Twilight star and girlfriend of every middle-aged mom’s wet dream, Robert Pattinson, turns twenty today.

Amazing that this talented actress is only just two decades old and has been in the business for more than half of that time.

So, in light of the birthday girl’s special day, let’s review the highlights of her career on the very day she slithered screaming from her mother’s nether regions, shall we?

–She was locked in a fail-safe room with crazy-lady Jodie Foster in one of her first movies.

–She scared the fuck out of me with that creepy-assed movie, The Messengers. And don’t lie: it scared you, too.

–Kristen dated that creepy kid that starred in Almost Famous who never seemed to age from the waist up.

–Stewart was in Sean Penn’s adaption of Into the Wild, but I didn’t know that until I heard it blaring from the living room late one night. My television decided to turn itself on that evening. See previous accolade regarding The Messengers.

–She was caught toking it up right in public. If that doesn’t say, “Who gives a fuck”, nothing does.

–She garnered super-stardom fame from the Twilight franchise and has been a household name ever since, going on to act in the biopic of The Runaways.

–Again, girlfriend’s dating Robert Pattinson … we think — and that’s just about the height of awesome even if admitting that does make me sound like a forty-something soccer mom or worse, a ten year-old screamer.

I bend to your supreme awesomeness, Kristen, and wish you many happy years ahead. I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing quite a bit of you in the future one way or another.

I mean, she went from a man with Hollywood’s widest nose to a man with Hollywood’s narrowest nose in, what, like three seconds flat? She might not be able to sing a note without the beauty of auto-tune, but her personal flair for guys has quite a range at any rate.

Lavigne filed for divorce from Deryck Whibley (who is — was, whichever — the lead singer of Sum 41) back in October and she’s already been linked to two or three different guys since then. I guess that’s part of the whole pink-princess “rock and roll” edge that she’s got to her, mmhmm?

Her latest confirmed sexual conquest is none other than Brody Jenner. The two allegedly started dating earlier this year, but despite that fact, she was spied getting cozy with her ex-husband, Whibley, recently. And alas, our very own grubby love triangle emerged in Hollywood this past week partying it up. Together. The three were said to have reserved a private VIP table at the W Hotel and later left in a car. Again, together. Later on the odd trio was said to grab a bit of an early breakfast at an all-night diner. The three did not leave together this time, however — Whibley was said to make a quick exit, while the other two lingered lovingly over red hot Formica and muddy coffee.

Um, say it with me: “Eewwwuh.”

I know I was waiting up all last night with bated breath just in anticipation of watching it … weren’t you?

The latest trailer for the Sex and the City sequel hits the internet in a flurry with cameo appearances from Miley Cyrus, Penelope Cruz and the timeless Liza Minelli.

Sex and the City 2 drops next month.

I’ll be honest: I’ve only ever seen about three episodes of the show and didn’t even see the first movie, but this trailer’s got me kind of intrigued, on the real.

So, are there any hardcore SATC fans out there, and if so, could I just hop into this movie’s plot without really having a whole lot of background information?

I’d always said that I’d never buy into anything so campy, but I caved, bent and broke when I bought the Bridget Jones movies, so I guess all bets are off at this point.

And by that, I mean he’s got no problems hitting women and all the problems in the world with gay men kissing.

Connery and his wife were spied upon during the latest “Dressed to Kilt” Charity Fashion Show in NYC.  Much to Connery’s chagrin, there were homosexual couples in attendance — on the catwalk — and his alleged reaction to the men kissing said it all:  a sidelong look to his wife as if to say “Oh, my God.”

Man, if that’s not old-school, nothing is. Who bats an eye at a same-sex couple swapping spit nowadays, anyway?

The old Bond is no stranger to society’s ills, however.  In a 1965 interview with Playboy, he spoke about domestic violence:

“I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong about hitting a woman … If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I’d do it.”

And yes, in case you’re wondering, that is his wife, looking like she was whacked several times — with the blunt end of the fugly club. You wouldn’t think that he’d have a problem with a man kissing a man, since that’s probably what it’s like when he’s bumping uglies with his lady, anyway.

I’m kidding.  That’s not nice.  I know that if you were to sit here and make fun of my great-grandmother’s shriveled appearance, I’d be pretty pissed, too. The elderly are off-limits when it comes to physical mockery, even if they do look like the male version of themselves.

Before you know it, she’ll be the one picking the douche up from rehab and going home with him to enjoy a home-cooked meal.

God, I hope not and shudder to even consider the thought.

Yep, James is back in rehab, more to salvage his reputation than for actual sex-therapy purposes, even though he checked out earlier this past week after only being there for mere hours.

Sandra was photographed with Jesse’s two girls this morning, and no one looked all that happy about it, either.

Sources close to the estranged couple state:

“It’s a positive sign about Sandra’s relationship with Jesse.”

I just hope that Sandra’s closeness with the children has more to do with her feelings for them rather than trying to help James out while he’s in the porky.

This might be the best FOD skit I’ve seen yet — with the exception of Lindsay Lohan’s self-deprecating debut, naturally.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green starred in Funny Or Die’s latest installment, speaking out against the massive education budget cuts occurring in California.  The best part of the video?  Probably Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “delegate.”  Dude’s funny. Either that, or the little girl who so-openly discusses her head lice.  Totally classic.

Enjoy!