collective.

He has previously devised a plug-in that converts text from upper case to lower case, in reaction to the caps lock-heavy blog posts of rapper Kanye West.

Personally, I’m digging the Biebdawgs, but this kind of thing would be useful for all sorts of things. The Pratts, ex-boyfriends, a blogger you can’t stand (not me, of course.) Who would you use this kind of technology to wipe off your Interwebs?

It’s time again to play that slightly modified so it’s safe for work classic: Dump, Marry, Date. Category is Ladies Who Have Recently Unveiled Their New Millions of Milkshake Signature Shake and the rules of the game haven’t changed. You just have to pick which one of these ladies you would dump, which you would marry and which you would date.

For me the choice is clear: dump Blonsky ’cause she has a history of violence, date Sophie because she’d be decent to be seen with in public and marry Jackee because duh, she’s the shit.

Now what about you?

Celebrity Apprentice Rod Blagojevic is back to work. [Betty Confidential]

McLovin wants to bang Dina Lohan … I may hurl. [Celebslam]

Why bullfighting should be banned. I warn you; it’s extremely unsettling and graphic and gross. But I had to share, anyway. [popbytes]

If you could replace American Idol‘s Simon Cowell with any fictional character, who would it be? [Pajiba]

The Sun claims that there’s going to be some different, undeniably hot, vapid chick replacing Megan Fox in the new Transformers movie. I highly doubt it; Katie Cassidy is, like, the shit. [Celebitchy]

Chris Noth gets a little ass-grabby on the red carpet. [Amy Grindhouse]

Name that pink bikini-clad skinny ass. [CityRag]

Did Kim Kardashian have major Botox, or what? [Pop on the Pop]

Carol Bartz slams Michael Arrington, telling him to “fuck off” during a live, televised interview. [Zelda Lily]

Wanna watch the teaser for the latest Kylie Minogue video? [OMG Blog]

Aww, Lindsay Lohan’s court-monitored jewelry rears its tacky little head. [Celebrity Smack Blog]

My friend Jordan Rubin and I have been working our little (and I mean little) butts off on our podcast DotComBoom and this week we were able to score an interview with Grammy-winning producer Mark Ronson (brother of Samantha) and his homie Alex Greenwald, who you may know best as the lead singer of Phantom Planet.

We got to interview Mark in his hotel room at the super-swanky Chateau Marmont and Mark and Alex talked about everything from Mark’s recent work with Amy Winehouse (one of his BFFs) and both of their recent work with a majorly cute LA band called The Like (click that link if you’re not afraid of awesome music.) Mark also gave us a more-or-less unheard track that he made with Ghostface Killah for his upcoming album and homeboy actually sings on the track, the one thing we haven’t heard him do yet (read: You don’t have to listen to us talk the whole time, there’s lots of good music in there for you, too.)

You can listen to the podcast by clicking here or you can subscribe on iTunes and listen to us on the go.