Last night were the People’s Choice Awards and Hollywood came out to accept their trophies. Some huge names were on the red carpet for the decidedly dressed-down event, including Mariah Carey, Ashton Kutcher and Taylor Swift. I have old people taste and I live under a rock made up of 90s sitcoms and 10,000 Maniac songs, so I’m never quite sure who these “people” are that are making the “choices”, but this looks about right. This looks like all the people the kids are talking about. Are you satisfied with the winners, and if not, who would you have liked to see win?

Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange is in the hospital this morning after being discovered last night with nine stab wounds on his body. The comedian known for his big mouth and wild ways was found by his mother in his Hoboken apartment after what appears to be a suicide attempt. One thing that supports the suicide theory is that six of the wounds were not deep enough to do any damage, as if he stabbed himself and chickened out. Three of the wounds were deep, as if he’d just stuck the knife in there. Despite massive blood loss, doctors were able to save Artie and he’s currently recovering.

Artie’s boss took to the air earlier this week to defend his buddy, who has suffered from drug and alcohol addiction in the past and is currently having a rough time. Howard said, “We all have our demons. Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He’s a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don’t forget how great he is.”

Well, the tragedy of drugs is that anyone could be a user, even “great” guys. It’s a pretty common theme we’ve been seeing here these days. Thankfully I’m just writing up this story instead of a death announcement.

This little wench is turning out to be quite the media pro!

When Entertainment Tonight asked Hailey Glassman — who recently lost her position as the nightly remover of Jon Gosselin’s Ed Hardy shirt — what she thought of Kate Gosselin’s new hairdo, she had this to say:

“I like it! It’s a little shocking due to how short it was before. I think a new look is a new start and happier times. She’s like fine wine. Better over time. Did I mention how great her body looks? I wonder who her surgeon is? Jon’s poison. He plays the victim when he is the villain. This is also a way for her to throw it in his face. Jon always gave her shit about having short hair. Props to Kate. She can now be a MILF!”

A point of clarification: Kate’s surgeon is Hailey’s father. So that’s actually an honest-to-goodness joke and not a backhanded compliment.

I’m loving this Glassman chick’s uncanny way of sticking around the spotlight for waaaaaay longer than she should be. How much longer do you think she’ll make it? A week? A month? A year? WILL SHE GET A WEAVE PUT IN?? Only time will tell.

I got scared when I saw this photo of Jenna Elfman on the People’s Choice Awards red carpet. Don’t get me wrong, human pregnancy is a wonderful, beautiful thing … that scares the beejezus out of me. This photo screams the word “ADOPT.” Why do pregnant women have to look so distended? I look at this and it just doesn’t seem healthy. That’s okay. There are little orphans in Russia who will need my parenting one day. I think adopting is better anyway, especially from a foreign country. When you conceive and birth a child vaginally, she can be all like “You brought me into this world and so now you have to deal with my temper tantrums and my methamphetamine use and my late-night car sex with my much older, bearded, creepy boyfriend.” When they’re adopted you can always just be like, “Would you rather be in a Russian orphanage than inside doing your math homework? Someone would probably be raping you right now. Bet you wouldn’t be so fond of the creepy beard then. ”

Also, Cobra Starship has a gang sign. I know this because lead singer Gabe Saporta flashed it on the red carpet. Get it? One hand is the cobra and the other hand is the starship. Um, Evil Beet needs a gang sign you guys, like, ASAP. If you have ideas, email me the photo of you flashing it. We’re coming up with something.

Oh, Hayley Williams of Paramore. I think you’re one of the most talented young musicians coming up right now, but I cannot wait until you outgrow the “I need to be weird to be cool” phase. You’re a pretty girl. Stop un-doing that.

And Katie Cassidy. I understand that I’m supposed to hate you. I do not. I look forward to your red carpet photos and always think you’re beautiful and well-dressed. I hate myself a little for that, but it’s true. Plus you’re rocking the over-the-shoulder side braid that practically brought me to tears of joy on Rachel McAdams. I wear my hair like that all the time now. I’m wearing it like that in my new Facebook photo. I just wish it were longer so it could look that beautiful! (Do they do clip-in side braids?)

A billion other photos from the red carpet are in the gallery below. The Glee kids were there, which makes me happy. I don’t know who won. I don’t especially care. Maybe Molly will come on later and tell you, and maybe she won’t. I don’t expect many of you care, and everyone on Twitter said the actual awards show sucked. It’s all about the dresses, baby! (And the gang signs.)

Lindsay Lohan was photographed getting on a plane back to the US today from St. Barts where she’s been partying down ever since just after Christmas. It looks like Lindsay is taking her resolution to make positive changes in her life pretty seriously, because homegirl was stretching, walking, picking on lettuce from her sister’s salad and smiling. All of that is really positive stuff. No negativity there. Really healthy. She’s changed a lot this week.

Image via People.com

Kate Gosselin got a weave! Kate Gosselin got a weave! Ahh! How exciting! Kate Gosselin got a weave put in by celebrity stylist Ted Gibson! I can only imagine what a mullet that thing looks like when the fans aren’t blasting, but damn: She looks good in this photo.

Ted, who works on just about everyone who’s anyone, including Angelina Jolie, got his hands on Kate’s infamous hair and went to town regardless of the fact that he didn’t have much to work with. “Bonding extensions to those little hairs really took time. But in all those hours, she didn’t complain once. She was so open to whatever I suggested, and willing to try just about anything,” he told People Magazine.

One thing particularly hilarious about the hair change is that the most awful part of Kate’s last style (her bangs) was the one thing she really wanted to hold on to. Gibson said, “She wasn’t sure about bangs, but I find many women have that one thing they’re afraid to let go of, that one ‘security blanket’ part of their look, whether it’s a fear of going shorter or darker or something. But once they finally let go and embrace the change, they always love it.”

Crazy hair is gone, crappy husband is gone… Kate Gosselin is set up to win, ladies and gents.