Jessica Simpson arrived at LAX looking a lot happier than usual last night and I thought to myself “This is a woman who has felt the utter misery that was the year 2009 and look at her! Look at her smiling!” Of course I take in to account that she is a celebrity with the best material possessions money can buy and a close knit family, but think about it: she got schooled by Tony Romo publicly, got her dog eaten by some coyotes and continued to regularly get made fun of in the press. I don’t know about you, but any one of those things happening to me would make me crawl in my closet and want to die. DIE. But then look at her, just months after all of that has happened to her, she looks happy. Maybe it’s a fleeting moment but I was when I saw these photos I was all, “Damn, Jessica Simpson. I never thought you’d help me find inner peace. Thanks, girl.”

December 5th is Repeal Day in the United States. What’s Repeal Day you ask? Well, around the turn of the century, some uptight cunts decided that all of America’s problems could be solved by outlawing the consumption of alcohol. Somehow or other they managed to pass the Volstead Act in 1919– a law that plugged up the holes in the 18th amendment and made it illegal to imbibe, prosecutable to get plastered, verboten to be… very, very drunk.

Over the next 13 or so years, upright citizens suffered the dirge of dryness while organized crime ran rampant, fueled by a huge black market demand for alcohol. Finally, on December 5th, 1933, the 21st amendment was ratified, which repealed prohibition and once again made it legal for Americans to enjoy alcoholic beverages. People went nuts and unleashed 13 years’ worth of pent-up partying. Gin and Vodka rained down like dollar bills in a strip club. Beer and wine flowed freely like a stream of expletives from the mouth of a Detroit hooker.

We have a few “drinking holidays” in this country that didn’t start out as such, including St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve. And while many people in this nation use the fifth of May, or Cinco de Mayo– a Mexican holiday– as an excuse to get drunk, most of them don’t know anything about the fifth of December– or Cinco de Drinko — and don’t celebrate it. If there’s any single day of the year that should be celebrated with copious amounts of boozing, it’s the one that made it legal for you to do so.

Could you imagine not being able to enjoy a beer while watching football or relaxing after a hard day of work with a glass of wine? How many random bar friends would you not have made? How many white boys wouldn’t have danced? How many annoying drunk bitches wouldn’t have passed out on the sidewalk in a puddle of their own effluvium? How many of you would never have gotten laid were it not for the momentous historical events that took place on this day 76 years ago?

It’s high time that we Americans pay respect to our country’s heritage and raise a glass on this day, Repeal Day, to celebrate the return of our individual imbibing freedoms. Head out tonight to your favorite local bar, or get together with friends for a drink. For were it not for the 21st amendment that was ratified on this day, you wouldn’t be able to.

Happy New Beer’s Eve!

Victoria Beckham Went to dinner with sons Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz on Friday in Beverly Hills. The oldest boy, Brooklyn, looked wary of photographers and did his best to hide from them while the youngin’s held hands with their mom and proudly strutted their stuff. Romeo looked adorable in two button jacket and plaid fedora. I ask you: is there anything cuter than a little boy in a necktie?

I give her a lot of shit, but the truth is that Victoria would be a really beautiful woman if she’d just gain 10- 15 pounds. I love this dress and the grey shoes she’s chosen to go with it. I just wish the gaunt face and Holocaust arms sticking out of its holes weren’t so disturbing to look at.

Tom and his wife Meredith are alive and unharmed after being involved in a fatal car accident Friday afternoon.

“Tom and Meredith Brokaw, at around 1 PM … were in a three vehicle accident on the Bruckner Expressway. The Brokaws were in the far left lane when they noticed a spool of cable bouncing along the far right lane. Just then, a green SUV in the right lane came up fast and tried to avoid the cable. The driver lost control of her vehicle and slid into the middle lane, forcing a mail truck into the Brokaw lane of traffic.

As the mail truck careened into the Brokaw lane, Tom hit the brakes hard and skidded along the median. When the mail truck catapulted the median the Brokaw vehicle slid into it. Neither Tom nor Meredith were injured but tragically the driver of the SUV was thrown from her vehicle and killed.”

Brokaw and his wife both expressed sadness at the loss of life. My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the woman who was killed. I saw a horrendous car crash a few weekends ago that shook me to the core– two semis, one on fire, and a crumpled gum wrapper that used to be a Cadillac Escalade. People were wandering around the grass median weeping and looking lost. It’s enough to make you never want to drive on the interstate again.

I’m not sure if the woman who was ejected was wearing her seatbelt, but it’s a good bet that she wasn’t. I’m amazed by people that don’t buckle their seatbelts. Would you leave the safety bar up on a roller coaster? No! And a car is worse- they don’t run on a track. You’re just hurtling along at 90 mph in a 4 door bullet with a bunch of other bullets being driven by people checking their voicemails and eating Big Macs and fighting with their kids or their boyfriends.

Buckle up, people! It’s such an easy thing to do that could potentially save your life. You have to be around to tell me how much my writing sucks and correct all my spelling mistakes.

Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of supermodel Christie Brinkley and singer Billy Joel was rushed to St. Vincent’s Medial Center in Manhattan this afternoon after a friend called emergency services. The 23 year old told FDNY medics that she was having trouble breathing after taking 8 pills of an unknown substance.

“..though officials didn’t know what kind she had ingested, an official said; it wasn’t clear whether she had accidentally overdosed or attempted suicide.”

Joel is currently in stable condition.

Alexa is a singer-songwriter in her own right and debuted a new single on the Wendy Williams Show in October.

I can’t deny that Nicolas Cage is one actor I couldn’t have given a crap about until his life actually went in the crapper. I can’t help but feel sympathetic towards him now after the IRS brought the hammer down and repo’d one of his houses, and then his dad died.

Finally, something good has happened to Nicolas Cage. On Friday, he was awarded the the U.N. Correspondents Association’s Global Citizen of the Year award for humanitarian endeavors and was appointed a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime. Don’t let the IRS find out, but Cage has donated over $2 million to establish a fund to help former child soldiers and has also led campaigns to raise awareness about international arms control.

Even if he only did it for the tax write-off, I’m happy that something good has finally happened to him after the shit carnival his life has been for the last year.