Just when you thought the Lohan clan couldn’t get any worse, Michael Lohan goes ahead and outdoes his own previous attempts to solidify the public’s notion that he’s bat-shit crazy.

Erin Muller, the woman who Lohan allegedly kicked in the crotch, claims that Lohan placed a GPS tracking device on the “undercarriage” of her car and used the device to stalk her — everywhere she went.

The estranged couple is not foreign to public drama and sue-crazy tactics; Michael attempted to sue Muller for defamation of character and Muller allegedly retaliated by crying physical abuse. Muller is now speaking with attorneys regarding her rights as a private citizen and exploring her (newest) options for litigation.

This guy (not unlike the rest of his dysfunctional family) is a total douchenozzle. Someone needs to stick something in or around Lohan’s undercarriage, like, yesterday, but I can’t imagine anyone truly wanting to get close enough to do it.

So hard to say goodbye..to some at least.

The previous episode left us in turmoil, with Kate’s explosion and departure. She claims “her work here is done”… but is it, viewers? I ask you to weigh in.

With Kate gone, the girls debate about “them laws” and whether or not any of them (cough: Annie) have grounds to press charges. Amber gets her own justice on what remains of Kate…her clothes. What she doesn’t adopt into her own wardrobe, she defiles with cheap lotion and then joyfully smashes Kate’s living room portrait. Sweet, sweet revenge! I for one must say, DING DONG! The witch is dead!

The Ambers decide they’ve had just about all they can take of non-Amber company and announce their last night at the house. Meanwhile, Annie calls in an assault charge against Kate and the cops agree to come take a report.

Later that evening, the house prepares for the air sex finals with Chris Trew. You’ll remember him as that creepy guy who seemingly bruised Mother Nature herself via his loaded thrust on the taping of the first ever Amber Show. Although most of the good parts were censored, I could tell our girls had a great time! Especially Annie, whose competitive side revved into high gear and gave the audience quite the show. Amber and Lexie follow suit, or agreed to compete as a team in spirit, and give their best tag-team attempt. And although it was proclaimed that Amber’s hips moved faster than light, Annie is pronounced victorious. I call SCANDAL! RECOUNT! BLASPHEMY! Because Amber and Lexie put the whole contest to shame!

(more…)

Man, this was such a weird story. Remember when some dude was trying to sell pictures of Cindy Crawford’s 7-year-old daughter bound to a chair and gagged? (It was part of a game of Cops & Robbers.) Every single news outlet he approached passed on the photos because there is apparently still a shred of dignity in celebrity journalism. Then he tried repeatedly to get money out of Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber in exchange for the return of the photos. You can read our full story on it here.

Anyway, the gross dude, Edis Kayalar, an aspiring model, was sentenced to two years behind bars by a German court.

In a statement Wednesday, Crawford and Gerber said, “We want to express our gratitude to the FBI, the U.S. District Attorney’s Office in Los Angeles and the German law-enforcement authorities for their coordination and efforts in this case.”

Kayalar, an aspiring German model, was charged with one count of extortion in U.S. District Court in November and surrendered to German authorities one week later. His case was tried overseas because Germany does not extradite its nationals.

Ew, I’m glad this grossness is over. Good riddance to you, jackass. The sad thing is that you’re kind of hot, and I’d probably be happy if you hit on me in a bar, until someone came over and was like, “Hey, uh, Beet? You know that’s the guy who tried to blackmail Cindy Crawford with pictures of her 7-year-old daughter bound and gagged? You know that, right?” And suddenly you would be NOT AT ALL HOT.

Peddling photos of pre-pubescent children in bondage acts = getting laid by a fellow adult FAIL

I ranted yesterday about how Lindsay Lohan filed a frivolous lawsuit against E-Trade claiming that the “milk-a-holic” named Lindsay in their Super Bowl commercial was based on her.

Since news of the lawsuit broke, Lindsay herself has had no comment. (And she also doesn’t have a publicist anymore.) The closest thing Lindsay’s come to making a public statement since yesterday is musing on her Twitter about the symptoms of swine flu. She’s in Paris enjoying Fashion Week, drunk (on milk, ‘natch).

So then who’s filing the lawsuit? Gawker makes the compelling case that her father and possibly mother are the ones filing the suit:

But the strange thing about the suit is that the lead attorney on the case, Stephanie Ovadia, has done legal work for Michael Lohan in the past, and Michael has repeatedly posted fulsome praise of Ovadia’s legal skills to his Twitter feed as recently as January. Last we checked, Michael was still in the midst of his famous feud with Lindsay—just last week, father and daughter were lobbing tabloid insults at one another, with Lindsay saying she didn’t speak to Michael and calling him “nuts.” So why would she seek out her dad’s lawyer just a few days later to file a $100 million lawsuit?

And her mother, Dina Lohan, gave this interview to the NY Post today:

The “Mean Girls” star was left sobbing uncontrollably when she saw an E-Trade ad on Super Bowl Sunday about a ditsy, boyfriend-stealing infant named Lindsay she believed was created in her likeness, her irate mom told The Post yesterday.

“She said, ‘Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?’ ” Dina Lohan said of a tearful phone call with her 23-year-old daughter after the big game. …

“I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said of the “horrible” and “mean” ad.

MEANWHILE, Esquire has the original script of the ad, where the “milk-a-holic,” originally referred to as a “skank,” was named Deborah.

In September, her name was changed to Lindsay, and she was a “bimbus.”

Apparently it was a last-minute decision by E-Trade to go with the less-aggressive “milk-a-holic.”

E-Trade rejected Grey’s preferred nickname — “flank-steak woman” — just three days after the name Lindsay appeared, opting instead for the tamer “milk-a-holic.” Three months later, in the lead-up to the Super Bowl, [Grey's chief creative officer, Tor] Myhren actually still had concerns that E-Trade was being too tame in limiting his punch line. “We’re locked in,” he told me on January 8, “on everything except the very, very last word. It was something really aggressive but I thought hilarious. The girlfriend pops her head in and says, ‘Say it to my milk-a-holic face!’ I think it would have become a catchphrase, but E-Trade felt it was too aggressive. Provisionally, we have her saying ‘Milk-a-what?’ which doesn’t quite have the edge. I think it falls flat, but I hope I’m wrong.”

FASCINATING STUFF, but it all points to the frivolity of this lawsuit and the very real likelihood that Lindsay’s crazy-ass, money-grubbing parents are behind this, because their own paychecks have dried up now that their cash cow daughter can’t stay sober long enough to make any real money.

Oh, and a behind-the-scenes look at the E-Trade campaign is above. SO CUTE. Also: How much is all this publicity worth to E-Trade? Probably not $100M, but my guess is they’re enjoying this quite a bit.

I’m not going to give my speech again. You know, my don’t-do-drugs speech that I give every time we write about a celebrity overdose. But, ya know, don’t do drugs. And if you find yourself doing drugs and you find you can’t stop, ask for help.

Corey Haim didn’t think he had a problem, but his best friend Corey Feldman did. In fact, Feldman refused to film another season of The Two Coreys with Haim until he addressed his addiction. Haim wouldn’t do that. Here’s what Corey Feldman had to say about this loss:

I was awakened at 8:30 this morning by my brother and sister knocking on my bedroom door. They informed me of the loss of my brother Corey Haim. My eyes weren’t even open all the way when the tears started streaming down my face. I am so sorry for Corey, his mother Judy, his family, my family, all of our fans, and of course my son who I will have to find a way to explain this to when he gets home from school. This is a tragic loss of a wonderful, beautiful, tormented soul, who will always be my brother, family, and best friend. We must all take this as a lesson in how we treat the people we share this world with while they are still here to make a difference. Please respect our families as we struggle and grieve through this difficult time. I hope the art Corey has left behind will be remembered as the passion of that for which he truly lived.

Corey Feldman
“The Two Coreys”

Also weighing in: Producer Nathan Folks, a close friend of Haim:

Corey was a great person that struggled with being a past child actor. The pressure this town has on people to make it is very intense and Corey struggled with drugs all of his life. He was obsessed with vicodin and pain killers. When he came to my house, that was all he wanted.

He worked really hard to overcome his addiction to illegal drugs and was very anti-drugs and was in AA and NA for years which really saddens me. But it seemed like he turned to prescription drugs instead.

I was considering him for one of my next films; he was definitely ready for a comeback. It’s really a shame, he was true victim of this town.

Corey has an adorable mother who must be in shock. She went through a lot with him and to see his legacy end like this must be painful for her.

Heeeeeeeeeey guys just a heads-up that prescription drugs are every bit as lethal — especially for an addict — as street drugs. And I’m pretty sure AA and NA both make that clear, and I’m pretty sure Corey Haim knew it. So let’s just be clear on that — Corey Haim knew the choices he was making spelled doom. I’ve never heard of a drug counselor being like “You’re in the clear with the vicodin as long as you stay away from the cocaine.” Ummm no.

Alyssa Milano, who dated Haim when they were teenagers, tweeted this: “Just woke up to the sad, sad news that Corey Haim passed away. RIP sweet boy.”

Fellow ’80s actor Ralph Macchio wrote on his Twitter, “Always so sad and disturbing when the addiction and demons prevail. RIP Corey Haim.”

Todd Bridges, who has also battled drug addiction after coming to fame as a child star in the ’80s, released a lengthy statement about Haim’s passing: “Corey Haim was a good friend of mine and he will be missed. Too many people are dying way too young and it’s sad because of the loved ones who are left behind to understand what happened and to feel the loss. I hope he’s in a better place. I will always love my Brother, and I will never judge him. I understand his pain, but I also know now there is a way out. I hope anyone who is dealing with the same stuff gets out before it’s too late. Don’t let the death of others fool you into thinking that it cannot happen to you. If you play with fire, you will get burned.”

Leif Garret, who worked with Haim in “Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star,” released a statement: “This just goes to show that whether it’s street drugs or a prescription from the doctor, that all drugs are dangerous — as we saw with my friend, Heath, as well. No matter what form, it’s not to be taken lightly. Some people are lucky enough to finish the race and others crash and burn. I do not wish this horrible disease of addiction on anybody. I send all my condolences and love to Corey’s family. May he rest in peace.”

This is so, so sad, and I’m just beyond bummed that we’ve lost yet another life to the brutal disease of addiction. Please, please remember that there is help, for the addict and for the family struggling with a loved one’s addiction. The only light of hope I see in these deaths is that they may encourage someone else to seek help for their own addiction and prevent yet another family from enduring this heartbreak.

Howard Stern had a pretty brutal take on it earlier this week, calling her “the most enormous fat black chick I’ve ever seen” and accusing Oprah of lying when she told “this enormous woman the size of a planet that she’s going to have a career.” (The audio is above.)

I agree with a lot of what Howard says in terms of Gabourey needing to lose weight. No one can tell that girl that she’s absolutely fine and healthy just the way she is. I’m sure she’s a beautiful spirit, and she’s obviously a brilliant actress, but she’s not going to be a brilliant actress for much longer if she doesn’t change her diet and exercise regime.

That said, a look at Gabourey’s IMDB page indicates that she’s starring in an upcoming flick called Yelling to the Sky, and this week it was announced she’ll have a recurring role opposite Laura Linney in a television show called The Big C, about a suburban mom attempting to find humor in her battle with cancer. So she’s working, which is more than most skinny, beautiful actresses in Hollywood can say for themselves.

The interesting thing about someone like Gabourey Sidibe being nominated for the best actress role, and for Oprah to so publicly endorse her, is that now you’re going to see roles written for Gabourey Sidibe. You’re going to see studios pushing for films that use actresses like Gabourey Sidibe and characters like Precious. You’re going to see those films mass-marketed, rather than tucked away at indie film festivals or marketed exclusively to the black community. What I find most interesting and potentially inspiring about Gabourey Sidibe is not that she’s black or female or overweight, but she’s really not pretty. (Your haterade goes in the comments. But it’s true.) And we never see that in Hollywood. When you look at the larger women on the Hollywood scene — black or white — you’ll notice that they all have very beautiful faces. Mo’Nique, Oprah, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, Kirstie Alley, Jessica Simpson. They all have strikingly beautiful faces. We do not put this constraint on overweight men in Hollywood. So I love that this is an opportunity for Hollywood to start putting more women who look like Gabourey on camera, because the average woman — even the average overweight or obese woman — does not have Mo’Nique’s perfect face.

I think you’re incredibly brave and awesome, Gaby, and best of luck to you, kiddo.