Not too long ago the pitbull terrier belonging to Sandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James went missing. Luckily, Cinnabun (which is the most adorable name for a pitbulll, ever) was returned 3 weeks later after the couple put out several public pleas and enlisted the services of a pet detective.

They still don’t know what happened to the dog when she went missing, but disturbingly, the dog lost over 23 pounds during the 25 days she was missing, and “sustained severe injuries.” James was on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show recently, and told him that “someone beat the hell out of” the dog.

I’m no rabid (excuse the pun) animal rights activist. I think PETA is for whack jobs and bored megalomaniacs. But anyone who would treat a dog like that ranks right between infected mucus and pedophiles on the hierarchy of worthless, disgusting shit that this world would be better off without.

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Out of Australia comes this unexpected and totally over exaggerated story that Lady Gaga is penniless. The rumors stem from the following quote in The Daily Telegraph in which Gaga explains how she devotes all her time and resources to her career.

“I live right here in the moment. I live on stage. I don’t own a house, I don’t spend money on those things. I live out of a suitcase and I make music and art and I spend every dollar that I make on stage – that’s it.”

The article somehow spins that into the idea that she is “broke and homeless,” which is ridiculous, because she doesn’t say she’s broke– just that she doesn’t spend her money on anything but her performances. I also wouldn’t call not owning a house “homeless”, especially if you’re flying first class and sleeping in four star hotel rooms.

So, if she’s not buying million dollar mansions with her earnings, what’s her idea of extravagance? Apparently, it’s a bowl of pasta.

“I’m on a very strict healthy pop star diet. I don’t eat bread, just vegetables and salad and fish. Eating like that is much better for me anyway but on Sundays I sometimes eat pasta.”

Pasta fetish, huh? It’s always the outrageous, extroverted ones who have the tamest cravings.

Frankie Muniz is steadily working his way down the list of careers five year old boys say they want to be when they grow up.

If you’ll remember, he put his acting career on hold in 2008 to pursue a career in race car driving. That didn’t really work out (naaaw, really?) so now he’s trying his hand at being what the kids refer to as a “rock’n'roll star”.

Muniz is one fourth–the drumming fourth– of a band called You Hang Up. The other three fourths are comprised of two parts fauxhawk and one part Myspace. You can hear their song “Confess2Regret” (spelled just like that, with the roman numeral two and everything) above.

I’ll withhold judgement on its quality because I don’t think it’s meant for someone like me. It sounds like it’s targeted at prepubescent emo girls. I’m much older and twice as moody.

So what’s next on the list for Frankie? My money’s on astronaut.

If you’ve been dying for a dose of something freckly, pasty, and adorable ever since Conan went off the air last month, then your prayers have been answered. If you pray for that kind of thing.

Since his contract with NBC prevents him from doing television for a year, Coco nuts is reportedly considering bringing the hot red-headed mess straight to your face via a live speaking tour that would take him to several venues across the states and maybe even to Europe.

Many of the venues would be college campuses, which will make the frat boys very happy because it gives them another reason to take their shirts off in unreasonable weather and paint things on their chests. They love doing that.

Could you imagine the copper topped bouffant infested bacchanalia that would ensue if Conan came to a college campus near you? It’d be a total mess of drunk chicks, face paint, and people trying to be funny yelling things out during the performance but failing miserably. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Gwen Stefani’s fashions are normally on point and perfectly fitted, but she had one hell of a struggle with these complicated-looking pants while taking her son Kingston to the dentist yesterday. From the moment she stepped out of the car she seemed concentrated on keeping her pants off the ground. That must have been an anxiety-filled couple of minutes as she made her way in to the office in front of all that paparazzi.

“I thought the line ‘I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska’ was very funny. I think the word is “sarcasm”. In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes.”

- Andrea Fay Friedman, the actress with down syndrome whose voice was featured on last week’s family guy in an email to the New York Times. Andrea sent this after Bristol Palin made a public statment about howhurtful she found the episode to be.

A loaf of French bread! HA!