I’ve been living in Scottsdale, Arizona for the past month, and word on the street is that one AWOL Tiger Woods has been hiding out in nearby Wickenburg being treated for sex addiction. I’m not entirely sure how one goes about treating sex addiction, and I have a feeling that Tiger doesn’t want his “sex addiction” “treated” so much as he wants his “endorsement money” “back,” so I’m guessing he has a lot of time on his hands. I hope he is spending that time writing thank-you notes, specifically to the estate of Brittany Murphy, to the dude who punched the Jersey Shore chick, and to Charlie Sheen, who apparently pulled a fucking knife on the mother of his children during the Christmas Eve domestic dispute that landed Charlie temporarily in the slammer.

Prosecutors are still deciding whether or not to press charges, but hopefully the court of public opinion will speak loud and clear here. How many more decades are we going to spend watching this dude play an emotionally unavailable but otherwise harmless and endearing family man on television and in movies while in real life he’s physically abusing his girlfriends and spouses? How is this acceptable? I’ve been dating for ten years, and in all that time I’ve barely had a man raise his voice to me, let alone lay a hand on me or threaten me with a weapon. This is not normal behavior. This is not behavior you have to accept in order to be in a relationship with a man. Why do women put up with this? Why does society let it slide? Stop casting Charlie Sheen, Hollywood, and stop watching him, America.

Nobody — the photo agency included — seems to know who this dude is, but the recently divorced Avril Lavigne spent the week looking awfully cozy with him on St. Barth. I have to admit, this guy looks sexy. Douchey, but totally do-able.

I ran into her ex-husband, Deryck Whibley, a couple months ago at a party. I’d never seen him in person before. I always thought he looked kind of odd in photographs, but sometimes people are much more attractive in person than in photographs. Not so of Deryck. He was almost strikingly unattractive. Not just, like, plain-looking, but the kind of unattractive you go home and tell your friends about. If I were Avril, I’d just bang douchey, hot models for the next year or so to clear out my system.

Jess still looked pretty damn good as she ran errands around NYC with mom Tina, eventually heading to see sis Ashlee in Chicago on Broadway, where she’s reprising her role as Roxie Hart.

Second verse, same as the first. When you’re the kind of person who considers violence as an option when it comes to settling domestic conflict, you are always going to be that kind of person.

Charlie Sheen was arrested early Christmas morning on domestic violence charges. His wife, Brooke Mueller — who gave birth to the couple’s twins sons in March — was not named in any of the documents, but she is assumed to be the victim. She did not need to be hospitalized. Authorities originally said Charlie was going to stay in jail until his first court appearance, but he later met with a county judge who let him off on $8500 bail. BULLSHIT.

His rep issued the weakest it’s-Christmas-don’t-fucking-bother-me denial I’ve ever heard: “Do not be mislead by appearance. Appearance and reality can be as different as night and day. It would benefit everyone not to jump to any conclusion.” And the rep’s name is Stan Rosenfield. Come on, dude! You’re Jewish! Can you take ten minutes to issue something that sounds like you actually believe your client didn’t beat up his wife?

This is not, of course, Sheen’s first domestic violence run-in. In December 1996, he was arrested and charged with attacking his girlfriend at the time, and in 1991 he “accidentally” shot Kelly Preston in the arm. Even crazy-pants Denise Richards accused him of being violent with her. God, this must be the happiest holiday ever for her. This is exactly what Denise Richards wanted for Christmas.

Just a quick note on the programming around here — as of now, we’re all on winter break until Monday. I’ll be around here and there and if there’s breaking news, but in general everyone’s been ordered to attempt to enjoy time with their families for a few days, and I’ll be participating bravely in that effort.

Have a happy and safe holiday, and remember to use a designated driver. Don’t make it a happy holiday for the Christina Yangs of the world.

To answer all of you who ask, every now and then, “What happened with that whole Balloon Boy story?” here you have it: Balloon Boy’s dad, Richard Heene, was sentenced to 90 days in jail, including 60 days of work release that will let him pursue work as a construction contractor while doing his time. The judge also imposed conditions on his probation that forbid him from profiting from the balloon spectacle in any way for four years.

The sentencing of his wife, Mayumi, is underway.

I know this guy didn’t commit a violent crime or anything, but when you think of the resources he cost any number of emergency-response agencies — and the people with genuine emergencies who experienced a delay in response resultantly — this seems like a really weak sentence, and it annoys me. I think he should have received more jail time, and I think he should have to serve all of it in an actual jail, with none of this work-release bullshit. And WTF is up with this four-year limitation on his right to profit from these shenanigans? This dude should NEVER be allowed to profit from any of this. Legal eagles, please explain this nonsense to me.