The Tiger Woods scandal has gotten pretty out of hand (I know! I know! I am a part of the problem! This is the last mention of Tiger today unless something completely amazing breaks), and lots of people out there are questioning their spouses faith in light of the news that even the most seemingly boring dude in the world was caught having fourteen mistresses. Last night former American Idol contestant Kris Allen told TMZ that his wife Katy has been “all over him” ever since she read up on Tiger.

I barely even trust my own dog, so I can imagine that this story is being brought up a lot between couples out there. TMZ is calling it “Tiger Woods Syndrome” and I think for once, they are pretty accurate. It’s not as if we didn’t know before that people cheated on each other, but now we’re all reminded that even “the nice guy” could be banging chicks from reality shows condomless behind their wife’s back. Kind of scary, right?

“My Kermie is nothing like [Tiger]. I just want to say, he would never do anything untoward moi, but, if he did, you can rest assured there’d be a hole in one, and he’d be the one!”

– Miss Piggy on Wendy Williams this week, explaining how her man is different than Tiger Woods.

“Untoward moi”. You guys are lucky that Miss. Piggy doesn’t make too many public appearances or she’s be covered more than Lady Gaga and the Gosselins combined.

Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen (it feels weird to write their names that way, but Ashley is standing on the left) fell in to familiar habits last night on the red carpet. The two came out to the NYC premiere of the film and walked the carpet together, something they don’t do quite so much anymore. Here’s what I think is interesting about the two of them, though. They always just like, stand really close to each other and smile. They kind of look like two koala bears in a gum tree or something. Why not a smile with teeth or a peace sign or whatever the hell celebrities do these days to seem normal and endearing?

I know I’m supposed to be really really excited about this movie, but I’m not. Sorry. The animation does look kind of cool, but if I wanted to see weird alien-looking people have sex I’d just track down the Kim Kardashian sex tape. The $230M James Cameron blockbuster hasn’t even been released in North America, but it’s leading in Golden Globes nods. Talk about hype!

I’m also unexcited about Leona Lewis’s music video for the theme song, “I See You.” I am unexcited about the cheap-ass special effects they used in her video after spending over $200 million animating this film. And I am least excited about the dress she is wearing, which I hope did not cost anyone more than $5.

Anyway. I know bunches of you want to see it, so here it is. Enjoy!

Here’s a hint: She’s one of a handful of beautiful women in the country who didn’t help Tiger Woods cheat on his wife.

That’s right!

It’s Tiger Woods’ wife!

Elin Nordegren was spotted out in public with her Tiger-spawn, little Sam Woods, but without the wedding ring and engagement band she typically wears. She doesn’t seem to be so into Tiger’s announcement that he’s quitting (and killing!) golf to focus on being a better husband. And I say good for her! I’m not exactly sure where I’d draw the “possibility of forgiveness” line with a cheating husband, but I think I’d put it somewhere before the eleven mistresses line. OK Magazine is acting like she’s train-wreck because onlookers said that “she looks bone-thin.” Ummmm, she’s a swimsuit model, you guys. It’s like her whole entire job to look bone-thin.

Meanwhile, one of Tiger’s mistresses, Cori Rist, had a little sobbing break-down on the Today Show yesterday (around the 7:00 mark in the vid below) as she talked about how she’s not a giant whorebag and she’s not like “all those other girls” and she really, really wants to set a good example for her son. You do that, of course, by going on the Today Show and talking about your affair with a high-profile married man. She says she wants to set the record straight, because people are claiming she’s a prostitute, but really you can do that just fine by issuing what we like to call a “press release.” An alternative is to wander around the talk-show circuit discussing the intimate details of your non-whorebag relationship with a married man. Which, exactly, do you think is better for your young son, Cori?

Yeah, I just make the headlines like that to get all the pedophile traffic in. Oh, pedo traffic, rain down on me. Let’s work together to turn all your disgusting, freakish Google searches into money for me.

Seriously, though, I’m not especially up in arms about this video of 9-year-old Noah Cyrus singing “Smack That” backstage at one of big sis Miley’s concerts while dancing with a level of sexuality echoed by every fucking pre-teen dance troupe in the country. Like, really, I used to live next door to this four-year-old boy who knew all the lyrics to “Californication” and ran around singing and dancing dirty to it all day long and no one was all like “GASP! THAT CHILD IS A WHORE!” We were just like, “Dude, that’s a cute kid. Who is probably gay.”

Kids today know the lyrics to “Smack That,” because, ya know, it was on the radio forevah. And nine-year-old girls have been doing dance moves like that since their 22-year-old dance teachers have been training them to. And by that I mean since the ’80s. It’s not like she’s peeing on R. Kelly. Ease up, peeps.