Dear God. You might not be ready for this, but here goes: Real Housewife Countess LuAnn’s music video for “Money Can’t Buy You Class” has hit the webs and sweet Jesus! I’m stunned simply stunned.

First of all, LuAnn looks gorgeous. And not even for a drag queen. She just looks absolutely gorgeous and I need to give her that. But the weirdness? Yeah. She definitely brings all the weirdness we’re used to with her except in this video it’s on a level we’ve never seen. Between the seductive camera stares (she has two teenage children! I’d die if my mother took on a vanity project like this when I was 15!) and the groping up and feeling up of 20-something men, it’s a little much. And of course the traditional campiness that you’ve come to expect from a Real Housewives musical production is breaking records here as well.

I just hope that this is the final nail in her singing career’s coffin. I don’t want to go through another season of this show with LuAnn thinking she has a right to sing and put albums out. This just isn’t fair.

Emily told you earlier today that Gary Coleman was in critical condition after suffering from a brain hemorrhage. Sadly, Gary did not survive the trauma and he passed away just moments ago in a Utah hospital.

While Coleman rose to fame as Arnold Drummond in the 70s and 80s on “Diff’rent Strokes”, most of his time in the spotlight in his later years came from his domestic violence cases, his strange relationship with his wife and his anger management issues. Between his constant battles with both his health and his demons, it’s been a long and dramatic life for Gary Coleman.

I hope that he’s at peace and that his wife is dealing with this news OK.

After suffering from a brain hemorrhage on Wednesday, Coleman was taken to a local hospital, then was taken to another hospital for further testing.  Things were kind of shady for a couple days and the details weren’t really clear, but Coleman’s manager made a statement this morning.  He announced the brain hemorrhage, and he also said that Coleman is currently “unconscious and on life support.”

It really hasn’t been a good year for Gary Coleman.  He’s been arrested, he’s dealt with anger issues, and he’s already been in the hospital twice for seizures.  Dude obviously has some problems he needs to work out, and I hope he lives to do that.

Update [by editor]: Gary Coleman has passed away. RIP, buddy.

Her reps have confirmed that Alicia Keys is engaged and expecting with boyfriend/producer Swizz Beatz (while I just hope other stories surface in which I can type the name “Swizz Beatz”). This is their first child together, and Alicia’s first ever, so good on her.  There’s no word yet on when the kid is due, but they wedding will happen sometime later this year.  And no doubt Alicia will be absolutely stunning doing all of these things.

I’m not that familiar with Alicia Keys’ work.  I can remember including “Fallin’” in the private concerts I held in my room when I was like 13, and that was fun.  I can remember my closeted but flaming friend claiming that he was going to marry her in ninth grade, then teasing him about it when he finally came out about six years later.  But that’s about it.  I heard she won some Grammys, so I guess she’s kind of a big deal.  I guess when I listen to the radio, all I get is shit like Ke$ha, so I just don’t bother.

And it’s all because her Twitter got hacked. I’m so sick of these celebrities crowing that their privacy on SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORKS has been invaded — you posted photos of yourself naked on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or whatever. People are smart; they’re gonna figure out a way to get all up in your shit and if you have those incriminating photos on hand, oh snap. But you know what? At the end of the day, I don’t want to hear you bitching about it. You did it, own up to it and suck it up. Actions, consequences. Really.

I also get that some celebs like to accidentally leak their photos (hello NSFW Jamie Foxx … and damn, too), so if you’ve got the brass balls to do it, fucking own up to it! Honestly! I’d have more respect if you came out and said, “Yeah, I took them … and I released ‘em, too.” You know. Inquiring minds just want to know and everyone likes to see what celebrities look like in the buff. Duh.

So. Hayley Williams is the latest distraught celebrity that is crying because her tits made it live on the internet. Great. Own it, girl.

You can check out the uncensored and obviously NSFW photo here, and I know you will, so tell me what you think.

Read: Parasite Hilton.

She was supposedly asked to appear at this week’s USO event in New York City, “Swinging Salute to Our Troops,” but she only showed up because she thought the event was “Swingers in Support of Troops.” Mistake, anyone can make it, really, but she’s single now so all options are wide, wide open.

So … since she was already there, she decided to suck it up (no pun intended) and make the best of it, while hamming it up for cameras (real ones and imaginary ones, too, or maybe that’s just her wonk-eye throwing us all off) and servicemen.

[Take a moment to listen to the ambient noise of a dozen bored crickets.]

Come on. Even the guy to the right is thinking, ‘What the fuck is your problem, lady?’ Get off it, Paris. You’re so over. Go back to begging Doug Reinhardt to take your STD-swarming ass back. You might have more luck.

Check out the gallery for more photos of Paris making an ass out of herself.