John Mayer cannot even be serious right now. I already posted a snippet from his Playboy interview in Quotables today, but you guys: I had no idea how real this shit gets. John Mayer says some mad racist-sounding stuff in this interview. And he talks about fucking people again.

Here are some more soundbites for you to try and digest:

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

No. He. Didn’t. No he didn’t! What?! Has John Mayer been reading Vice Magazine? Is he so not-racist that he can just throw the n-word out in an interview or something?

This boy. I love his crazy ass.

Tom Cruise has just signed on to make a fourth installment in the Mission: Impossible series and I could not be any less underwhelmed by this news. Who, may I ask, is still seeing Tom Cruise movies? I can’t even look at the dude without being like, “OMG, YOU’RE SO CRAZY.” Because he is so crazy. In fact, I think he ruins everything he comes in contact with. Look at what he did to Joey from Dawson’s Creek:

I think that’s pretty much all the proof you need.

Remember when Jon Gosselin said that his kids could no longer film their TLC reality show because he decided that it was bad for them? OK, well, he takes that back. It’s now being reported that Jon and Kate are in talks to bring the kids back in front of the cameras for Kate’s reality show, with Jon getting a cut for his kids’ labor.

From Fox News:

“Kate is taking advantage of every opportunity,” a source close to Gosselin tells Fox411. “She is working her butt off, making payments on the house and finding new jobs and new projects that will pay her enough to secure the life she wants to provide the children. She is in demand and she wants to sustain the demand without overdoing it.”

Meanwhile, Jon is struggling to slide out of the mess he created for himself when he forced filming of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” to stop last year. Sources say he is in talks with TLC to reach an agreement to allow them to film the family again.

“Jon does not have money for the intense lawyer fees and ensuing battle with the media giant and Kate has asked him to reconsider his decision for the family,” the source said. “She is willing to negotiate with him and TLC so that everyone gets what they want.”

But while the former couple is working toward a professional relationship, don’t expect them to become the best of friends any time soon.

Don’t worry, Fox News. I didn’t expect the two of them to go all BFF on us just ’cause they’ve figured out how to make money off of their kids again.

I should add that I actually really respect what a shithead Jon Gosselin has turned in to. On the show he only had a tiny little bit of visible douchey-ness and after the show it got pretty apparent and now it’s just like “I’m here, I’m queer, gay used to it”, except with being an asshole and a horrible parent instead of being a homosexual. I mean, he’s flying that flag so hard right now. There’s definitely something respectable about that level of commitment.

“Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.’”

- John Mayer tells Playboy about his sexual relationship with ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson.

Alicia Keys and Beyonce are in Brazil right now shooting their video for Alicia’s “Put It in a Love Song“, which is definitely one of my favorite songs so far this year. The wardrobe looks tight and although you don’t get much of an idea from these photos, I’m pretty sure Beyonce’s gonna hump that bus.

It’s not even a terrible rap song, but you’d think after spending, like, three months having her entire bisexual, death-threatening, watching-Natalie-fuck-an-NFL-player life filmed, she’d look a little less like a giant pussy on camera. And it’s weird how she’s trying to pantomime all the words, like the dance to “Like a Virgin” my friends and I choreographed in sixth grade. Or, you know, this.

Still, I love you, Flo. Just not as much as I love Natalie. Who’s the real psychopath in the house. (Well, either psychopath or raging coke addict. I can’t always say. I leave the BGC recapping to the capable hands of Saranden and Sierra, even though some weeks I really, really, really wish I could do it.)