The teenage-mom-ed Palin sits down with Harper’s Bazaar for their June issue and covers pretty much every topic from being a teenage mom, working full-time to support her two-person family and why, in fact, her two-person family isn’t a three-person family.

On Playgirl posing Levi Johnston and dating other guys:

“I just ignore it. He is a stranger to me,” she says, visibly rattled by the mention of Johnston’s name, though she refrains from saying more. “I don’t want to get into it. It’s just dirty laundry.” She is not seeing anyone at the moment: “I’m in no rush. One day I’ll find a nice guy.”

On her supposed lack of money to do, well … anything:

“I don’t ever have time for friends or anything like that,” she sighs. “It’s just like, ‘Right, crap, there is a hockey game tonight that I want to go to but I can’t.’ Or, ‘I do have to go to work today, because I’ve got bills to pay’.”

On finding out she was pregnant:

“It was kind of humiliating,” she sighs as she clears boxes of pizza and bowls of Doritos and Skittles. “Great, I’m 17 years old, I’m 40 pounds overweight with a big belly on me, all my friends are at school watching this on the news. This kind of sucks … I remember sitting on the couch with one of my best friends and Levi, and I just couldn’t spit it out. I was like, ‘Mom, Mom.’ I was bawling my eyes out. She was like, ‘What’s wrong?’ And I was like, ‘I’m pregnant.’ And she was like” — Bristol stops and mimics a gasp — “Oh my God. Holy crap. But once that part was over with and Tripp was here, it was just like, this baby is a blessing.”

On her maternal-ness and domesticity:

“I know I’ll be a hockey mom.”

On her future as a businesswoman:

“I want to pursue the opportunities I have now. I want to do public speaking and cause campaigning. I want to write a book.” (Before interviews, her mother advises, “Just smile, be positive, be confident.”)

And naturally, her non-predilection for President Obama’s administration and how things would be oh-so much better if her mom, Sarah Palin, had been voted in:

“I think he is making more Americans become dependent on government, and he’s acting like government can and should take care of everyone. That is completely contrary to what made America a great nation. We should be expected to take responsibility for ourselves.”

So, now that she’s a big girl and on her own, what do you think of Bristol Palin?

And she implores Chanel’s marketing department (through Twitter!) to hook a sister up with some high-class Chanel stickers so she can decorate her SCRAM bracelet. Stickers. Really. So classy, Linds. So, unbelievably classy.

First of all, how would you even want to go out clubbing wearing that damned thing? Embarrassing much? I mean, you know, shit happens and people all over the fucking world get in trouble for drug and alcohol-related infractions and a lot have to own up to their bad decisions, but most who take themselves seriously don’t laugh in the face of imminent doom and public demise.

It’s just a blatant mockery of the system. Going out and hitting up the clubs, even though you’re “not drinking,” is like spitting in the face of justice. You don’t see Joe Schmoe from down the block heading to the nearest pub while he’s rocking the SCRAM. Or maybe you do, and that’s why it’s supposed to be all levels of acceptable, but it’s kind of sad, actually.

So, yeah, Chanel. Here’s a photo of your girl’s SCRAM bracelet. Check it out, see what you can do, bedazzle it with some crazy high-class fucking adhesive paper. Placate the drug-addled alkie and send her some stickers. It’s the least you could do for such an icon, such a public and prominent face of our times.

Jaysus.

OK, so I realize that about 90% of this woman’s job is to show up and look flawless (the other 10% would be snaking around half-naked inside of a large glass) but for real… how does this woman do it? And don’t you dare say “it’s all hair and make up! We’d all look that good if we had the glam squad she does!” because no we wouldn’t. So I have to know, I just have to know what it is that makes her the physical manifestation of every human’s dream woman because I think my head will break in two if I continue to live ignorant.

Check out these photos of her shilling something called the Cointreaupolitan in Madrid today. Not one hair our of place, not one gangly eyelash. Nothing. I’d hate her if I didn’t want her secrets so badly.

We’re looking to amp the site up with some additional content and are seeking your expert input on topics that affect women everywhere these days, from laughable tampon commercials to heated courtroom battles over same-sex civil rights.

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I don’t know about y’all, but I love me some mother fuckin’ Olsen Twins. And I especially love that melancholy little fruitbat Mary Kate. She’s just the best, ya know? All wild but in a kind of calm way and rich and tiny! What’s not to love? Well, we haven’t seen much of The Twins lately, but Mary Kate was out in NYC today wearing what appears to be some sort of Gaga-inspired jacket with some dominatrix’s belt and some shoes that can’t be comfortable. And dare I say it? I think she put on those five pounds she needed a minute ago. She’s looking good. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for any Ashley updates.

Yesterday Jesse James’ former step mom sold him out and said that the childhood abuse Jesse spoke of in his Nightline interview was totally fictional. Today Janina James Coan further drags her ex-step son’s name through the mud by saying that Jesse’s just about as racist as they’re saying he is… or maybe a lot more.

Janina said:

“I heard him use the N word a bunch of times. I don’t know if I’d call Jesse a white supremacist or not but he’s definitely racist. He didn’t like Mexican people either. He always referred to them as wetbacks.”

Appalling if it’s true, but I have to say that I’ve been to Jesse’s restaurant in Long Beach next to West Coast Choppers (my BFF works across the street. Long Beach, what up!?!) and not only does Jesse pretty much only employ Hispanic people at his place, but they all speak very highly of him and the way he treats them. I’m not saying that I don’t believe the guy has it in him to be a racist, but I also know for a fact that he interacts with people every day that Janina is saying he supposedly dislikes.