As I told you earlier today, NBC put Conan O’Brien’s nuts in a vice this week and gave him an ultimatum: start your show at 12:05 after an 11:35 Leno show, or get moving. Pretty harsh considering Conan’s long relationship with the network and his cult-like fanbase. Then later today Conan released a statement saying that he’s not going to move his show, and NBC can figure it out on their own. Well, he says it far more eloquently than that. Here’s the statement:

People of Earth:In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Personally, I found this statement to be heart wrenching. Like the nicest guy in the room has a drunk slut draped over him and he just wants to make sure she gets in to her own bed unharmed. And Jimmy Fallon. Holy shit, is he one lucky sonnofabitch right now.

Mischa Barton is back in NYC with her pooch AND her dog and the three of them were seen walking around the East Village yesterday while she checked her voicemail. I wonder if it was the future calling to tell her she photograph’s terribly in those pants and that they need to be discarded ASAP. On the positive tip, I still think she’s looking better than she has in a long time. Her weight is proportional and healthy (some might even say “average”) and hey! At least she’s not crying, right?

Casey Johnson (seen above with some of her old BFFs, Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton and Kim Kardashian), was laid to rest today in New Jersey. Though the cause of her death is still undetermined (ehhhh… for the record, anyway), her family and friends remembered her in a private, open casket ceremony. There are more memorials being planned for the upcoming weeks.

One person was noticeably missing from the ceremony was Casey’s fiancee, Tila Tequila. According to sources close to Tila (probably herself) she was devastated that Casey’s family didn’t treat their relationship like a real union and hurt that they shut her out of funeral plans. Meanwhile, Tila has been Twittering up a storm and pointing fingers at everybody she can. Her Twitter, it really is one of the most fascinating things out there these days.

Rebecca Romijn is the latest star to dawn a milk mustache in the famous campaign to promote the most popular beverage on Earth with the exception of water. What’s special about this ad though is that with her are her and Jerry O’Connell’s twin daughters, Dolly and Charlie. I don’t know if we’ve seen much of these muffins since they were born, but man! Look at those adorable, fat babies! Especially that Dolly! You could stick that baby on a dessert tray and she’d be the most edible looking thing on there. I want to shove her foot in my mouth. Is that strange? Does anyone else get the urge to eat cute babies? I think that’s a thing that people do, right?

“The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not?  Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

- Channing Tatum telling Details Magazine how he burnt up his wang on the set of The Eagle of the Ninth.

Anyone else think this late night shuffle over at NBC is a bunch of bullshit? I was so pumped when they moved Conan from the later spot and Leno stepped down and went to an earlier time slot. It was like the perfect line up. Everyone who likes Jay Leno is asleep by the time Conan comes on, and then us adults can sit around and laugh at the Masturbating Bear.

Well, as we all know by now, that plan didn’t really work out and now Jay Leno’s show is going to be bumped up an extra half hour. Now NBC has told Conan that he has to choose: start his show at 12:05 (which wouldn’t make it “The Tonight Show”, now would it?) or, ya know, get lost. Conan chose the unknown third option: Kill time by making fun of the network and figure out what to do later.

If anyone has had a chance to catch Conan’s last couple monologues, you’ve really been treating yourselves. Both last night and last Friday have been exceptionally hilarious, as it always is when a host turns on a group that they are supposed to support/used to support (remember all those awesome jokes during the Writer’s Strike a couple years ago? Late Night Writer’s Strike jokes are my favorite still.) If you missed the monologue, I got a transcription of the best jokes for yo’ ass. I just wish I could come to all of your offices and read ‘em for you in my Conan voice:

As I mentioned, NBC is shaking up its late night lineup yet again. They want to move Jay Leno back to 11:35. And there are a lot of rumors about what I’m going to do.

I’ve got a lot of options. I thought I’d share some of them with you right now..

I could…

• Host the Tonight Show at 12:05
• Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.
• Go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of ‘Cougartown’ called ‘Redwolf Village’.
• Host a show on B.E.T. called ‘White All Night’.
• Move to FOX and follow their hit “24″ with a new show called “24:05.”
• Televise my own colonoscopy on the Bravo Channel in a show called ‘Project Funway’.
• Convince NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.
• Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJ’s called ‘Big Red And The Booger’.
• Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!
• Perform the show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club at 7:30 and 9:30. (1/2 price drinks if you tell ‘em “Coco” sent ya!)
• Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming.
• Leave television altogether and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.

I know that Conan’s not always the popular choice (when you’re up against Letterman, how are you supposed to win? He’s like America’s dad with less fidelity issues), but I feel like I’ve grown up watching his work and it would completely suck to see him go out like that. Any other Conan lovers out there?