Well, if we didn’t learn it by watching Garden State, we learned it by watching 500 Daze of Bummer. The manic pixie dream girl always gets the hotties, right? I’ve been doing some research for us, ladies, and I think I found a great real-life example for us all to follow: the woman moving around like a moron in these photos. Yup, Kate Hudson! I should have known all along. The pot-smoking, the bearded men, the giggle, the care-free jerking around of her body in perfectly public places- this is who we have to try and be, girls. I mean, look at Kate! She’s on the set of her new movie Earthbound, and instead of relaxing in her trailer with a magazine and some coffee, she’s putting herself out there as a free and original spirit for all of the world to see. Of course that’s what men want! It was in front of our eyes the whole time! Take notes.

You guys see the genius* in the above photo? That’s Joselyn James. She’s a porn star and one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses and also probably one of the funniest people on the planet. Remember last week when I told you about those novelty golf balls they are selling with all of Tiger’s mistresses’ faces printed on them? I thought they were some of the stupidest pieces of crap merchandise that I’ve ever seen in a world where everyone is broke and no one needs junk laying around their houses. Well, it turns out my girlie Joselyn and I have something in common beside the fact that men cannot resist us. She hates them too! Here are some quotes from a press conference she did about them:

“as a victim of violence myself, it bothered me to think that someone would be standing with a dangerous club hitting a ball with my photo on it.”

“hitting a woman or an image of a woman is not a sport…this would be no different than using a picture of a woman’s face for target practice.”

Oh, and just to continue to show this woman’s Mensa-level intelligence:

“I was in love with Tiger…and I believed that he loved me too.”

I have never been hit by a man, but I can tell you this much: Desensitizing the population to abuse by bringing up arguments like this about something that I cannot actually imagine is offense to the victims is much more dangerous than these golf balls. Joselyn is claiming that the mere thought of the image of a woman’s face of a golf ball is traumatizing to her, right? So then why doesn’t she do anything about the violence portrayed in her own industry? How is a drawing on a golf ball any less art than her and her peers getting rammed in the ass and smacked around by men on video?

Joselyn is a smart girl, I know. I know she’s really brainy. But girl, there are flaws in your logic.

*I don’t actually know if she’s smart, but clearly she’s smart enough to play a sexy teacher in pornography, so you put 2 + 2 together.

Last weekend Ke$ha attended her first (and probably last, realistically) Clive Davis pre-Grammy bash and it didn’t go so great for the singer/party girl. While making her way down the red carpet, she stopped at one reporter who couldn’t seem to care less that she was there. Or know who she is, really. Instead, he and his camera man were concentrated on looking down the carpet and finding a better interview, and they do with former Beach Boy, Al Jardine. I feel badly for Ke$ha, who looks pretty embarrassed for someone who’s supposedly a total hard-ass, but I have to side with the reporter on this one. I know, I know. He’s being rude, but let me tell you something about covering red carpets: If you’re talking to someone and you don’t know who they are, it sucks. What, is he supposed to go to his boss and say that the angle for his story was that Ke$ha was nervous and excited to be there? He could have gotten that story without leaving the house if he even knew who she was. With the Beach Boy, he at least has a chance of getting in an interview that he’s invested in. One bad interview won’t crush her soul, but it could cost that dude his job.

And Ke$ha gets all the press she deserves and more.

If loving the exploitation of Lindsay Lohan’s journey through emotional wreckage is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Is Lindsay Lohan a secret celebrity hoarder????

Yes.

She is blatantly hoarding half the world’s collagen in her lips. You can let some of that go, Lindsay. Do you really need all of it? I think there’s a dead cat in there somewhere. (Seriously you guys do you remember that episode where they found that dead cat? ZOMG. I died. Not like that cat died, but you get it.)

Wowza, I’m not even sure where to begin, because this episode was chocked full o’drama.  Kate’s “hot” (READ: pig-nosed) friend is still staying in the house, and my oh my has their “friendship” escalated.  Oh, and by escalated I mean they made out in da club, in da shower, in da pool, in da hot tub, in bed, and in da shower. Naked.  After drunk dialing her boyfriend at an hour when normal, non-stupid, non-slutty people have to go to work, Paul decides to call it quits with Kate.  Shocking, right?  I mean, it’s shocking that she was actually ever able to snag a man who could eloquently dictate why he was angry enough end a relationship before it caused him anymore harm.  Shocking.

I seriously can’t believe how fake Kate is.  I really miss the laid back, original Kate, not this sex-crazed brat that kisses Natalie’s ass.  Oh how quickly the alliances in the Bad Girls’ House can change  . . .

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I have never had a kid, but you would have to be an idiot to try and tell me that it wouldn’t hurt to squeeze something that weighs more than a pound and has a head out of my vagina (OH WAIT.) Still, that’s what Gisele Bündchen is saying about her experience giving birth to her son with Tom Brady, Benjamin. And get this! She’s saying she did the whole thing drug-free. OK, now I know she’s gotta be lying about the pain. I know that can’t be true.

“The whole time, my head was so focused – every contraction, the baby is closer, the baby is closer. So, it wasn’t like, ‘Oh, what pain.’ It was, ‘With every contraction, he is getting closer to me,’ ” the gorgeous liar told People. She continued on to say “The second day, I was walking, I was washing dishes, I was making pancakes in the kitchen.”

Perhaps the fact that she did a water birth made the process a little bit easier, but painless? Pancakes? Who are you trying to play, Bündchen?