“Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end,” Mayer explains. “It has nothing to do with control. If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said ‘I wanna wear your ass like a hat,’ why would that ever hit the news? I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I’m not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you’ve never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they’d say ‘I don’t have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal. He’s 32 years old. He’s a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.’ And that’s why I won’t do that. When I get married that’s gonna be my vows, ‘Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?’ Yes, I do—you’re the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life.”

- John Mayer in The Independent.

P.S. HAI  JON MAEOR. PLZ CEND MI MOAR DURTY TECKS. K THX, BAI.

If you’re a resident of Earth, you’ve seen the video of prisoners dancing to Michael Jackson’s Thriller before. The video was such a huge hit (over 38 million views!), that Michael Jackson’s choreographer for the This Is It tour went to the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center where the first video was filmed and taught them a dance to “They Don’t Care About Us”. It’s amazing. Honestly, it’s a spectacle and you’ll be doing yourself a disservice not to watch it at least once.

It’s obvious that learning and performing these dances is a great way to keep the prisoners both disciplined and occupied (I can imagine that it’s somewhat of a reward for inmates to be able to channel their energy in to something positive like this), but let’s not forget: Homeboys are all in jail. This isn’t a step team or a dance squad and those orange pants aren’t incidental. Enjoy the video, but remember: Those are some bad, bad dudes getting their dance on.

…’cause hell has frozen over, folks. Mischa Barton looked good last night at the photo call for a fashion event she attended in Madrid. Like, almost shockingly good considering that lately “haggard” has been the nicest way to describe her look. It looks like she lost a bunch of that weight she’s gained and her skin, hair and make-up are all much more polished than usual. And the shoes? To die for. You know that we love to hate on this chick, but I’ll give her props where props are due.

“I hope you die, so I can be the last Golden Girl!”

- Betty White’s “get well” note to fellow former Golden Girls cast member Rue McClanahan, who is recovering from a stroke.

As if I even have to say it: Betty White is so legendary. I don’t think I’ll be as amused by anything else I read this week as I was by this little tidbit.

I am so incredibly sorry to share this news with you, but it appears that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is the latest member of the Jersey Shore cast to shop around nude photos of herself. Hey, there’s got to be a Juicehead somewhere out there who’s interested in seeing that, right?

What’s the damage? Apparently there’s a couple of photos, and a video (which I assume is not a sex tape because God’s just not that cruel) of the reality star in some compromising positions. One photo features Snooki buck naked, on her knees with one arm on the floor and the other holding on the bed next to her. The other photo is “too graphic to describe”.

Sad thing is, I don’t even think this is an idea that Snooki had on her own. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came up with the scheme to shoot and sell her own naughty photos after seeing the fuss that was made over her (much, much more attractive) co-star J-WOWW’s photos.

And in other news, we live in a world where people named Snooki and J-WOWW are not only famous, but newsworthy and famous. It’s probably time we all kill ourselves*.

*Do not actually kill yourself.

There was a hearing today in the unfortunately drawn-out custody battle between Jesse James and his ex-wife, porn star Janine Lindemulder. Jesse and his wife Sandra Bullock will have full-custody Jesse’s daughter Sunny, and Janine, who is currently married to a man she met in a post-prison halfway house, will be able to speak to Sunny on the phone. This is probably not an arrangement that either party is entirely happy with, but it does seem to be the most healthy option for Sunny.

Jesse seemed particularly peeved at the ruling, because his ex is some kind of a maniac. He told the judge, ”She texts at least twice and up to 20 times a day, demanding to talk to Sunny. But sometimes she’ll go a week at a time where she doesn’t make a call.” He also mentioned that the nature of Janine’s conversations with Sunny are inappropriate for a young girl. “[Lindemulder] has no filter on what she tells [Sunny] about prison. There’s a lot of conversation about prison or jail and things that I don’t think a 6-year-old can comprehend or process.”

Jesse also went on to add that even though Janine claims she wants custody, and was even granted it for the Christmas holiday, she doesn’t follow through when she does get it. The last handful of times that Janine was supposed to see Sunny, she bailed at the last moment or never showed.

This is a sad story because you have to wonder about the mental health of a little girl who is exposed to such a monster of a mother. Six years old is old enough not to forget what you’re seeing and hearing, and if Janine is really talking to her about prison (and God knows what else from her sordid past), that’s just straight-up abuse in my opinion. Thankfully, it seems that Jesse and Sandy are truly dedicated to this little girl and keeping her safe. Hopefully Janine will clean up her act or give up before she causes any more damage to this adorable child.