“I heard Oprah Winfrey is leaving and there’s nobody who can do what Oprah did but, ahem – hello! Hello! I’m trying to proposition the networks right now. If you’re wanting a nice, black, exciting young male who wants to turn the TV world right up – get at me.”

– Snoop D-O-double jizzle, discussing his plans to fill Oprah’s shoes when she quits next year.

After canceling an interview with the Florida Highway Patrol that was scheduled for today, Woods released a statement on his website, Tigerwoods.com, that didn’t do anything to clear up the sketchy circumstances surrounding his mysterious car crash early Friday morning, but basically told everyone to butt the hell out of his biznass.

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

And he’s absolutely right. There’s nothing unusual about one of Tiger Wood’s drives ending up in some trees. (ba-dum-ching!)

Seriously though, I didn’t know you could just cancel an interview with law enforcement. To  me, those repeated cancellations just reek of “I’m waiting for some kind of substance to clear out of my blood stream’  because he’s already lawyered up.

My personal theory is that there were drugs involved that rendered him unconscious before the crash and actually caused the collision. He was unconscious and mumbling when authorities arrived, but the airbags in his vehicle never deployed- meaning that the collision shouldn’t have been hard enough to knock him out.

Yes, that headline is intended to infuriate you. Amy Winehouse, who was seen holding a roll of wrapping paper the other day, did not limit her Christmas cheer to just some high-end wrapping supplies. Amy spent over six hours and 32,000 bucks at Selfridges department store in London this past week. Why spend all that money on sparkly balls for your tree when you’ve just had some serious sparkly balls implanted in your chest?

I guess that if anyone deserves to enjoy Christmas (beside, ya know, children and poor people), it’s Amy Winehouse. She’s seeming pretty rehabbed these days and slightly more together than she was a year or two ago.

Most of her moolah was spent on lighting of all kinds (even that annoying musical stuff that you usually find at Nana and Grandpa’s house because they are old and senile enough to find that stuff cute.) When the store manager mentioned to Amy that there was a lot of possible danger involved in installing most of her purchases, she threw down the extra cash to have someone come and do all of the work for her. As if a celebrity would have it any other way.

Oddly enough? The one thing Amy forgot to pick up in addition to her mechanical reindeers and dancing snowflakes? A Christmas tree.

Yesterday a very nosy neighbor (that I am sure David Hasselhoff wants to murder today) reported to RadarOnline that the Baywatch hunk of yesteryear was having a seizure in his house:

Hasselhoff’s neighbor Christian (he asked that we not use his last name), told RadarOnline.com that he saw the ambulance arrive at Hasselhoff’s home. “I asked one of the paramedics how David was doing and he told me his eyes were rolling back into his head, he was drooling and that he’d had a seizure.”  Unfortunately, said Christian, “this isn’t the first time this has happened to him.”

According to the story, Hoff is back off the wagon and he’s been taking anti-depressants and medication for epilepsy for some time. The three together? Probably not a great combo. Worst of all? I don’t think the public really knew about these problems and that neighbor and the loose lipped paramedic? Well, they’ve turned this private but not so secret problem in to a headline.

Photo Courtesy of DailyMail.co.uk

Hugh Laurie showed face at The Ivy in London this weekend and what a face he showed. Homeboy had the worst black eye that I’ve seen in a minute and his explanation? Well, there are hometown housewives who can muster up better excuses (that’s not a jab at the abused, it’s just THE TRUTH.) “I walked into a door. No, I mean I got hit by an owl.”

Who taught this man how to lie? Isn’t he an actor? Good thing I’ve never needed him to cover for me when I’ve skipped second period biology. “She’s in the bathroom. I mean, the nurse. I mean, I mean, she moved to Indiana! I mean, she said she had a note?”

The damage is rumored to be caused by his sparring partner back in LA. God, that’s hot. To think of Hugh Laurie sparring, I mean. I’d love a man who spars until he comes home with a broken face.

It’s not uncommon to see the front row of any sporting arena lined with celebrities. Jack Nicholson, Jay-Z and Leonardo DiCaprio are court side legends, practically. It just ain’t a real game if there isn’t a famous face in the sidelines. Agents and managers use those tickets as thank you gifts and bribes for their best clients all the time. What you don’t see all the time? A blind dude in the front row.

Stevie Wonder took his son to the Knicks vs. Lakers game at the Staples Center and this weekend, and while we can all assume he was doing it for the kid, how exactly does one enjoy a court side seat if they are blind? Yes, I feel mean even bringing it up, but c’mon. C’mon!