TEAM VIENNA!

Omigod, you guys, I damn near died tonight when Jake actually proposed to Vienna. I mean, obviously he wasn’t going to pick Tenley, because you know that girl handles a cock like it’s a bomb that could explode at any minute (in fairness, there’s truth to that), but I didn’t ever in a million years think he would actually get out a ring for Vienna. Vienna! I love that a sexpot raised in a shack in Florida, sporting hair extensions that come cheaper than the cucumber I bought for my salad tonight, actually won out over Pretty Pretty Princess Tenley. I knew it was over for Tenley the minute she danced for him during her hometown visit and she was all like “I’m so glad you share my passion for dance” on national television and you could actually see a little part of Jake’s nutsack die. But I just didn’t think he’d actually freakin’ propose to a Vienna. I LOVE IT. It’s a new era in romance, people! It’s the VIENNA ERA. (Not to be confused with the “Vienna area,” which is slang for vagina.)

ANYWAY. As if the whole thing where Ali peaces out in the middle of the show because she had to choose between her “career” and love weren’t contrived enough to begin with, now I’m absolutely certain the producers made the whole thing up, because she’s officially the next Bachelorette. Because Tenley can’t do it, because she has the personality of the cucumber I bought for my salad tonight, which also costs more than Vienna’s hair extensions (are you following?). And Gia can’t do it, because the producers aren’t entirely convinced that her mouth will retain motion and sensation for another full season of taping. So it had to be Ali. So they probably just had her make up that whole “I can’t possibly leave my high-falutin’ career as a junior ad sales flunkie to be on national television” thing so that they could put her on The Bachelorette.

Well. Good for you, Ali. I’d rather see Rozlyn do it, but that’s just because I wanted to watch the mounting tension between her and Chris Harrison every week, and possibly the on-camera murder scene.

Katie Holmes might be working on baby number two with husband Tom Cruise. One sure fire sign is that Katie’s been going to extra auditing sessions at Scientology’s Celebrity Center in Los Angeles. Maybe she just has an unusually high thetan level, but those who know Katie say that this is exactly what she was doing when trying to get knocked up with Suri.

From the NY Post:

Last week, she spent more than four hours there. A source told Page Six, “This is exactly what happened just before she got pregnant with Suri. Tom has made no secret of the fact that he would like another baby. It is almost as if she is being prepared for it.”

Scientologists believe the “health and the sanity of the child begin long before birth,” according to a church-run Web site, which campaigns for silent birth. A rep for Holmes didn’t return e-mails.

If it is true, I’m sure the baby will be adorable…?

I don’t know what to say. I’m trying not to judge.

Image Courtesy of celebrity-gossip.net

Lindsay Lohan is so mental and it’s the best. Today we’re graced with these photos of her tossing a Red Bull on some paparazzi as she leaves a fashion show in Milan. Yup. Bitch is in Milan, going to Roberto Cavalli fashion shows and tossin’ liquid crack at the photographers who keep her ass relevant. I gotta say, I don’t know what we’d do without this chick.

Things between Kevin Jonas and his new wife aren’t going so great. According to DigitalSpy.com, Kev and his lady, Danielle Deleasa, spent Valentine’s Day fighting in the grocery store. Pretty typical stuff for young couples trying to figure it all out if you ask me, but on Valentine’s Day? Yeesh.

According to a source, Kevin and Danielle were at a Gelson’s market in Los Angeles when customers overheard Danielle berating Kevin for taking her grocery shopping on Valentine’s Day. Kevin reportedly looked quite uncomfortable as he stood there getting chewed out by his wife in front of random strangers.

I think we should cut the kids some slack. They’re young as hell and they’re newlyweds. If we learned anything from Nick and Jessica, it’s that that shit ain’t so easy. There is something that Danielle should consider, though. She doesn’t have the luxury of being just anyone’s frustrated young wife. She’s Kevin Jonas’ frustrated young wife. If the two of them fight in public, it’s getting reported to a tabloid. Perhaps this will be a lesson to Mrs. Jonas to keep her mouth shut until they’re behind closed doors.

P.S. Kevin Jonas is gay, right?

“Anybody who has a relative or child in substance abuse has some idea of what this feels like. This is one of those worst-case scenarios. It will ultimately be a painful lesson and very expensive as far as time is concerned. I don’t wish it on anybody, but then, you know, look, everybody’s got difficult things in life.”

- Michael Douglas talking to People Magazine about his son Cameron’s battle with drugs.

Lady Gaga was on hand yesterday for the launch of her very own MAC lipstick called, of course, “Gaga”. Luckily the pinkish-neutral shade made her lips stand out despite the fact that literally her entire body was covered in some sort of lacey crap. If that’s not an endorsement for a powerful lipstick, I don’t know what is. I’m tempted to go try on the shade myself.