Because it looks like it’s going to be her last stretch of freedom for a while.

When Lindsay Lohan missed her court date earlier this morning because she was having a good ol’ time at Cannes, the judge was not at all pleased.  She issued a warrant for Lindsay’s arrest and set her bail at $100,000, making the stipulation that she could post bail and remain out of jail until her hearing only if she refrained from drinking and agreed to weekly drug testing.  The judge also didn’t believe Lindsay’s excuse of losing her passport, saying that “actions speak louder than words.”  I think I am officially in love with this judge.

Lindsay’s judge isn’t the only one who is displeased with her behavior. Law enforcement told TMZ that when Lindsay’s flight lands, either the LAPD or the airport police will be waiting to take her into custody, and that sounds like a media event of epic proportions.

It’s obviously sad that someone could let her life get so out of control, but you know what usually helps people out in these situations?  Being held accountable for what they’ve done.  It’s kind of one of the twelve steps of AA, maybe Lindsay should have paid more attention.

You know, I’m actually getting kind of sick of hearing about the nocturnal activities that Courtney Love’s vagina participates in. Especially when they’re completely outlandish, like sleeping with Kate Moss.

Come on, Court. Kate Moss? Really? I know Moss probably doesn’t remember the majority of the nineties, and the fact that she’s a coke-blowing super-floozy doesn’t really help, but even the craziest, ho-iest of coke-blowing floozies have some standards, you know.

While that decade was a blur for both of these lovely ladies, Courtney claims that the affair had nothing to do with drugs, and had all to do with sheer, animalistic, uh, attraction:

“It’s a great story for the grandchildren, so yeah. Kate wasn’t doing a lot of drugs. It was just a thing that happened … It happened and it was fun and whatever. And she talks about it and so I hope she doesn’t get mad that I outed her about it. I feel like such a kiss and tell. Kate’s great though! Kate’s a good friend of mine. I almost bought her house in St John’s Wood, London.”

Love also states that it wasn’t her first partner-swapping experience, and that, at least, I believe.

Just … disappear into oblivion, Courtney. Please. Your act is getting totally desperate and isn’t getting you anywhere good anytime soon.

Our lady crazy, Tila Tequila, was in attendance at last night’s Maxim Hot 100 party last night in LA. As per normal, she was photographed on her back, flashing her lady bits and acting a fool.

How the hell does she even get invited to these things? Honestly. Maybe I should head out to Hollywood and flash my nether regions for all to see and maybe, just maybe the myth of Tila’s hypnotizing chocha can be debunked. Is it Tila-crotch that makes the world go ’round, or is it just grimy cooter in general?

More photos of Tila stopping, dropping and rolling in the gallery.

Okay, I might have to kill myself. Really. Ryan Gosling is like, my man. There’s a whole slew of male celebrities that I find to be uber-attractive, but Gosling tops the list. Then Adrien Brody, then Bear Grylls … the rest is just fluff.

Have you heard of the new movie, Blue Valentine? Cool fucking story. Gosling and Williams filmed this movie — no lie — last spring in the town in which I last lived, Honesdale, Pennsylvania. I remember hearing that Gosling was coming to town and was completely depressed that I wasn’t going to be around to see him or meet him or rape him, because I was moving, like, two weeks after they were to commence filming. The whole (tiny) town was abuzz — it was as if they’d never seen celebrities before, but that wasn’t true. An older movie, Wet, Hot, American Summer was filmed there, too, sometime back in 2001 or something.

Anyway, I was totally just getting off on the fact that I was sharing the same town as my mega-celeb crush, Ryan Gosling and it, to that point, was enough for me. I was ready to pack up and leave the little town behind me, sans-seeing Ryan Gosling and be okay with it. I’d made my peace.

However, the early, early morning I was set to embark upon my 5+ hour drive south, I had to go into town and gas up the old vehicle. Driving down a dark side street, I slowed to see some blockades illuminated by spotlights on one of the crossways. I bit my lip and said a quick prayer that they were, indeed, shooting some scenes for Blue Valentine. And guess what. They fucking were. I drove (verrrrry, verryyyy) slowly past the scene and caught my first-person glimpse of Ryan Gosling, and I’ll never forget it: he wore a flannel button-down shirt and dark pants, had about six weeks worth the growth of facial hair and wore a faded baseball cap. Though it was about 3 or 4 AM and still wicked dark, I had gotten my wish: to see Ryan Gosling in person. Lame, lame, I know. Whatever.

The movie, which premiered at the Cannes Film Festival this past week (the initial premiere was at the Sundance Festival back in January), was said to open to rave reviews. I totally want to see it, just because I used to live there. Oh, yeah, and because Ryan Gosling’s in it. The movie was said to be such a hit because the chemistry between the two main characters, played by Gosling and Michelle Williams, was thick enough to cut with a dull butter knife. The on-screen couple were also said to be quite cozy at Cannes, holding hands and … gulp … nuzzling. And People magazine is claiming rumors about love on the set to be true:

“You know actors who meet on movie sets,” [People's exclusive source] said. “It can be the most romantic place in the world.”

The most romantic place in the world. Honesdale, Pennsylvania. Where I briefly lived for three years. Forty miles east of my hometown of Scranton (yeah, home of The Office). See what happens? I fucking move away and Ryan Gosling falls in love in Honesdale, Pennsylvania. Why not me, God? Why not me?

Though John Travolta (56) and wife, Kelly Preston (47) are having a baby at their ripe old ages, American Idol judge Simon Cowell puts the kibosh to any possible rumors that he’d have children now, or ever. Cowell states that he’s far too old to consider being a papa — he’s 50 — and discusses the decision with Oprah:

“I… you know, I worry about that because of my age. You know, when I was younger, my dad used to play soccer and, you know, games with me and I worry – I worry that if I was 70. it worries me a bit.”

Simon, dude, I think you need to go have a talk with Rod Stewart — yes, the same preternaturally-preserved Rod Stewart that’s still bumping and grinding out kids. You seem like you’d be a super dad and I think you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Life happens, man. Don’t rule these things out so fast!

And on a related note, I watched American Idol last night. Normally, I’m a hardcore, die-hard fan, but this year kind of put me off. I was a big Didi Benami fan and once she was voted off, I kind of lost interest. Crystal Bowersox, man, I’ve never been a fan. Never. I think she’s a pretentious little snot that has no room to act so. Ever since Didi got the boot, I’ve been gunning big-time for Lee DeWyze, and not even because I “loooove” him, like many others do — it’s merely because I think he has the biggest chance of knocking the sparse remainder of Crystal’s teeth out Crystal out of the competition indefinitely and claiming the Idol crown for himself.

The show wasn’t bad, I guess. I wasn’t really digging Justin Bieber and gagged a bit when I saw that other greasy, grinding, dancing dude, Travis Garland, who was supposedly hand-picked for fame by hamfaced Perez Hilton (Hilton was said to get him the Idol gig). I might be a little bit older than Garland’s, uh, “target” audience, but man … it was fucking brutal.

I don’t know. I just wasn’t really all that impressed or blown away by anybody this season. It’s probably the reason that my viewing has become sporadic and disengaged — normally I’d know all of the back stories on the contestants by now and all the gossip about them, like, you know, Crystal playing craps with her teeth or Aaron Kelly brushing Casey James’ shiny blonde hair between rehearsals, but I really didn’t care all that much to delve too deeply this year.

But, whatevs. I’m hoping that Lee wins this year … but I’m not sure the Idol Curse is going to allow it. See, since the show started, like, forty years ago, every year the winner has been of a different gender — Kelly Clarkson was the first and it was boy-girl-boy-girl each year after. If the show is rigged history really does repeat itself, Crystal Bowersox will be this year’s American Idol. Ugh.

Yeah, and I’m totally trying out this year … So keep an eye out for me, bitches, and keep it peeled!

I don’t dislike Jill Zarin. She’s really upset me this season of Real Housewives of New York City with her immature behavior, but she’s I generally think she’s an alright chick. Apparently Lynn Spears, Britney’s mama, thinks the same thing. The two were seen out to dinner in NYC last night and a little birdie (I’m so sure it wasn’t Mrs. Zarin herself) spilled the beans to Fox News about their conversation:

“Jamie Lynn is looking at colleges. Jamie Lynn wants to go to college and Lynn needed some guidance. Jill and Lynn are friends and they end up talking a lot about what their daughters are up to. Jill’s daughter Ally is going away to school and Jill has been involved in the process every step of the way. Jill helped Ally write her application – she was hands on during the process.”

“Lynn knows that Jill helped Ally and she has very little experience in this area. Jill knows all about the applications and follow-up and Lynn needed an idea of what to expect with Jamie Lynn doing it.”

“Jamie Lynn is ready to continue her education. It was difficult being a young mom, but she’s doing it and she’s ready for a new challenge. College would be great for her – she’s very smart. Lynn is so supportive of all of her kids, and she would love to see Jamie Lynn earn a college degree.”

Well, that’s great that Jamie Lynn wants to go to school. Sincerely. And I think that Jill could probably help out Lynn in a lot of ways, as long as she doesn’t go to her for advice on how to mend a broken friendship. MmmMmm! Jill can’t offer any advice about that, can she? (I know you’re reading this, Jill. I saw on the show that you get Google Alerts for your name. I hope you know that you’ve handled things with Bethenny all wrong and you really just need to get over yourself. I’m saying that as a fan. I love Bobby, BTW. Great man.)