Look who was out in London last night looking ever-so-gorgeous. It’s everyone’s second favorite mother of eight, Nadya Suleman! Homegirl must be getting lots of help at home, because this 49 year old super mommy is looking surprisingly fit and well-rested. Oh, what’s that you say? That’s NOT the Octomom? That’s Lindsay Lohan!?!? Oh, sweet Jesus. Dear Lord! What?!!? Lindsay Lohan? That hot redhead from Mean Girls? Oh my God. What the hell happened to her?

Robert Pattinson really hates vaginas … And I am not even a little bit surprised. [Celebslam]

Heidi Montag’s starting to look like the wax version of herself.  Oh, wait …  [popbytes]

Katherine Heigl lands yet another movie role.  Somehow.  [Pajiba]

Courtney Love decries former husband Kurt Cobain’s suicide as “uncool” … And other gems of wisdom from a washed-up, has-never-been. [Celebitchy]

Wanna see Beyonce’s very own nip-slip?  Sure … Sure you do, you skeezy bastard.  [cityrag]

Adam Lambert is Billboard‘s Sexiest Man in Music this year.  I’d agree, you know, except for that whole wonky skin thing.  Airbrushing FT-motherfucking-W, yo.  [Pop on the Pop]

Chew your way to a stiff willy with the one, the only:  Sexlets.  [Zelda Lily]

Paris Hilton lived it up in Rio this weekend with her idiot boyfriend while hosting a Valentine’s Day bash. In her downtime, Paris did what Paris does, which is shaking that ass for the camera. The paps caught up with ParPar on her hotel balcony, and upon spotting the cameras, she immediately stuck her ass out and starting posing. You gotta love a creature of habit, you know?

National treasure Kiefer Sutherland is dealing with some unfortunate health issues that are temporarily halting production on his show 24. KiefKief suffered from a ruptured cyst earlier this week and the problem is so painful that he wont be able to continue working until he’s given it proper medical treatment. From E! News:

“While Kiefer Sutherland is frustrated to miss even one day of work, he and Fox decided together that it would be best to complete this minor elective procedure now as a precaution as opposed to six weeks from now when production wraps,” his rep tells the Los Angeles Times. “He looks forward to returning to work next week.”

Likewise, Fox fully supports its action-star telling the publication: “We are temporarily suspending production of 24 while our friend and colleague Kiefer Sutherland undergoes a medical procedure. We hope to resume production shortly and do not anticipate any disruption in the broadcast of this season’s episodes.”

Wow. Let’s mobilize the prayer circle, folks.

Could it be true? Could it even be possible that the hunky chunk of man that I lust after all day could possibly have a small package? Sure, sure. Everyone who’s ever slept with him has made claims recently that he’s working with some lackluster man meat, but the pure sexuality that he radiates tells my heart otherwise.

First it was just his ex Hailey Glassman who described his junk to Stepping Out Magazine as “tiny, tiny, tiny.” She said they would often discuss his tiny manhood explaining, “He said, ‘You know how subconscious [sic] I am of down there. I would tell him to his face, ‘I don’t think you would cheat on me because you’re so small.’”

I can’t imagine why a handsome man like Jon would deal with these abusive women, but apparently this is something he’s used to. Another source has spoken to Stepping Out and they said that his original abuser, ex-wife Kate, was much harsher on him and referred to his penis as “Stubby.” Like, that was the nickname she gave it.

These reports sound pretty convincing, but I’m going to have to keep my faith in Jon intact. I mean, how else do you explain all that hot young tail he’s able to reel in?

I’m sure that it didn’t occur to Jenny McCarthy that I spent yesterday rolling around in piles of my own discarded tissues, fingers covered in Cheeto dust, watching Singles on repeat from the time I woke up to the time I eventually passed out from crying. I’m sure she didn’t mean to remind me of that when she posted on her Twitter that her rich-ass movie star boyfriend, Jim Carey paid to have his love written in the sky. I hope those two whacky mother fuckers laughed their faces off looking at their initials written above their mansion and then went inside to have the maid cook them breakfast and let the nanny watch the kid while they spent the afternoon having hours and hours of freakin’ hilarious sex.

Don’t worry, guys! Just another year where everyone else had a better Valentine’s Day than you and didn’t bother taking time out of their day to remind you of it!