…because there are just so many to choose from. Katie Price, whose fame still confuses me a couple years after she first made her way on to my radar, was out in LA today getting some botox. Usually stars have the decency to keep their augmentations on the low, but not Katie. She parked her whip right in front of the doctor’s office and rolled on in. Can’t hate a woman for being honest, but the fur I can hate. And the bleach-blond Cory Feldman lookalike with the hard nipples that she’s toting around with her. I hate his presence as well.

I MEAN HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BARBIE????

Oh, wait.

Shut up, stupid magazine.

A-ha! I’ve been waiting for this to be cleared up. On the last episode of this season’s Bachelor, when Jake told Tenley, “We just don’t have physical chemistry. I mean, I’m not talking about sexual chemistry, I mean physical chemistry.” And Tenley looked at him like “What the fuck is the difference?” and I looked at the TV like “What the fuck is the difference?” I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Tenley’s sexual modus operandi is to lie on her back, close her eyes, and dream of Disney characters until the whole thing’s over, whereas Vienna probably keeps condoms tucked in the heels of her shoes. (I kid, I kid. Vienna’s never even heard of a condom.)

Jake opted to clear it up during a recent visit to my nemesis Jimmy Kimmel.

“Ok, I’ll come clean: Physical and sexual chemistry are the same thing,” he said on the show. He said that he used the word “physical” instead of “sexual” because he “was trying to take the high road and be nice. I didn’t want to crush her because she is such a wonderful person.”

Jake continues to deny reports that he “cheated” on Vienna with ex-girlfriend Tanya Douglas, who’s claiming that Jake called her following the finale and said he was coming back to her. He said in a recent statement: “It is unfortunate that people such as this are trying to financially capitalize on or disparage my incredible relationship with Vienna. I only wish everyone could be as happy for us as we are happy together.” And, yeah, I agree with Jake. This chick is jealous and trying to make a buck. IGNORED.

JAKE AND VIENNA 4-EVA!!!

Well, well, well. Look who’s suddenly Little Miss Hollywood! Kate Gosselin walked the red carpet for the premiere Of Discovery Channel’s Life on Thursday night, along with her new DWTS partner, Tony Dovolani. I gotta say, she’s not exactly a red carpet natural, but her hair is much improved, at least. The new ‘do is kind of of a mix between an old-school pin-up and, well, Kate Gosselin.

I know what you’re all asking: Who’s watching the kids? Because, I mean, if Kate’s playing dress-up in Manhattan, and Jon’s balls deep in a bathtub of meth and hookers, who’s going to actively resent all eight of those children? (Answer: Their nannies! Duh! That was a gimme, you guys.)

But Kate says she’ll still have plenty of quality time with her little ones:

“I’m commuting back and forth every week,” she says. “So, I’ll go like Sunday to Tuesday or early Wednesday morning and then go home.”

Her partner Tony will be training with her in Pennsylvania the remaining days. Apparently Tony’s wife and kids live in Connecticut, so the schedule works out well for him as well. “I get to see my kids too, this is actually going to work out really well,” he said.

And as for her on-stage looks? She probably won’t be sharing wardrobe with Pam Anderson:

“My rule of thumb is that I have to have my kids proud of me,” Kate says. “So, that’s what you’re going to see.”

And what’s her loser ex-husband up to these days? I have no idea, but how much do you want to bet that Celebrity Fit Club is BEGGING him to come on next season?

WHEN ARE THESE TWO GOING TO BREAK UP?? It’s so unhealthy, how she’s so much older than he is, and they’re both really rich and famous and attractive, and yet they appear to be totally committed to one another and happy. YEAR AFTER YEAR. This insanity must stop. It’s making me uncomfortable. Almost as uncomfortable as Demi looks at this event. Don’t get me wrong — she’s still strikingly gorgeous — but she just looks like “Oh dear Lord why do I have to be here? I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Demi and Ashton made a red-carpet appearance at pre-Oscar benefit gala in Beverly Hills on Thursday night. Also there: Nicky Hilton, Camilla “Eyebrows” Belle, Lydia “Hearst”-Shaw, AnnaLynne McCord, Molly Sims, Olivia Munn (would someone please explain to me why she’s considered attractive? I think she looks like an olive.) and the ever-starving Rachel Zoe, whose oversized please-don’t-look-at-all-my-fat personal style is getting real old, real fast.

Meaning, of course, that they are somewhat awful. A track from the the Joan Jett biopic that the girls star in, The Runaways, has been released and doesn’t do much to make you want to see the movie. In fact, I’d say that this track makes me much less excited to check out the film. I wrongly assumed that they wouldn’t actually be singing much like they’re not actually playing instruments. Bummer.