If you’re looking for something uplifting or inspiring, you’d best go read something else: you’ll find naught but bitterness here.

Bitterness because the fact that Jennifer Aniston is turning 41 makes me feel really, really old.

Bitterness because, at 41, she’s more attractive than my saggy 28 year old ass will ever be.

Bitterness because while I’m stuck here huddling under a blanket in the grips of  Snowtorious B.I.G. 2010 with nothing but my flaky, white, winter-ravaged skin to keep me company, her tan ass is prancing around in a bikini in fucking Cabo with Gerard Butler, Courtney Cox, and Sheryl Crow.

Can you taste that?

It’s the acrid taint of deep, bitter jealousy. Crack me a beer and pass the buffalo chicken dip– I’ve only got 14 hours (of Superbowl pregame shows) to get this taste out of my mouth.

One upon a time in Shanghai, there was a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman who dated a guy who was kind of a jerk. This jerk had an obsession with actress and all-around hottie Jessica Alba. He plastered the wall of his home with pictures of her and often hinted to the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman that he wished she looked more like Jessica Alba.

Incredibly, this match made in heaven didn’t last (gasp!)

One day, the jerk decided that he would be satisfied with nothing less than Jessica Alba herself, so he broke up with the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman so he could devote more time to his hobby of finding ways around the Chinese government’s firewall to do Google image searches for “Jessica, Alba, Nip slip.” At least, that’s what the young woman says is the reason for the breakup.

Now, in a bid to win back the heart of her prince charming, this beautiful (but super…ahh, you know the rest) young woman is going to undergo massive plastic surgery in order to look more like Jessica Alba. And the Alba is not amused.

“I think you should never have to change yourself like that,” actress Alba said. “If somebody loves you, they’ll love you no matter what.”

And if they don’t love you, they won’t love you, no matter which gorgeous celebrity you pathetically and desperately try to look like.

Good luck with the surgery beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman. Enjoy being a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman for a few more months, before you undergo the surgery and become superficial and incredibly stupid young woman with a weird amalgamated face that looks like someone melted Jessica Alba and stuck her skin on a mutilated cadaver. Because that’s how these things turn out.

And IF it works, and your ex-boyfriend– by virtue of some psychotic lapse– takes you back, he is still going to dump your ass as soon as the novelty wears off. Because that too is how these things turn out.

The End

Along with my 60 year old alt-country former hippie father, you can add Jay-Z to the list of unlikely Susan Boyle fans.

In a recent interview, he sung the Boyle’s praises and even suggested that she capitalize on her success by starting her own clothing line.

“What Susan’s achieved is unbelievable. Everybody wants a piece of her and the market for her is huge. I could see her with her own clothing range. Sure, why not? She’ll appeal to women of a certain age. They’ll see an ordinary person who made the best of herself. It’ll give them hope.”

I’m going to ignore the fact that he used the odious phrase “women of a certain age” and just hope to high hell that we don’t see an “Oh Susan Ugh!” or “Susan B-eautiful” line of polyester blend slacks and sensible pantsuits coming to a K-mart near you anytime soon.

Former NFL defensive tackle and Dancing with the Stars finalist Warren Sapp was arrested on Saturday and charged with domestic battery after police were called to Miami Beach’s Shore Club hotel.

Sapp’s girlfriend of 2 years alleges that he choked her and pushed her down after the two got into a heated argument about her hanging out with other men. Sapp’s version of the story is that he was “helping her off the couch when she fell backward and hurt her leg.” Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh. Riiiiiiiight.

The scuffle supposedly took place at around midnight but police weren’t called until 5am. Afterwards, the girlfriend was taken to Mount Sinai Medical Center and treated for a swollen knee and bruising on her neck.

Sapp’s explanation sounds pretty fishy, and it’s difficult to argue with the bruises on her neck. But I’m still skeptical, perhaps because I have this nagging feeling that we’ve been through this all before.

At any rate, Sapp’s employers aren’t taking any chances. He was in Miami to cover Super Bowl XLIV for the NFL network, but has been “relieved him from his weekend duties as an on-air correspondent.”

There are so many rumors that need debunking this weekend, I’m just going to put them all in one post.

Eminem and ex wife Kim Mathers are not getting back together, and most definitely are not planning to have another child together, as was claimed by a rumor that made the rounds earlier in the week. Domestic violence charities rejoice.

Drew Barrymore and longtime boyfriend Justin Long are not getting engaged in spite of a Facebook update that suggested otherwise. According to Drew’s rep, the Facebook account that reported the engagement is actually a fake. As is the one with that picture of me sucking spilled beer off the floor of the Campus Pub. Yeah.

Finally, Jersey Shore Cast member Snooki took to her Twitter account to deny rumors that there are nude photos and videos of her being shopped around. So if you want to see an Oompa Loompa naked, you’re just going to have to go back to 4chan.

According to a source, Mayer hooked up with Taylor Swift when they were both in Nashville on January 24th.

“She was sitting on John’s lap, her arms were around him, and she was talking in his ear. They were acting like teenagers.”

The source claimed that the couple dined at the Cabana restaurant and were joined by their friends. After their dinner reservation, they were spotted leaving the restaurant alone and heading to the Hermitage Hotel.

“Taylor spent the night and enjoyed mid-morning room service before leaving his suite the next day.”

Taylor is a grown woman and she’s free to boink whomever she wants. I just don’t get why it was John Mayer. What is it about that man that lands so many quality ladies in the sack? I just don’t get it.