We’ve located Carmen Sandiego.

She’s in Paris, France, at the George V hotel. She and her V.I.L.E. team must be planning another caper! The police dossier says former pop star Victoria Beckham was recently spotted in the same area, so it’s possible Carmen’s after her infamous trick stomach. You should talk to the bodyguard, the hotel concierge, and then call back to Headquarters to see if we have any further clues as to her whereabouts. Good luck, gumshoe, and be safe!

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It’s like the Polanski petition all over again with all the celebrities backing Tiger Woods during his “time of need”. You’d think that most people would be afraid to comment on either story publicly (especially if they sympathize with the person whose character is in question), but no! There’s always someone out there hungry enough to provide sound bytes that might make the paper.

Us Weekly put together this list of celebrities who have publicly come to Tiger’s defense:

Donald Trump: “He’s had a very interesting and very traumatic couple of weeks…But I know Tiger and he’s a wonderful guy. Tiger is going to be hotter than ever. Mark my words.”

Kim Kardashian: “Obviously, he made a statement where he said there were issues and he hasn’t been the best man for his family, so obviously something’s going on there…I think it’s proven to be really stressful on them. So you just kind of feel bad for his wife and for him.”

Khloe Kardashian: Lamar [Odom] just said he thinks it’s sad. He was like, “We’re so attacked, and nothing’s going on.” He just feels that people should just stay out of it. They’re obviously going through something a lot more serious than it’s just like to make a headline. People were in the hospital–they need a minute to get themselves together, regardless of what it is.”

NFL player Terrell Owens:  “I do think Tiger has done a great job of trying to apologize and being contrite, and so I think that’s the first and foremost thing you can do is be remorseful about it. I wish him well and hope he and his family rebounds.”

Dennis Rodman: “I know Tiger. He is a very good guy. He has beautiful kids and a beautiful wife and what’s going on right now he just needs to just talk and say, you know, whatever, I’m here man. He didn’t do anything wrong, he became famous at a young age. Once your life is under a microscope everyone wants to look at you and just nitpick everything you do so bad.”

NFL star Reggie Bush: “For those of you who think Tiger ‘won’t be the same’ after this, you guys are crazy! He’s maybe the single greatest athlete of our time!…I’m specifically speaking on Sports not talking about his personal life! This will only drive him to be greater! Golfer’s better watch out!!”

Gilles Marini: “Time heals…Go on vacation far away from all the frenzy. I don’t know what really happened. I’m curious about the golf club, more than anything else. The sexual life and what happened between them is not our problem and there’s a war going on that is more important.”

Diddy: “Ye without sin cast the 1st stone!!!! Put down your rocks sinners!!!!! Tiger keep your head up! God bless your fam Black man!”

Two Kardashians, Donald Trump, Reggie Bush and Dennis Rodman? What’d they do to get these quotes? Go stand in front of some Famous Moron Convention with a microphone? None of his supporters are even remotely surprising.

Extremely popular, much-in-demand man about town, Jon Gosselin was so busy folding his sparkly t-shirts and fighting with his equally emotionally immature girlfriend that he didn’t exactly make it to his court date today. Whoops! He’s real busy, real important. He probably had to run to the corner market and pick up a pack of Newports and then call a bunch of paparazzi to line up photo ops for the week, so it’s understandable. Somehow, the proceedings for the TLC v. Gosselin case will continue on without him.

From Hollyscoop:

Jon Gosselin was scheduled to appear in court today for a hearing in which he’s fighting TLC, the network that aired his show Jon & Kate Plus 8. However, according to the AP, Jon was a no-show today at the Maryland court.

In October, TLC sued Jon for violating his contract for allegedly making paid and unpaid TV appearances without the cable network’s permission.

His attorney Mark Heller responded to the allegations, saying, “Jon will vigorously defend against this baseless action … and we are confident that through the course of litigation it will clearly be evident that Discovery and TLC exploited, manipulated and abused the Gosselins’ vulnerability and financial hardship.”

Despite Jon’s absence today, the hearing is going forward without him. The judge says Gosselin’s lawyers don’t plan to call witnesses. Jon claims he has a right to earn a living as a media personality. He also claims in a countersuit that TLC violated Pennsylvania’s child labor laws in filming his eight children.

On the real, though, I know we say this a lot, but: this dude is a douchebagel. He’s an unemployed loser with eight children to support and he’s skipping a court date in which he is counter suing a network that he says broke child labor laws while they were filming his children. Surely if Jon is aware of the child labor laws, he has been aware of them since they’ve been filming. Everyone knows the basics of child labor laws and I sincerely doubt that any contracts were signed or meetings with lawyers were held without these laws being mentioned. His argument is so paper thin that he most likely didn’t even have it in him to show face.

I give him three months before his sex tape is released so he can cash in on that final ounce of fame before he crawls in to a dark hole and dies.

Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger Woods’ many alleged mistresses, has had a pretty low-key day so far. She woke up, ran some errands, walked her dogs Rudy Giuliani and Ozzy Osbourne, and then got a piggy back ride from a handsome male companion in front of a bunch of paparazzi. Similar to my morning. I don’t know about you guys, but I think that guy’s probably Rachel’s gay BFF and she’s saving face in light of being publicly humiliated and just trying to enjoy her minimal fame and massive “shut the hell up” check from Tiger. Again, similar to my morning.

Miley Cyrus’ tour has taken her to Europe and she’s been doing her press rounds there, especially to promote her performance with the Royal Variety Show. When asked how she felt about performing for the Queen, Miley said, “Yeah. I’m totally excited. I think it’s going to be like, very awesome. It’s something that’s like very… it’s like a very historical event, so I think it’s kind of cool when you look at all the artists who have done it throughout the years. I think it’s really great.”

Who the hell is coaching this girl? This is making me long for the days of Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan (pre-drugs, of course) where they’d just sit there like happy little Disney robots and you’d think to yourself after watching them, “Look at that polite, pretty child. They’ve done a nice job with her.”