Better get on that shit, like, stat.

Jersey Shore‘s intent on having more tools than your neighborhood hardware store … and their ploy is a clever one.

The MTV producers responsible for trainwreck-dessert-show Jersey Shore are looking for the latest and greatest guidos and guidettes to take the shore by storm.  Insiders say that they’re looking to find the perfect roommates for the already-existing bunch of tools known as the cast of the Jersey Shore for this year’s filming season.

To be considered for the show, you must prove your greasiness in the following ways:

Killer shades, awesome hair, bandanas and bling can mean only one thing.  So if you’re a tanned and toned fist pumper, and you love the shore, we want to hear from you! Do you dominate the gym, tear up the dance floor and rule the bedroom? Prove it!

It’s summertime on the beach, baby!  Ready to creep and beat up the beat?

“Creep and beat up the beat.”  I think I kinda barfed in my lap for a second, there.

Ch-ch-check it.

MTV is a make-a-fool-outta-you-no-matter-what-your-ethnicity-really-is an equal-opportunity employer.

But with the exception of Jamie Kennedy, that’s all the poor girl ends up with.

JLH speaks recently to Ryan Seacrest about the trials and tribulations of being … le sigh … Jennifer Love Hewitt. Evidently, girlfriend’s been cheated on — alot:

“It’s brutal. Once I found out on television and that was awesome. And then another time I found them together … and that was, woooo!”

Hewitt states that she once actually caught an ex in a rather provocative position and says about it, “That was not good.” She also claims that she found a man was cheating on her simply by having “a feeling” and found out it was true through phone snooping evidence.

So, why did she and Kennedy break up, when it was clear that he had no other options aside from Hewitt? Who knows. Maybe it was the lack of adventure for Hewitt … no one likes when things get stagnant and shit, who likes being in a relationship where there isn’t constant drama and strife, duh. But have no fear — Kennedy won’t be lumped with the other philandering dudes that Jennifer’s dated:

“We are sort of opposites — I am sort of this gushy hopeless romantic and he is sort of this realist … So, he really taught me how to look at the reality of things like love whereas I had my head in the clouds before. He very much taught me some things and he taught me a lot about men and what they think.”

Snark aside, JLH has dated some pretty solid dudes — at least solid back in their heyday. Hewitt’s been linked to Joey Laurence, Will Friedle, Andrew Keegan, Carson Daly, Diego Serrano, Rich Cronin, Wilmer Valderrama, Patrick Wilson, Enrique Iglesias, John Mayer, Stephen Dorff, John Cusack, Kip Pardue, Will Estes, Ross McCall and most recently Jamie Kennedy.

Really, she’s dated a lot of pretty hot guys and not all of them seemed like players, so … what’s the deal?  Is she cursed or does she bring the drama herself?

Ohhhh, you guys, gossip doesn’t get much better than this.

Michael Lohan is engaged to Kate Major.

If that name sounds familiar, it’s because you’ve heard it before. Kate Major is the former Star reporter who had to quit her job after striking up a romantic relationship with Jon Gosselin. She’d be friends with Michael Lohan for awhile at that point — because what kind of Star reporter are you if you’re not buddy-buddy with Michael Lohan? — and I’m pretty sure she’s the reason Michael and Jon became friends. When Jon ditched out on Kate 2.0 to focus his attentions on Hayley Glassman, Major took up with Lohan. Are you following so far? Does it hurt?

Now, 49-year-old Michael is engaged to 27-year-old Kate (for those of you doing the math, this is four years older than Lindsay). The age difference? “It’s never been an issue,” says Kate. I believe her, because they’re both about 13 years old emotionally. And if you look at Kate’s face, you can tell that she’s gained about 20 years of stress (and 20 pounds of ugly) since the two hooked up, so I’d say we can call it even.

Michael even got permission from Kate’s father. “I’m very traditional, so I wanted him to talk to my father,” Major says. “Michael went down with me to Florida for Easter, to meet my father to ask for his permission, and my father gave his blessing.” Who the hell is your father? What kind of father gives his permission for his 27-year-old daughter to marry the balding spawn of Satan? Maybe it’s the same kind of father who would sell secretly recorded phone conversations of his daughter crying hysterically to Radar. Repeatedly.

FORTUNATELY, Michael Lohan may have the chance to do fatherhood right, because he and Kate want kids, and soon. “That’s one of the things I spoke to her dad about. I’m not getting any younger and Kate wants to have children,” he says.

Ohhhhh. Mah. Gawd. There is no hope for this world if Michael Lohan is allowed to procreate again. Please please please God, let this man be infertile. The Father of the Year award will find another recipient, I promise.

Super-amazing-adorable power-couple Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have called it quits on their five-year union.

My first reaction to the news was, “What? Fuck, this is way late for an April Fools’ gag and it’s not even all that chuckalicious to begin with” and then I saw that both parties Tweeted the news. I’ve found out the hard way, if it’s on Twitter, it’s gotta be true:

Carrey’s Twitter: Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

McCarthy’s Twitter: Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

What happened?! This, from the couple who publicly swapped bathing suits on the beach?

Does anything good ever last?!

So, Kate Gosselin danced to Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the latest Dancing With the Stars (and damn, sorry, I must have missed the memo on Gosselin being a “star” somewhere along the line).

If you missed the performance, I’ve taken the liberty to verbally reenact it for you: Kate stumped clumsily around the floor looking pissed and constipated and in the words of the judges, the entire presentation was … “odd.” Enough said.

Granted, the woman can dance a shade better than I can ever claim to — and if you know me in person, you’ll know that’s not a compliment — but I think the entire thing kind of came across as presumptuous, pompous and awkward.

I didn’t even know those three adjectives could fit together in a coherent sentence properly … but that was before I watched this vid.

Thoughts?

… Over probably the most important part of this entire affair ordeal. Bullock speaks exclusively to People magazine — like, today — regarding the up-and-coming rumors that she starred alongside estranged husband, Jesse James, in a homemade sex tape:

“There is no sex tape … There never has been one and there never will be one.”

While it’s rumored that James’ sex-tally is up to twelve mistresses (And what the fuck is wrong with people nowadays, really … One is bad, but fucking twelve?!), some women are now coming forward to claim that there’s a long history of sex-tape filled escapades featuring the man, the myth, Jesse “Adolph” James.

I think it’s super-classy that Bullock’s kept her mouth closed this entire time — and not in a meek, ‘I’m-gonna-forget-about-this-whole-shebang-in-three-months-anyway-so-let-me-leave-in-peace-for-Sweden’ kind of way — and it’s evident that she means business.

Mess with the woman, you’re fucked … mess with her sexual reputation? Dude, it is so on.