It’s been an awesome couple of days for Jessica Simpson, who recently had her vagina’s addictiveness flouted in a Playboy article by John Mayer. He called her “sexual napalm.” The exact quote:
“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them … Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm … There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”
interesting day so far…hmm…at least i am boxing 2-a-days this week
And then when TMZ asked her if she had a comment (video above), she bitterly laughed it off and said she didn’t.
Ummmmm, okay, look, if some guy gave that interview to Playboy about me, I would be thrilled. I would be beyond delighted. I would get a T-shirt made that said “I AM SEXUAL NAPALM” and then I would wear it everywhere. When people asked me what my name is, I would be all like “Well, Playboy just calls me ‘Sexual Napalm.’ So that’s kind of what I go by these days. Did I mention John Mayer would sell all his shit to keep fucking me? Because, yeah. Dudes want to snort me, that’s how good I am in bed.”
I have been WAY in to Juggalos for awhile now, but I haven’t had many people to enjoy them with. That’s been really unfortunate because Juggalos are sincerely one of the greatest forms of entertainment on the face of the planet. Juggalos aren’t just funny because they dress like goth clowns and seem to think they’re hard-asses, they’ve also built a huge community online that is one of the most supportive, familial groups on the Internet. Sure, they’re a group that claims to love mass-murder and encourages mental illness in its followers, but they love each other. I actually think it’s all kind of sweet because they’re trashy, but they’re not bad and everyone wants friendship.
So then cut to yesterday when this video blows up all over the place. I got this link sent to me by about 20 friends who were all, “OMG! This is that Juggalo thing you talk about?!” Yes! This is that Juggalo thing I talk about and you don’t have to apologize for being clueless because I know I’m always up on the hot stuff first and I’m used to this feeling of retribution. Bang bang!
OMG, you guys! I can’t believe I almost forgot! Today’s the day that all of us horndog 20-and-30 something women and gay men have been waiting for… Taylor Lautner’s 18th Birthday! You know, that means that it’s legal for us to have sex with him in any state in the US AND he has complete control over his own finances. And he can buy cigarettes and porn! For you those of you who are still flustered by the image above, let me make it more clear: Now, no matter where you are in the United States, if Taylor Lautner is also there and sexually interested in you and wants to buy cigarettes and watch porn with you while paying for the whole thing on his credit card, it’s all fine and legal.
Writing that made me feel really sleazy and uncomfortable, BTW.
A little update on the Courtney Love/Frances Bean Cobain “I don’t want to live with you anymore because you’re crazy, Mom”-situation: The restraining order put on Courtney by Frances’ temporary guardians has been extended.
With Frances’ 18th birthday approaching in August, I’m thinking that the two are going to stay on the outs for quite some time. For Frances to leave home nine months before she was legally out of her mother’s control after all those years says to me that whatever was going on there was… unbalanced.
Even though Jon Gosselin brought ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman to Hawaii not that long ago, he’s already back with new girlf, Morgan Christie. What can I say? I guess Hawaii is Jon’s pussy zone. I think Jon feels most comfortable putting the moves on someone he clearly doesn’t deserve to be having sex with after slamming down a couple Mai Tais to the sounds of a ukulele band. Jon has never embodied what I imagine a former IT exec to look like anymore than he has in these photos. Fat, sunburnt, divorced, scamming on some chick almost a decade younger than him. Woof.
John Mayer had a lot of explaining to do yesterday after that Playboy interview was released. Yes, he took to his Twitter and addressed his use of the n-word, but he waited until his show last night in Nashville to apologize for his comments about ex-girlfriend’s Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson.
Mayer clearly sites his own arrogance and desire to appear clever and a step ahead of the media as the sources of his big mouth. Only problem? Why is his band jamming quietly behind him while he’s apologizing? I realize that he’s at a concert, but this is not standard concert patter. He’s not dishing with the audience about why he wrote “Daughters”, he’s apologizing for using racial slurs and putting two of his ex-girlfriends on blast. The subtle guitar strumming is completely inappropriate and distracting from his message, which would be paramount given the circumstances, no?
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