I must have this woman playing a maternal role in my life. I see her and I immediately want to get some life guidance from her. If she gives me a curfew I will abide by it; if she tells me to finish my homework, I will listen. I’m just like, “Courtney Love, please, tell me how to get some peace and joy in my life. You clearly have so much already. It radiates out from your angry, glazed-over eyes.”

Courtney appeared on the cover of Dazed & Confused magazine, because that’s the next obvious step when you’re losing custody of your only daughter as a result of your insane and endless and life-threatening drug abuse. Yup. That’s exactly how you do it, Courtney. You just keep on keepin’ on, you earth mother, you.

Gwen Stefani and her sons, Kingston and baby Zuma, were bundled up against the cold London weather as they ran errands this weekend. Papa Gavin Rossdale joined them for a little while, and Gwen wore her special Coat of Many Colors for him. Seriously that is one surefire way to make sure you don’t get hit by a car while you’re crossing the street. Even a drunk in a complete blackout is going to be like “HOLY SHIT WHAT IS GWEN STEFANI WEARING?” and swerve the car.

Hailey “All Class” Glassman referees a “celebrity” boxing tournament at the — wait for it — Philadelphia Airport Ramada in Essington, Pennsylvania. My Lord this is an attractive woman. Oh wait no I was thinking of someone else.

(Side note: I have spent a significant amount of time in Essington, Pennsylvania. It is not a place that attracts celebrities. Or, ya know, solid roofing.)

The kicker here is that the photo agency can’t even identify any of the “celebrities” in the boxing match. I think they’re all former Playboy models.

Hailey arrived to perform these very important duties wearing sweatpants and Uggs and an Ed Hardy shirt with a ripped back. God, that’s just not a decision I would have made. And it just took me a second to remember that she is famous for dating Jon Gosselin and not as a cast member of Jersey Shore. But I’d sure as shit pay to watch this bitch fight JWoww in the ring — or, better yet, Kate Gosselin.

Hi guys. I hate that I’m here writing about yet another celebrity dying way before their time as a result of drug abuse. I know, I know, Brittany Murphy died of full cardiac arrest — don’t accuse her of doing drugs, Beet — but I don’t know how you guys think an otherwise healthy 32-year-old woman goes into full cardiac arrest. In my experience, it’s from doing drugs. It’s also been the experience of Heath Ledger, DJ AM, Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith. I know, I know, but Brittany Murphy had diabetes. It turns out, diabetes is a perfectly manageable health condition today. It becomes considerably less manageable when you’re doing lines all day. This young woman died of a drug overdose.

Brittany’s husband, Simon Monjack, requested the hospital not perform an autopsy on Brittany. Some have suggested that this is because she’s Jewish, and Jewish people aren’t really all about the autopsy, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that, to protect his wife, he doesn’t want the complete list of illegal drugs she was abusing tossed around the Internet in six weeks when the results are available. Which they will be, because authorities are performing the autopsy anyway.

My heart breaks for Brittany and her loved ones. I’m sad. I’m disappointed. I’ve heard nothing but kind things about her since I started doing this job several years ago. I’ve heard she was a lovely, funny, beautiful woman, and a uniquely brilliant actress, with a bit of a drug problem — one that seems to have gotten exponentially worse over the past year or so, as drug problems have a tendency to do. I guess I’m saying this because everyone I talk to seems so shocked that Brittany Murphy could have actually died of a drug overdose. It’s all I’ve heard all day: “She was so pretty! She was so cute! I loved her in Clueless! She couldn’t have really died from drugs.”

Yes. That’s how she died.

You guys, drug use results in people dying. It does not discriminate. The disease of drug addiction kills people, even pretty people — even cute, young girls who we all fell in love with when they got hilarious and awkward makeovers in a harmless film that defined a generation. Those girls die of drug abuse, too. I just can’t say it loudly enough — drugs are not something to fuck with. Just don’t even do it. Not even once. Not for any goddamn reason. Because people fucking die and then I have to write these articles about beautiful human beings whose lives were snuffed out by drugsdrugsdrugs. Again.

If you or a loved one has a problem with drug or alcohol abuse, get in touch with your local Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous for free help. Do something about it sooner rather than later. Because I betcha Brittany Murphy didn’t think it was gonna be this time that killed her.

This is the most recent set of pics I could find of Brittany, from an event on December 3.

Image courtesy of ny.eater.com

While I’m already completely convinced that Beyonce is one of the most amazing people to ever walk the Earth, here’s something for any of you out there who still need convincing: After dinner, Beyonce has been known to doodle on her place with condiments. Is that not incredibly endearing? Have I, like so many of you suggest in the comments, not got a clue?

This little reindeer was found on the plate that Bey left behind at the Italian restaurant Marea where she dined with her husband, Jay-Z last night. It’s actually not a bad little drawing, either. I’m pretty sure that Beyonce is the most talented human on the planet.

Rihanna performed in New York City at Rockefeller Center last night, and while her set started out with a cute little stage outfit, homegirl had to get practical and throw on this (hopefully faux) fur jacket to survive. These photos serve as a reminder to me and anyone else who’s about to travel from the west to the east for the holidays that it’s freakin’ freezing over there and proper outerwear is a must. Now how cute is that Rihanna?