Britney Spears stepped out in L.A. earlier this week in what can only be described as…. well it can’t. I mean, what is it? I think it’s a wife beater over… are those pantaloons?? With pantyhose???

Whoever uploaded these pics to the photo service had the colossal balls to label them “Britney Spears is Fashion Forward in L.A.”

I’m not really sure how to handle this story. I’m struggling to see my keyboard through tears of laughter. Maybe I’ll just start by offering this friendly piece of advice: If you’re gonna piss on someone’s toothbrush, you’d better be sure you don’t have gonorrhea.

Ryan Leslie of the current Real World: Back to New Orleans cast filed a report with N.O. police alleging that fellow Real World roommate, Preston Roberson-Charles, urinated on his toothbrush and used the instrument to scrub out a toilet.

It’s a standard (if disgusting) prank, straight out of the passive aggressive pussy’s guide to getting back at people, so why the police report? I’ll let the report itself do the explaining:

“I got into a argument with my roomate (sic) Preston. In the argument Preston stated that he was going to do something to my belongings. Preston later came in my room and took my tooth brush (sic) off the counter and scrubbed the inside of the toilet and urinated on my toothbrush. I wasn’t aware of this and continued to use my toothbrush.

I soon started to get a sore throat and began to get a fever. It was extremly (sic) painful and only got worst (sic). I went to urgent care and was tested for strep and mono. Both came back negative but I was diagnosed with a viral infection.”

Leslie was given antibiotics and a steroid shot for the pain. Police visited the Real World house and spoke with MTv producers but didn’t say whether or not any footage had been taken of the incident in question. The toothbrush however, was taken in as evidence.

No charges have been filed.

The title isn’t entirely accurate. It’s not really Glee that’s destroying television– it’s the stupidity of network TV executives who like to jump on bandwagons faster than a Duke lacrosse team on a stripper.

The huge success of Glee has led Fox network executives to believe that a Glee-style musically themed week of programs during May sweeps would be a good idea. I was dubious about the wisdom of such a move until they announced that the dark Sci-fi action / mystery series Fringe would be one of the programs to be given the Glee musical treatment. Now I know it’s a terrible idea.

“None of us ever thought that it was really going to happen,” said musically trained co-star Jasika Nicole, who plays loyal FBI agent Astrid Farnsworth, in an interview on the show’s set in Vancouver, Canada, last week. “It was just a joke. We were like, ‘Oh, yeah, Fringe should be a musical.’ Dancing and singing and goofing off and stuff. And then John says, ‘So. you know, there’s going to be a musical episode,’ and I was like, ‘Ha, ha, John,’ and he was like, ‘No, really, have you read the script?’”

The raison d’etre for the musical numbers will be a complex hallucination by the show’s resident mentally unstable genius Walter Bishop that places all the characters in a “highly symbollic” 1940′s era musical setting. Many of the show’s cast members have musical training, but that doesn’t stop this idea from having the potential to be a huge bowl of turds. Remeber that musical episode of Buffy? Say what you want about Joss Whedon’s genius, but personally, I still haven’t forgiven the universe for that one.

The show is set to air on Fox during May sweeps.

Octomom’s house is about to be foreclosed upon. She owes $4,000 in late payments and failed to make a $450,000 balloon payment that was due on March 10th.

The $565,000 house was originally signed over to Suleman’s father, who leased the house to his daughter and agreed to pay $4,000 a month plus the single payment of $450,000 that was due on the 10th.

The person who sold the house to Suleman and holds the note has said he will give her until Tuesday to pay the two amounts, plus interest and attorney’s fees, or his lawyer will file to foreclose on the house.

With the loss of her house, Octomom will be looking for another place to shelter and raiser her 14 children. Might I suggest Zappos? I hear they have some really great deals on giant shoes.

Lindsay Lohan filmed a BBC documentary about child trafficking in India last year. The documentary earned her the ire of activists who claimed she trivialized the efforts of those working to rescue enslaved children by allegedly insinuating that she had been personally involved in the rescue of 40 children. “One Indian lobbyist claimed that Lohan portrayed the operations in a superficial light by suggesting that they could be carried out by a passing celebrity.”

While her alleged insinuations might be making people angry, it’s a paperwork oversight that might get her in real trouble. While filming the documentary, she failed to apply for the proper work visa, and Indian officials have plans to put her on an immigration blacklist which would effectively bar her from entering the country.

One country down, 195 left to go.

I can’t help but feel bad for her about this. It was most likely the job of someone on the production crew to make sure everyone had the proper visas, and she really had nothing to do with the mix up. It’s just one more example of how this girl is the King Midas of Shit – everything she touches turns to fecal matter then blows up in her face.

For those of you in other countries who don’t know what a prom is, perhaps a little explaining is in order.

Prom is a formal dance that you attend at the end of your senior (and sometimes junior) year in high school. For many American girls,  it’s one of two times in their life that they’ll get to wear formal attire (the other being their wedding) so it’s a pretty big deal. A lot of time and money is spent figuring out what to wear, making appointments to get your hair and makeup done, booking a limo, finding a date, and making reservations at a fancy restaurant. For most high school students, it’s one of those seminal (pun intended) coming of age rituals.

So, when Mississippi teen Constance McMillen’s prom was cancelled because she planned to wear a tuxedo and take another girl as her date, believe me when I say it was a big freakin deal. The school board in this bassackward district has a ban on bringing same sex dates to the prom, and apparently also forbids women to wear pants because they didn’t just deny McMillan’s request to bring a female date, they also told her should couldn’t wear a tuxedo.

The school board says that it cancelled the prom because the controversy surrounding the situation was distracting McMillen’s fellow students from their education. I choked a little bit on that massive turd of bullshit when I wrote it; did you choke a little when you read it?

In response to the cancellation, parents of other students organized a private prom at a furniture mart in nearby Tupleo. The prom is “invitation only”, and of course, Constance hasn’t been invited. In one discussion on an internet forum, a poster who identified himself as a junior from the high school in question stated that “Constance and her gay-activist friends will not be attending [the private dance]. They can go have their own prom because we certainly do not want any of them there.”

At the center of this massive shit storm of stupidity and homophobia is a normal, 18 year old girl. Although it appears that many of her peers and the residents of her hometown aren’t supporting her, the national opinion is much more divided, with many people, like talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, expressing their concern for her situation and admiration for her courage in standing up to the school district. Ellen invited McMillen to be a guest on her show, where she presented her with a $30,000 scholarship and offered her a summer internship in New York.

Several organizations have offered to provide an alternative prom for the students in the district. But McMillen is fighting for the legitimacy of being able to attend the real prom, sanctioned by the high school, adding, “I just want to go and be able to be myself, go to the prom that I was supposed to have since I’ve never known what prom was.”

Maybe it’s because I’m on the rag today, but this story actually brought me to tears. I don’t type that easily because I like to pretend I’m a hardass who never cries about anything. I pull my hoodie around my face if I ever bawl at a sad movie and punch anyone who says anything about the water on my cheeks. But this literally made me cry.

When I went to prom, I took a last minute date, bought a budget dress from T.J. Maxx, and got my sister to do my hair and makeup for me. The school district wasn’t involved in picking out my outfit or approving my date, and it would have been some insane, 1984 “big brother” bullshit if they had tried. But then, I’m straight, and my date was a boy.

It’s just so damn frustrating. She’s just a girl who wants to go her prom;  to wear an outfit she picked out after hours of agonizing and trying on different things. A girl who wants take that date that she finally worked up the nerve to ask. A girl who wants to slow dance awkwardly while she figures out exactly where she can rest her hands without offending her date or looking too clumsy.

Prom is a collection of annoying, awkward, hilarious, exciting experiences that comprise a ubiquitous  rite of passage for every American teenager. She has a right to make those memories- as do all the the other students in her class– and it saddens me greatly that because of the intractable self-righteousness of a school board who seems to have forgotten, or chosen to ignore, every American’s right to liberty, they won’t get to have those experiences or make those memories.