“You can do these things until they get carried out on a stretcher or you can get out while you’re still doing good.” Yeah, you said it, Leno! Honestly, you really did say that two years ago when you announced you were quitting The Tonight Show. Too bad there’s enough trolls with two year old episodes of your crappy show DVR’d in the world to call you out. Sounds like you’re singing a very different tune now, though. Sucks you had to turn Team CoCo against you in the process, man. Hope the new show goes great!

Nancy Kerrigan’s (that chick that got her ass whooped with a crowbar by one of Tonya Harding’s lackeys in the 90s) father was found dead yesterday, and get this: they think her brother did it. 70-year old Dan Kerrigan was found unresponsive in his Stoneham, MA home last night and so the family had him transported to Winchester Hospital, only to learn that he had passed away. Earlier that evening, Dan had fought with Nancy’s brother Mark, who is 45 years old. Definitely too old to be killing your father, for the record.

Now Mark has been charged with abusing an elderly person and causing serious bodily injury (aka “death”), although he has not been charged for murder. According to People, the fight started over whether or not Mark could use the telephone. And that’s just about the saddest thing I’ve heard so far today. The Kerrigan family has creeped me out enormously since the get-go. I never minded that Tonya Harding tried to beat Nancy up because I probably would have wanted to beat her up, too. There’s something unsettling about these people even when you brush the whole “the son probably murdered the dad” thing aside.

Elin Nordegren is a better woman than I am, that’s for sure. Or a more naive woman. Or maybe just a stupidly hopeful woman. I’m not totally sure, it’s really how you feel about the issue. What I’m getting at is that Elin is really wanting to give Tiger Woods a second chance. So much so that she’s spending at least five days with her cheating hubby at the sex rehab in Mississippi where he’s currently being treated. For Hornball Disease.

From Radar Online:

“The marriage is not over. They both want to save it,” a source familiar with the situation told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

Elin has been with Tiger in Mississippi for approximately five days and private security was hired to keep her out of sight, RadarOnline.com learned exclusively. She is participating in his recovery therapy.

Look, look: I’m not saying they should just give up, but they probably need to not drag this on for any longer than necessary. OK, yes. They should just give up. You know who we keep forgetting to mention throughout this whole scandal? Tiger and Elin’s kids. Is having a traditional two parent home better for those little babies than having a superfreak for a father and a pushover for a mother? Probably not, especially when money will never be an issue for either parent. Also, I don’t know how in one million-bajillion years Elin can look at him in the face after all of America’s seen the skanks he was poking on the side. Any man who would humiliate and degrade your situation because he wants to keep sticking his ween in whatever is warm and has holes is taaaaaa-rash.

Thank you to all of you who have helped make this contest a success so far, but for those of you who haven’t entered yet, you’ll be delighted to hear that it continues until Wednesday. We’re asking our readers to talk to us about their favorite bedroom toys and how they use them, in an attempt to open up a discussion among women about how to get more out of your sex life, alone or with a partner. We’ve had a lot of great entries but also a lot of concern about anonymity, email trails, etc.

In response, I created a form here when you can enter the contest. All fields are optional, including name and email address. However, if you’d like to be one of our winners — remember that a grand prize winner and 2 runners-up will receive gift certificates to FunLove.com — you have to provide an email address. Most email providers make it easy to set up an alias if you’re not comfortable using your real email address.

Enter our FunLove.com contest here!!!

“There’s been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can’t say about NBC. And– this isn’t a joke– to set the record straight–and this is true– tonight, I’m allowed to say anything I want…

And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, the Late Night show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I’ve worked with NBC for over 20 years.
Yes, we have our differences right now. Yes, we’re going our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enourmously proud of the work we’ve done together and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible. I really do.

A lot of people have been asking me about my state of mind, and to be honest with you, walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Making this choice has been enourmously difficult. This is the best job in  the world. I absolutely love doing it. And I have the best  staff and crew in the history of the medium. And I will fight anybody who says I don’t… but no one would.

But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show. And for 7 months, I got to do it. And, I did it my way, with people I love; I do not regret one second of anything we’ve done.

I encounter people when I walk on the street now who just… give me sort of a sad look. I have had more good fortune than anybody I know. And if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we will find a way to make it fun. We really will.

Finally, I have something to say to our fans.

This massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming for me. The rallies, the signs, all this goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet…The fact that people have travelled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain… to be in our audience…

Here’s what all of you have done: you’ve made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.

So to all the people watching, I can never, ever thank you enough for the kindness you’ve shown to me. I’ll think about it for the rest of my life.

All I ask is one thing– and I’m asking this particularly of the young people who watch: Please do not be cynical. For the record, I hate cynicism. It’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
I’m telling you… Amazing things will happen.”

Don’t go posting those RIP comments on the Youtube video for Bone Thugs’ “Crossroads” just yet: Johnny Depp is not dead.

For the record, neither is Paul McCartney, Paris Hilton, Taylor Lautner, Jeff Goldblum, Tom Hanks, Will Ferrel, John Goodman, Eminem, or (incredibly) Lou Reed.

Depp was the subject of death rumors this weekend that placed him on the receiving end of a fatal car crash. We’ve been down this road before. It’s a familiar one:

A) Someone starts a rumor, intentionally or otherwise, that a famous person has died tragically.

B) The interwebs–never one to be a stickler for facts or proof– spreads said rumor like an HPV infection in the Jersey Shore house

C) Tragically dead celebrity is recipient of bewildering phone calls in which they (or more accurately, their publicist) have the surreal job of proving that they are not, in fact, dead.

This isn’t the first time rumor’s of Depp’s death have been greatly exaggerated. This most recent incarnation reused the “deadly car accident” rumor that was also Depp’s reported cause of death in an earlier, more elaborate hoax that even featured a fake CNN site reporting on his tragic demise.

His publicist was contacted earlier today, and I assure you– Johnny Depp is not dead. Skeet Ulrich is still cursing the heavens, wondering when he’s gonna get his big chance to be the next poster child for dirty greasy sexiness. Awwww… Skeet, Skeet.