A mere two weeks after Mason Dash Disick is born, Kourtney is releasing the photos to Life & Style magazine.

Mom looks great, natch, and the baby is absolutely adorable — looks like he inherited the sweet olive-skinned goodness that his mother and aunts all have.

But I have to ask … Who the fuck is this Scott Disick dude? The only thing I can find about him online is that he’s a (snort, snort, chuff) television personality who also happens to be Kourtney’s baby daddy. Dude’s not even important enough to have a Wiki, for shit’s sake.

When I do see this guy, all I can think about is Fonzie.  Yes, Happy Days-era Fonzie.  The Fonzie that’s all thumbs and teeth and ‘Eyyyy’. And that makes me laugh.  Yet, I’m saddened by my own laughing because this guy’s last name is ‘Disick’, which can be transposed into ‘Dickis’, ‘Dickii’ and ‘Sick Dick’ which is also sad for him. But then I have to laugh again because of that whole Fonzie thing.

Weird.

The bitch is back and she’s brown again.

Previous psychological studies have pegged Brit-Brit batshit whenever she goes back to her traditional brown locks and here we are again: the threshold of barmy, the cusp of doom.

I fully expect a report regarding a check-in and check-out of rehab, a stringy pink wig, stubbled vagina, a thirteen-hour remarriage to Fatterline (I personally prefer “Feed-her-lines”) and more cheesy, spontaneous tattoos by the end of the week.

Team Crazy Britney fo’ eva!

[Ed. Note: So, I'm Sarah and I'm filling in for Molls for the remainder of the day.  I'm not as cute and don't smell as good -- kidding -- but I think I can clumsily take the reins well enough to satisfy your gossip-ogling pleasures.  She'll return bright and early in the morning, but until then, you're just going to have to tolerate me hogging the blogosphere of EB Media.  Enjoy!]

Michael Lohan has come forward with some serious allegations against his ex, Erin Muller.  You know the one;  she’s the lady that plugged him with a shoe last month.  Yeah, that Mike Lohan ex.

Muller has come forward to refute his claims of abuse and to add her own special sauce to the mix. Muller claims that on several occasions, Lohan punched her in the face, slapped her, threw blunt objects at her and … aimed a swift kick to her crotch.

God.  Doesn’t this douchebag know that a kick to the cooter just doesn’t hurt?  What’s this guy trying to prove, anyway?  What, did he think she had balls or something?

This guy’s such a twat.  Really.  He’s the guy that doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Yep, he’s That Guy.  Even better, he’s the guy who doesn’t know the difference between himself and a twat.  I always said this guy’d be kicking himself down the road — I just didn’t expect it to be so damned literal.

A pair of hot new girlfriends, Renee Zellweger and Gloria Cooper, were seen strolling the streets of LA together yesterday while shopping and giggling up a storm just like every other group of girlfriends in this post-Sex and the City world. For those of you who aren’t sure who these broads are, Gloria is the chick that birthed Bradley Cooper and Renee is the whale that’s dating him. It sure looks like these two have gotten awfully close, I can practically hear the two of them cackling through the photos all like “You’re the best, NeeNee!” “No, Glores! You’re the best!” I can only imagine that after this marathon shopping spree, those two ladies headed straight to Gloria’s bedroom to indulge in a round of hot fudge sundaes and even more hot and juicy gossip. You know how girls are when you get them together!

We’ve all heard by now that Charlie Sheen lost it and got all knifey on his wife (Brooke Mueller) over the holiday weekend by now, but we’re still not totally clear on what it was that caused the fight. Today we’ve found out that the brawl was likely over Charlie’s daughter Sam, who we saw on her mother Denise Richard’s reality show, It’s Complicated, and a song that they shared. What? Yeah, I know… it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, either.

From E! Online:

The song apparently has something to do with a Christmas present Sheen bought for Sam. Sheen has told people that Mueller became upset and wanted to know why she and Sheen didn’t have a similar song, the source says.

“Charlie says she is really jealous of his daughters, especially after he and Denise finally started getting along,” the source says.

The source also says that Mueller has become increasingly suspicious of Sheen because of his past substance abuse issues and fondness for call girls.

While relationships should never involve knives unless your both in to that sort of thing, I could see children and their emotional welfare being the sort of subject that could drive someone over the edge. If Brooke is a wedge between Charlie and his kids after all that he’s done to reconcile with their mother, then he’s not the only one being inappropriate. He’s just inappropriate in a much more violent way. Either way, you know there’s some crazy unhealthy stuff going down when there’s a knife fight and the only explanation any one has for it is that they were fighting over a children’s song. Good luck figuring that one out, guys.

Over Christmas, Jon Gosselin had his New York apartment broken in to and completely ransacked. All signs pointed to Hailey Glassman, Jon’s now ex-girlfriend, who supposedly hates Jon now. However, the 22 year old says that she had nothing to do with the incident and her lawyers are backing her up by saying that it’s likely Jon is staging this whole break-in for publicity.

From People.com:

What reportedly clued Gosselin into a possible link with Glassman, who split with the reality-show dad in recent weeks? A note that she’d allegedly written, pinned to his dresser with a butcher knife.

But, says Glassman’s attorney, Anand Ahuja: “Somebody is trying to frame my client.”

And who’s an obvious suspect for that kind of crime? How about anattention-starved Gosselin? “I don’t know anything about any note and I can’t confirm it at this time,” Glassman’s other attorney, Stephanie Ovadia tells PEOPLE. “This appears to be a publicity stunt.”

Glassman did take items from the apartment, on which she split the rent with Gosselin – but everything she took belonged to her, according to her lawyers.

While doing anything for publicity would probably be a smart move for Jon right now (in terms of celebrity, anyway. In terms of being a human he should probably go hang out with his eight kids), I wouldn’t give the guy that much credit. He seems to be about as smooth as your mother’s face when it comes to these sorts of stunts.