After the third season of Lost I was all “I can’t take this anymore” and I quit watching. I realize that makes me one of the few people on Earth who no longer cares about the show, so I figured I’d post this video for all of you extremely patient and dedicated freaks. Hey guys! Look! It’s the first scene from the new episode of Lost, which is ending its final season on February 2nd. I applaud your dedication if you’re caught up to where this clip starts off. I can’t even begin to attempt to prepare you for this clip if you don’t watch, except to say that there were smoke monsters and polar bears and for awhile some of them where locked in this bunker underground and they had this button they couldn’t press but then one dude did press the button. Oh! Then a few of the more attractive people on the show got kidnapped by some freaky dude that acted like Christopher Walken and they had to live in cages. And I know that Matthew Fox’s character saw the Red Sox win the World Series when he was locked in some glass room. So yeah, this clip should pick up somewhere after all that crap happened. Oh! Wait! I think they can time travel now, too. Not sure.

Nick Jonas has been performing shows with his band The Administration in my neighborhood all week. In fact, if I climb on my bathroom counter and stick my head out the window and turn my head left, I can kind of see the venue where he was performing last night. As you can imagine, my street has been flooded with little girls and tweens all week waiting to catch a glimpse of the youngest JoBro, and so I can’t help but wonder “What is the hype with this dude?” Nick Jonas is not attractive. He’s not “sexy”. He’s not interesting musically. On paper, there’s no real reason little chiquitas should be flipping their shit over this kid. Then I saw this video from his show this week and I realized: Girls love weird-looking teenage boys. It totally doesn’t matter if celebrities are actually cute or just some version of cute when you’re 13. Yeah, I think Nick Jonas kind of looks like a Pound Puppy in the face, but I was in love with Taylor Hanson, so who the hell am I to talk? Do you remember how many girls had the hots for Howie from Backstreet Boys?!? Howie!?!

That’s why we have to love our tweens, man. They love so purely. They see Nick Jonas, and they don’t even know what to do with themselves. An old broad like me needs James Franco waved in front of her face to show signs of a pulse. That’s a shame. Let’s celebrate the spirit of tweens today! I love you!

Remember Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? The one who had “the book” written about her and was giving daily blow jobs to Teresa’s husband’s 26-year old friend? That one. She’s so bananas. She just did an interview with People, and in addition to telling the magazine that she is abstaining from sex until she’s married, there were all sorts of awesome soundbites. For example:

“I’m abstinent now. I realized that with abstinence, if you really, really believe in yourself like I do, you discover your own self-worth. Abstinence means you refrain from any sex — thinking about it, doing it — even to yourself! I’m a born-again virgin.”

“I am saving myself for marriage. I didn’t do it the first two times but I learned from my mistakes. So now, it’s okay to wait.”

“Marriage is a goal of mine but not because I need it, but because I want it. It’s a big difference.”

On not looking for her soulmate: “I will never find him, he’ll find me. I think the right one will see me. I want old-fashioned courting.”

On not being worried about finding her soulmate: “It’s going to happen. Have you seen me?”

On her upcoming book: “There are two sides to each story, and this is mine. They’re not part of it. It’s not about them. My life is my own. They’re not part of my life and never have been. They didn’t try to get to know me, so I moved upward and onward.”

This chick is so mental, right? For those of you who may need more context, Danielle is one of the trashiest, craziest gold diggers on reality TV. Not to mention, she’s ruthless. It’s amazing that after watching her behavior and seeing the way she was perceived by viewers and the press alike that she still has the confidence she seems to have. You’d think being called a “prostitution whore” in front of all of America would shame a person, but no. Danielle Staub’s ego will outlive all the cockroaches and Twinkies in the world.

So I’m sitting at my desk at work today, minding my own business, and I hear my name mentioned in a nearby office. I ignore it. Then I hear it again. And then again. I finally get up from my little cubicle and follow the sound. The PR girls are huddled around a computer. “Oh good!” they say when they see me in the doorway. “We were just talking about how we needed to show this to you!”

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this commercial before. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t decide which jack-off joke I wanted to make first, but luckily there’s a parody video that makes ALL of them. It’s below.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Tila Tequila went to Kitson Kids yesterday to pick out some treats for that “baby” she’s “expecting”. Considering we’re exposed to her nightly meltdowns on Twitter, it’s strange to see the MySpace ho look so damn happy while digging through overpriced message Ts. Since Tila isn’t exactly a paparazzi target, you know she had to call them to meet her out. I’m looking at these photos as a form of performance art. It’s just a shame that she didn’t pull out this bit before they announced the Oscar nominations.

The trailer for Oliver Stone’s Wall Street 2 was released today. I’m not posting this because anyone ever thought a sequel to Wall Street in 2010 even had a chance of being good, but because I can’t believe how unbelievably shitty this movie looks. It’s so infinitely worse than anything I could have suspected that I’m shocked. Michael Douglas is old. Shia LeBeouf is a cocky little hamface. The music sounds like it came from a CD of pre-liscened “tension” music. The message feels irrelevant, but not in an escapist way like with Oceans 11 or Boiler Room or any other modern movie about good-looking men in suits doing bad things for money. I’m going to do myself the favor of not seeing this so I can still enjoy the original.