Is it wrong that I’m a little obsessed with Miley Cyrus? You know what? It’s definitely wrong. You know how I know that? Because I’m a heterosexual, 27-year-old female, and I’m watching this performance and thinking, “Holy shit that girl is hot.” So, I mean, Lord only knows what the men of the world are thinking about this child. I will be way, way more comfortable with everything about Miley Cyrus when she turns 18. Here’s Miley performing “Party in the USA” at some place that isn’t America on Wednesday. She dry-humps the air around 1:07 (thanks Cady for the heads-up!). I don’t think we can be upset about the dry-humping when we can see her damn butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of her shorts. Oh, Miley, can you be an adult already so we can all stop being upset about the enormous sexuality with which you’ve been so successfully marketed?

Do you know who I am not obsessed with? This small child named Justin Bieber who sings the “One Less Lonely Girl” song. They never played it on the radio in Seattle, but I’ve been in Scottsdale the past week and it is all anyone ever plays on the radio. The first time I heard it I was like, “Oh, this is a lesbian singing a song. How lovely. Trite, but lovely.” Then, as it continued, I began to get an inkling that this might be a male singing. Then I asked about it on Twitter and I was informed that it was this Justin Bieber person I’ve been hearing about lately. And a reader on Facebook linked me to a fan page called No Justin Bieber you don’t love that girl, you’re 12, and I think that about sums up my feelings on the subject. I watched the song’s video (above), and all I could think was that if this child approached me on the street and wanted me to hand a piece of paper that said “I will shower you with kisses” to some girl, I would call both their parents immediately.

You know why I think I’m most upset about this? It’s obviously being marketed to really young girls, and the mere implication that a pre-teen girl needs a goddamn boyfriend to keep from being lonely is downright abhorrent. Girls, this concept that you should be dating and in love in middle school to keep from being sad and alone is a LIE THE MEDIA IS SELLING TO YOU. DON’T BUY IT. You don’t need anything to do on Valentine’s Day but your fucking homework. You have the rest of your life to fall in love, so take some time to learn math while someone’s still teaching it to you for free. Oh, and you know what’s not going to help you land a quality man when you are old enough to be dating? Miley-style booty shorts and public dry-humping. That’s a lie, too. Save that shit for the bedroom. You’re welcome for all the free advice.

Aw, well, that was a fun little game while it lasted, wasn’t it?

I am hesitant to even report on this “break-up” because I think we all knew that the whole “Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are dating” thing was a massive ruse dreamed up by some managers or PR people somewhere to give their clients a sense of normalcy in the press. I don’t know if you are all as in to the whole blind item scene as much as I am, but just in case, scroll through the archives of “Toothy Tile” on Blind Items Exposed and catch up for a second. Toothy Tile has been rumored to be Jake forever and pretty much everyone beside Jake has been eliminated by E! gossip gal Ted Casablanca at some point or another (please note how he refers to them as “cute-in-public”.)

Reese was Jake’s temporary beard, if you believe these sorts of things (and I very much do.) He’ll get set up with another KiKi Dunst or Reese just like he’s always been in a couple months and he and his boyfriend can continue to live life privately and at their own pace. However, if you buy the hot pile of crap that Us Weekly is selling this week, you’ll see that Jake’s not dealing so well with the seperation from the woman he’s probably never even seen naked:

After nearly three years together, Reese Witherspoonand Jake Gyllenhaal called it quits in early December. “It broke his heart,” an insider reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly.

A source close to Gyllenhaal, 29, explains that the once-golden couple “fought constantly in the past few months,” and that the relationship concluded over a series of phone calls.

Adds another source, “No one cheated. There was no drama.”

Here’s where I’d normally make a statement about how this probably sucks for them but it sounds like they’re handling it maturely and I hope that this doesn’t take any toll on Reese’s kids, who were supposedly close to Jake. HOWEVER! I don’t believe a word of it! Never have! They’re just two good-looking people linked up by Hollywood to have their photos taken. If you’re attractive, famous and you can stand the person you’re supposed to hang out with, you’d be stupid not to do this unless you’re George Clooney. Then you just fuck whatever walks your way, especially if it’s me that’s walking his way. Wait, what?

Point is: I’m pretty sure Jake, his boyfriend, Reese and the kids are all going to come away from this just fine and having received exactly the right amount of press to make it worth it.

You guys! James Franco is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend! And the musical guest is Muse! I love James Franco! I love Muse! I might actually watch SNL this weekend from start to finish, you guys!

Check out the promos for the show above with James and Kenan. I love the way Franco talks. He’s seems like such a cocky, jerkish bad boy, and who doesn’t love that? It’s like he can barely be bothered to completely open his eyes. Why is that so hot to me and why has he not called me yet to hook up! Hello! Single and easy! Right over here, James.

Oh! And it’s the Christmas show! Let’s hope they pull off something as fun as this (Chris Kattan kills me in this every single time):

[Ed: This recap is part of our on-going project with Oxygen and our beloved Bad Girls Club. You can always check out Saranden and Sierra's episode recaps on the Oxygen website a day before they'll show up here.]

This episode the girls have a house meeting and ultimately decide to let Natalie stay despite the fact that she hit Kendra IN THE FACE last week. Seriously. Natalie takes Kendra to dinner at Fogo de Chao to apologize and to build a relationship while the other ladies go to a club called Kress for bottles of booze and dancing. I think my favorite scenes are the ones showing the girls pulling themselves together the morning after a night of serious boozing. These girls are hardcore, yo!

The next day the ladies hit up a roof party at the Renaissance Suites, where we get to see Kendra and Marcus flirt it up some more, and the girls proceed to leave Flo stranded without a ride, which does not go over well. Flo is seriously mad this episode, but I hope we get our beloved maternal Bad Girl back by the next episode! By the end it is clear that the house is dividing in a big way. One clique is Annie, Kate, and Amber, while Flo, Kendra, and Natalie have formed a group of their own. But where will Portia fit in? No Bad Girl is an island, my friends.

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Garth Brooks made a half a million dollar donation to a hospital in his hometown last year with the understanding that the building would be named for his mother who passed away back in 1999. The building got built, but Garth’s beloved mother wasn’t made the namesake, so now he wants his money back.

From ONTD:

It’s all over a deal Garth claims he made with Integris Canadian Valley Regional hospital in Yukon, Oklahoma about four years ago. In his lawsuit, filed in state court in Oklahoma, Garth claims his donation was supposed to go towards a new hospital building that would be named after his mother Colleen — who died from cancer in 1999.

But the building never got built — despite a $27 million renovation and expansion project last year — and Garth wants his money back claiming the hospital breached the donation contract.

The hospital claims it’s all a giant misunderstanding and hopes the dispute will reach a “swift and amicable end.”

My first inclination is to say “Let it go, Garth. Half a mil is nothing to you and you’re asking for a hospital to give you back your money. Just move on.” But then I thought about how expensive hospitals are and that they are very much a real business. If the paperwork holds up, Garth is right to ask for his money back.

I told you the other day that Frances Bean has legally separated herself from her mother by requesting that the courts change her guardianship over from Courtney to Kurt Cobain’s family members. Today we’ve learned that things have gotten a bit more serious, as a restraining order has been put on Courtney to stay away from her daughter. That means that Courtney can no longer contact Frances, directly or indirectly, which I suppose includes random late night Twitter and Facebook rambles.

In fact, it could have been Courtney’s poor Facebook etiquette that got this restraining order slapped on her in the first place. From ONTD:

Courtney Love has lashed out at daughter Frances Bean Cobain after the 17-year-old girl was placed under temporary guardianship of her paternal grandmother and Kurt Cobain’s sister. (No reason was given for the guardianship.)

“I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this s**t has lost her position…” Love, 45, rants on her Facebook page. “She was deceptive, she lied and she’s lying to herself… My daughter is not always honest.”

Love also says her daughter isn’t as rich as she thinks she is, adding that she is “clearly deluded” if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a “small house in L.A.” Says Love, “I’d love to see how that works … She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has.”

Love insists her daughter “is a wonderful kid,” but she has “bad people around her and wants it both ways.”

She then names several of Kurt Cobain’s family members. She even tells her daughter that her grandmother “killed your father,” Kurt Cobain.

“You could’ve asked for emancipation…” Love tells her daughter. “You realize this will put you in juvenile family circus three times in your little life?”

Before signing off, Love tells her daughter, “I love you and always will unconditionally.”

Ewww. Ranting on Facebook about personal details of having lost your child publicly? Talk about the ultimate Lamebook entry. Sure makes any time my mother ever embarrassed me in front of people seem like small potatoes. Can you imagine the game that’s going on here? Courtney is humilated because she’s lost custody of her child (which obviously speaks to her ability to mother), so she strikes back on a website read by thousands of her fans and calls her daughter a liar.

Courtney doesn’t seem to realize that this whole thing is completely her fault. I know plenty of 17 year olds who lie to their mothers, but I really can’t think of too many mothers who would do this to their child. Thank goodness for Frances that she’s out of there finally.